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Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

(421 Posts)
Willialwaysbelookeddownon Tue 24-Jan-17 15:25:00

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

Stormwhale Tue 24-Jan-17 15:28:12

As long as they seemed like a nice person and were treating their child nicely then i will talk to anyone, regardless of age. I have never judged a mother by age, but I do judge mothers who are unkind to their children, no matter what age they are.

SparkleShinyGlitter Tue 24-Jan-17 15:29:36

I wouldn't judge someone based on age.

I'd only Judge a mother that was unkind to her dc

tinytemper66 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:29:42

No I have been in your shoes as a young teen mum and would never judge.

IfartInYourGeneralDirection Tue 24-Jan-17 15:30:38

I was 16 when I had my first.

donajimena Tue 24-Jan-17 15:31:15

No I don't. There were a few at toddler group and I always enjoyed a chat with them.

longdiling Tue 24-Jan-17 15:32:03

Absolutely not. My sister was a teen mum and was/is a bloody awesome mother. However, I have noticed at the school gate and in playgroup mum's tend to stick to their age groups. Not in an unpleasant way but I think if I, as a 40 year old, tried to worm my what into the group of early 20 year old mums at my school they may think me odd. We're all friendly with each other but I guess people drift towards those they have things in common with and assume that someone 20 years older/younger may not be able to offer that.

Wtfdoipick Tue 24-Jan-17 15:32:23

I wouldn't judge but nor would I make an attempt to make friends with someone so much different in age to myself.

Areyoufree Tue 24-Jan-17 15:33:40

No. And you have my sympathy. I have known several friends who had children very young (18), and who were excellent mothers. I was speechless at the way I saw them treated. I witnessed them ignored, pushed out of the way, doors left to swing shut in their toddlers faces - it was unbelievable. Plus, if you have a baby young, people assume it was an 'accident', and think, for some reason, it is acceptable to ask you as much. Absolutely awful.

bobbinpop Tue 24-Jan-17 15:34:05

I admire them as it's a tough job at any age; must be so much harder as a young teenager. I'd make an effort to speak to any younger mums at a playgroup.

carabos Tue 24-Jan-17 15:34:21

I'm the DD of a teen mum. Said teen mum went on to become a highly qualified teacher and deputy head, nationally recognised in her field and a parliamentary candidate. So no, I don't judge young mums wink.

BigSandyBalls2015 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:34:59

I would def not judge, after all it could have been any one of us when we were teens.

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 24-Jan-17 15:35:41

No, I might feel sympathy for them as I can imagine it being hard for them as chances are their friends are going to be in a totally different place. I'd mainly feel admiration as any young mum I've seen seems to be much more focused than I was at that age. I didn't talk to the one at my mother and baby group - but that was because there was a few of them and I was the one feeling left out.

splendide Tue 24-Jan-17 15:36:13

Hmmm, I guess it depends what you mean by judge. I wouldn't think they were a bad person but I might feel a bit sorry for them. It's so hard having a baby (or I certainly found it so) and it must be harder in some ways when you're so young.

I hope very much I wouldn't shut anyone out of a conversation but I can't imagine really being friends with a 16 year old to be honest.

MycatsaPirate Tue 24-Jan-17 15:36:35

God no. I judge on things like a child being poorly dressed for the freezing cold weather yes idiot father with the 1 year old in thin pjs and no socks or coat in sub zero temperatures not the age of the mum.

Age does not determine the ability to be a good parent. Plus they probably have a ton more energy than me.

Joyy Tue 24-Jan-17 15:38:31

I wouldn't judge but I know people do. I had a baby at 18 (15yrs ago😮). I was treated awfully although times may have changed, including at mother and baby groups. My friends desserted me. I hear people complaining about not getting a seat on a bus, try that for an entire pregnancy. Don't get me started on the birth I was literally treated like I was in detention.

Everything happens for a reason and if the mw hadn't have been so awful I wouldn't have gone in to nursing and been the compassionate nurse that I am now. All these experiences will make u stronger.

NettleCake Tue 24-Jan-17 15:38:52

I don't judge them but I don't want to socialise, there's too much of an age gap. I'd be friendly and for polite but wouldn't invite her to join us for coffee afterwards. I'm mid-30s and so are most of my friends. I think it's natural to socialise with others at a similar life stage.

TheProblemOfSusan Tue 24-Jan-17 15:39:24

I wonder, because I'm terminally nosey, but I don't ask and wouldn't judge. My own nan was a teen mum, albeit in a very different age, and I think there's pluses and minuses to it. She always says she liked having her own life back by her late 30s.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries Tue 24-Jan-17 15:39:38

No. I used to, then I got pregnant unexpectedly at 19, and realised how much I struggled with tutting and glaring (I looked 15/16), and had a huge sympathy overhaul. Young mums, especially younger teen mums, have massive admiration from me.

Sunshine1509 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:39:48

No I tend to want to take them under my wing a bit.
I was 23/29 when I had my dcs and even now I feel I still get judged because I do look young (still have to take ID to buy alcohol)
It's a shame as being a teen mum can probably be quite isolating at times and I'm sure a few could do with mum friends

overthemountains Tue 24-Jan-17 15:40:27

I wouldn't. And like Areyoufree I've seen some disgusting behaviour towards young mothers. The earliest I can remember was when I was 16 and I used to walk with a friend who took her infant son to nursery before school, and every single day it was a gauntlet of dirty looks and comments. And it wasn't me being self-conscious either- the hostility (from complete bloody strangers!) was palpable. Can't imagine how isolating it must have been. It shocked me.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Tue 24-Jan-17 15:40:28

No, I wouldn't. There's a mum at my younger DCs nursery who is 15 and I said hi to her one day (I'm in my 30s) in the lane outside and she said "oh why did you speak to me? Nobody else does?" and it really upset me. I told her that I smile and say hi to everyone, we're all just parents after all. She's finished her exams and moved away now, but that stuck with me. Her wee boy was well loved, looked after and clearly she was managing to juggle exams and motherhood. She lived in a mum and baby unit because she had no support other than SS. I told her she was a better mum than I would have managed at any age in her situation and she should be proud of herself.

splendide Tue 24-Jan-17 15:40:32

I can well believe you were treated badly at the birth Joyy. I felt pretty talked down to as a woman in her thirties.

WannaBe Tue 24-Jan-17 15:40:36

No I wouldn't judge. But I imagine that given most women now have babies in their late twenties/early thirties they might find it harder to identify with someone so young and as such may not seek out their conversation iyswim.

But I will say honestly that having a baby at sixteen isn't something I would want for my own child.

Losgunna Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:11

No I wouldn't judge. I wasn't a teen but definitely felt 'too young' when I had ds at 23 (which I'm aware isn't even really that young but I was still a student very much living the student lifestyle)
If anything I'd be more to speak to her at baby groups because I would assume she probably feels as isolated, lonely and scared as I did.

I have judged a few older mums who were very unpleasant to their dcs. Nothing abusive, but I got the impression they were perhaps expecting too much of very young children (and often didn't put them first, one boasting about how she refused to give up her old lifestyle of fake tan and blown out hair so she let her ds cry in his cot for an hour every morning while she put on a full face of makeup and blow dried her hair, and would then spend the day trying not to let her son touch her in case it smudged)

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