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Will Question

(21 Posts)
choli Tue 24-Jan-17 17:35:02

I am a childless married woman in my 50s. I have 3 siblings, each with 2 children.

I send them all money every Christmas and when I see them I also give the ones that are still at school/uni generous cash gifts. I live abroad, so only see them once a year or so.

Only one of my nephews/nieces keeps in touch with me by email/facebook. The others do not even bother with a thank you email or message when they receive gifts from me.

Am I being unreasonable to leave the bulk of my assets to just the one who keeps in touch?

All of the nieces and nephews in question are over the age of 10, in fact now 4 of them are over 21.

harderandharder2breathe Tue 24-Jan-17 17:42:35

Yanbu

You can leave your estate to whoever you want. I think fairness to children should be expected, but as you don't have them no issue!

I have dozens of cousins, some are much closer to my grandparents than I am and may well inherit from them where as I don't expect to.

BeansMcCready Tue 24-Jan-17 17:44:54

I think it's very reasonable!

TroysMammy Tue 24-Jan-17 17:45:48

You can leave your assets to who ever you want to. Perhaps you should put a message with your Will the reasons why you have done this. It won't affect you of course but will explain to the other nieces/nephews your reasoning.

I have no children and one niece. She's only 6 and we live locally so we see each other lots and she is a sweet child. Obviously she will get most of my estate but who knows what the future holds. The cat's home may need donations grin

WineIsMyMainVice Tue 24-Jan-17 17:47:18

Your hard earned cash is yours to leave to who you like!

SecondsLeft Tue 24-Jan-17 17:55:53

Up to you, but bear in mind it might cause upset and guilt for the 'one'. Assuming they are a nice, thoughtful person who values you and not a calculating sycophant. Why not leave your assets to some other person or cause who needs them, or give equally, but gift a specific asset or valuable to 'the one'.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Tue 24-Jan-17 18:07:43

I would maybe give something to all of them so that it shows that you were aware of them and then more to the one who kept in touch. Say 1/4 to be split 7 ways and the 3/4 to other one, or whatever seems appropriate. It is I think harder to contest that way. It could just be a nominal amount but you need to consider that if you die with 7.5k due to care home fees etc and you have given 1000 each to the others the remainder is only 500. Do check though any rules where you live. It's your money though to do what you want with. Or just spend it all now grin.

choli Tue 24-Jan-17 18:43:39

Well, of course I would leave each one something, but the bulk to one. Unless I have to spend a fortune on end of life care, it would be a considerable bequest.

One of my siblings has been hinting that now that her two have kids, I am expected to provide for their kids as well. I don't feel obliged to leave money to the kids of a niece and nephew who never even called or emailed to say thanks for the very generous cash gift I sent on the birth of their children. I am not sure if I am just a bitch or not.

ImperialBlether Tue 24-Jan-17 18:51:46

I think you should stop sending money/gifts to any of them that doesn't respond, OP. Honestly, there are plenty of places that would welcome the help.

As for bequests, if you are going to leave it to one of them (which would be a really good idea, in my opinion) I would leave a very small amount to the others, then write a letter to the one you're leaving it to, explaining how much that regular contact meant to you and that the money is for them and them alone, and they shouldn't feel any pressure from anyone else as you want him/her to have and not the others.

However, you're still young! You may well marry someone with children and want to leave something there, so better not to say anything to anyone about your plans for now.

ImperialBlether Tue 24-Jan-17 18:52:26

Of course you're not a bitch!

ImperialBlether Tue 24-Jan-17 18:56:44

So sorry, I thought your OP said 'unmarried.'

Sassypants82 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:01:43

God no you're definitely not a bitch. Poor manners shouldn't be rewarded imo.

EatsShitAndLeaves Tue 24-Jan-17 19:06:03

As a start I'd stop sending gifts to people who didn't have the courtesy to thank me.

As per a will, then I don't think YABU.

It's your estate and it's reasonable to leave it to someone your have not only blood ties, but a close connection with.

My only caveat is that whatever you do explain it in a preface to the will. For example, I have left x amount to all my nephews/nieces with the exception of "Sam", who will inherit the majority of my estate, in recognition of the sustained and caring relationship we shared through reciprocal communication.

The worst arguments are when people feel unjustly left out. However if they have not been in touch then quite frankly - tough.

They are not entitled to your money - especially if they don't acknowledge what you do for them whilst alive.

Tbh it's a good "life lesson" - you get out of a relationship what you put in.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Tue 24-Jan-17 19:14:28

I wasn't saying to leave something because I thought you were a bitch grin. It's just that if you leave nothing to them they might try to argue it was an oversight not to include them and overturn the will. If you leave something but less then it is clearer that this was your intention. Your family do sound somewhat money orientated.

mistermagpie Tue 24-Jan-17 19:15:21

You can leave it to whoever you choose. I have a particular cousin who does a lot for my grandmother, he sees her a lot and takes her shopping and helps her around the house etc (she's 90). I live in another country so keep in touch with her via letters and phone calls but obviously it's not the same. I would fully expect my cousin to inherit more/all of anything she leaves behind, it would only be fair.

choli Tue 24-Jan-17 20:04:35

I don't want to cause family discord. Obviously it won't affect me as I will be dead, but I have seen so many families torn apart over will arguments. But at the same time, I would like to leave my one particular nephew with a bequest that would be life changing, rather than an equal split between all, when from past experience I know that it would be spent on "show" - flash cars, look at me weddings, expensive vacations, then complaining about how they are skint.

Well, I hope this won't be an issue for a few more years at least. I am probably overthinking this.

ImperialBlether Wed 25-Jan-17 11:52:00

In the nicest possible way, OP, stop being a martyr. It's obvious in a family or any group of people there will be some who you prefer and some who treat you better than others. To treat everyone equally when you haven't been treated well by some is madness.

Is everything OK with your health? You seem very young to be worrying about your Will (though obviously it's good that you're getting one written.)

DJBaggySmalls Wed 25-Jan-17 11:53:31

YNBU. You are definitely not a bitch; the sibling that expects to receive your estate sounds very entitled.

yellowfrog Wed 25-Jan-17 12:23:15

Please stop giving money to the ones who don't bother to get in touch! There is absolutely no need to give any of them money anyway, so just give gifts to the one who makes an effort!

You sound lovely by the way, just over-generous to people who don't deserve it!

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 25-Jan-17 12:37:05

One of my siblings has been hinting that now that her two have kids, I am expected to provide for their kids as well

Cheeky mare!

Is it possible your family see you as a bit of a doft touch?

AppalachianWalzing Wed 25-Jan-17 12:37:05

Actually, I don't think it's entirely fair to write off the eleven-year-old just yet.

I was, in retrospect, probably a bit rude and awkward to my aunts and uncles in my teens/early twenties- not on purpose, it was just always a relationship my parents managed. I would now meet up with them individually, but I'm in my thirties- when I was younger I was always happy to see them, but it was usually at family events. I think I was mid- to late-twenties when I sort of reformulated the relationship as one between adults, rather than the one we'd had when I was a child.

With that in mind, when you say they're all over 10- I think it's a bit unfair to assume that eleven year old, when they're grown, wouldn't want a connection. But obviously you know them best.

Once they're adults, and settled- yes, I think favouring one who you are closest to in a bequest makes sense, but you might want to consider communicating to your siblings in advance that they should not form expectations around your estate. I think it's the shock that causes a lot of the falling out around wills as much as the decisions.

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