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To think sole bread winner should pay housekeeping, plus the age of leaving children alone

(68 Posts)
SingingInTheRainstorm Tue 24-Jan-17 15:35:06

I was reading on another thread about a DW asking her DH for housekeeping. This is something that has cropped up in conversation a few times, with myself and DH, the answer has just been no.

SAHD are more prevalent now, but as soon as they start working it seems they think the freedom of equality equals, if we want money we should go and earn it. Even if that means working full time and relying on childcare for DC's depending on their age. Which pretty much negates the point of working once paid.

A lot of women get paid less than their DP/DW, also in the cases where the women were the sole breadwinners, I'm sure money was handed over, so DH's wallet wasn't empty.

AIBU to think that should a woman/man not work, or work part time hours in order to look after DC, then the person who earns more should offer a token gesture if possible of 'X' housekeeping, as the main care giver has a huge job in parenting. There's nothing wrong in expecting housekeeping if you're male or female? It's not against feminist principles, because if DH earns 4/5 times as much as you do, it's common sense they'd be willing to give some money as a thank you for looking after your DC.

Long gone are the days from the 70's, 89's and even 90's where DC's can come home from school say aged 10+, staying at home unsupervised. What age in the current climate would you leave DC alone? Bearing in mind if you have 2 or more, it's likely WW3 will have erupted by the time you get home, as that's siblings.

Geraldthegiraffe Tue 24-Jan-17 15:37:11

Don't people just have access to the main bank accounts? Ours is shared so "housekeeping" would feel out of date for us, and a bit belittling to be given it. The money is shared.

No idea about age. Wondered that myself as I consider returning to work. Do secondary schools let kids hang around after?

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 24-Jan-17 15:39:16

Housekeeping isn't a wage for the sahp. Its the money needed for food, cleaning equipment, daily expenses, so that the sahp doesn't have to ask for individual items or repeatedlyask for money. A regular amount allows the sahp to budget and if there is spare money, there's a chance to enjoy some spending for pleasure. It isn't pocket money. An allowance is different - that's your personal spending money and would be paid by the earning parent to the non-earner, too.

BeeMyBaby Tue 24-Jan-17 15:40:09

We have a joint account and each get equal amounts each month to spend on what we want.

MycatsaPirate Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:07

yabu to refer to it as a 'thank you for looking after the dc'.

Two people making the choice to have children together should be equally committed to their needs. Physical, emotional and financial. If that means one person brings in more money while the other gives more in terms of time then so be it but it should never be done expecting thanks and it shouldn't be done as a hold over the other adult.

To me a relationship should be equal. So there should be no having to beg for money and no expectation of exuberant thanks for passing over £50 to buy some food shopping.

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:09

Even where both partners have access to main bank accounts, surely it isn't 'spend what you like'? I don't know how people work things these days.

Secondary schools (some? all?) have after-school clubs. But they charge, it's childcare.

BarbaraofSeville Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:14

Money should be shared so that joint family costs are covered the the leftover split so each partner has equal personal spending money.

What has changed in the last 20 years that it's no longer appropriate for a 10+ YO to spend an hour or so alone at home after school before a parent gets home?

MycatsaPirate Tue 24-Jan-17 15:42:21

Oh and I missed the age alone bit. 10 is fine is the child is mature enough to be left alone for an hour.

My DD is 11 and is quite capable of coming home, letting herself in and keeping herself occupied safely for an hour or two if required.

corythatwas Tue 24-Jan-17 15:42:41

I'd be very uncomfortable getting money as a "thank you" from dh. We are married, a couple, we share expenses and treats with each other.

As for leaving children alone, most families with WOHPs start doing that when the children start secondary, as there is very little childcare provision for this age group.

Don't see why WW3 is any more likely to be started by this generation of children than by any previous generation. I would not be impressed if mine could not behave in a civilised manner or alternatively take themselves off to their own rooms.

BarbaraofSeville Tue 24-Jan-17 15:42:59

...covered and then the leftover split...

JennyOnAPlate Tue 24-Jan-17 15:43:57

All money should be pooled together and shared equally in a marriage (especially when there are children).

LunaLoveg00d Tue 24-Jan-17 15:46:00

If DH had ever offered to pay me "housekeeping" money I think I'd have punched him.

We're a couple, a partnership. We have joint accounts. We don't have mine and his, we have ours. He earns more than I do (a lot more) but would never dream of paying me "housekeeping" like pocket money for the children. How 1950s.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Tue 24-Jan-17 15:49:44

I'm a sahm. We have a joint account into which DH's wage gets paid, and everything comes out of it, via bills accounts and credit card bills.
I've never thought of asking for money as if I want something I'll get it, as does DH. Any large purchases we tend to run past each other but we both see it as Our money, not 'his money which he lets me have'.

NickyEds Tue 24-Jan-17 15:50:41

I wouldn't be terribly impressed if dp offered to give me some housekeeping as a think you for looking after our children! I don't need a token amount anyway, I can just go to the bank and get whatever I want out myself.

Theelephant we both know how much money there is to go around and both feel free to use it as we see fit.

ExplodedCloud Tue 24-Jan-17 15:55:56

You mean pin money not house keeping.
And quite honestly where one parent's income is vastly different to another's I'd expect them to figure it out as a unit in a way that suits them.

PatriciaHolm Tue 24-Jan-17 15:59:52

"Bearing in mind if you have 2 or more, it's likely WW3 will have erupted by the time you get home, as that's siblings."

Why? My 10 and 12 year olds are perfectly capable of co-existing in the same house for a couple of hours alone.

And no-one in this house gives anyone else housekeeping! One account, its all family money. Money as "a thank you for looking after the children"? I'm not the nanny!

irregularegular Tue 24-Jan-17 16:01:29

I'm not entirely sure what you are talking about. I think that regardless of how much each partner earns, then all money should be planned jointly and arranged in a way that makes both equally well off and equally able to control spending decisions. That might mean a single joint account, or a more complex system for budgeting purposes, whatever suits. It certainly shouldn't mean the high earning partner being kind enough to give the other partner a little money as a thank you!!!!

SingingInTheRainstorm Tue 24-Jan-17 16:06:44

OK not a thank you for looking after the children, but a lot of you seem to have a better handle on things where everything is joint, so you don't have to ask for money to grab some extra bits.
Here it's each to our own, I tend to buy the children their treats, even treats for DH. Shopping is literally done to a meal plan, so if for example bread, milk, extras are required, pretty much have to ask for them and even justify why any extras are needed.
Like if as a treat we were having fajita's, then it'd be nice to have sour cream and guacamole. The stuff that's long life really isn't the same as fresh out of a shop.

golfbuggy Tue 24-Jan-17 16:07:04

My 10+ DCs come home from school alone and let themselves in and stay unsupervised for an hour or so. Don't think it's particularly unusual even in "the current climate".

Willow2016 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:08:19

Housekeeping money was as pp said money to run the household with - pay the bills (back in the day when you paid bills at source with actual money!) paying for weekly shopping, clothing etc. It wasnt a 'wage' for the little woman at home for looking after her own kids.

These days there is no need as both parents can get money out the bank, use a debit card, pay online etc its a bit patronising to be handed a sum of money for being a mum! Plus there is nothing to stop the working parent (or full time as opposed to part time working parent) paying stuff online in evening or weekends either, helping with a big shop, taking the kids for clothes etc.

If you mean pin money then basicaly the previous paragraph fits this too.
IMHO all money should go into a family account and the couple should decide betweem them about any regular savings, spending money etc The money should be used for the family, nobody should be gettiing extra just cos they earn more or 'given' money as they dont earn any/enough. Parenting is a joint venture, nobody is 'more equal' than the other.

harderandharder2breathe Tue 24-Jan-17 16:10:55

Housekeeping isn't a wage it's money for household expenses

In a family it shouldn't his money and her money, it should be family money. Even if both have their own accounts they should have equal amounts of "free spending" money.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 24-Jan-17 16:11:07

Are you saying that your partner is financially abusive?

Fishcakey Tue 24-Jan-17 16:13:10

OH earns twice my salary but it all goes in one pot and then we get the same amount each to spend on ourselves.
DD is 11 (year 7) and got his front door key this year. I would still get a babysitter at night but he stays on his own in the day very happily.

NickyEds Tue 24-Jan-17 16:13:35

Joint money has always been fundamental to our relationship. So if you run out of bread and milk you have to explain what happened and ask for £4 (or whatever)? I would consider that financial abuse.

QueenofallIsee Tue 24-Jan-17 16:13:43

Are you saying that your high earning husband restricts your access to money, so much so that you can't deviate from a shopping list? That is nothing to do with whether people should be given pocket money and is about you being in an abusive relaionship I'm afraid.

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