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WIBU to be furious about the way my DH spoke to me?

(112 Posts)
TheLuckyMrsPine Tue 24-Jan-17 14:02:23

So I work part time. I have my own account and my very small wages go in to it. I pay for the family car, fuel, insurance, my pension, kids pocket money, kids phones, kids clothes, dog insurance and food etc etc.

My DH has a very big important job hmm but my job is important to me.

Eldest DD 12 has high temperature. I have my annual appraisal this morning which needs to be submitted to meet targets. Line manager not in after today so last chance to do it. My dad kindly offered to sit with my DD (who was asleep) so that I could do my appraisal and then would come home and have to make up time.

My DH got really annoyed and said one of us should stay with her and as his "job was important and earns the main wage" and that "it didn't matter" if my HR record was affected as my job is "not important!" I was furious by this as I feel like, although my DD is poorly, she is 12, asleep, there is someone here with her, and she is not throwing up or crying in pain.

Although my job is annoyingly low paid it is very technical and there is no one that can pick it up. I only work 2 days a week, and do not get paid for time off with children.

He then said he could work from home and but that it wouldn't go down well at work.

I was really upset by his wording and the way in which he spoke to me.
He made me feel exceptionally guilty about considering going in for 3 hours. He doesn't understand why I am being so "dramatic" or upset about what he said.

AIBU to be disappointed and angry at him?

PollytheDolly Tue 24-Jan-17 14:05:24


What is it with these men? Just replied to another similar thread.

No you're not being unreasonable. At all.

gandalf456 Tue 24-Jan-17 14:06:15

I don't see what his problem is at all. You could have asked him as, by rights, he should have staped, being a co parent.

I would read sexism as his rationale and that you should be at home at all times with your apron on, a martyr to the whole family

NorksAreMessy Tue 24-Jan-17 14:06:56

Your DHS, for example, is a knob.
You know that, we know that, the question is, what are you going to do about it?

CripsSandwiches Tue 24-Jan-17 14:07:33

YANBU. Ridiculous. I'm sure your 12 year old DD is fine sleeping with her granddad there. He was incredibly rude to be dismissive of your job.For what it's worth I also only work a little part time and most of our income is my DH's. While his job is essential for the family while mine isn't so if push came to shove it would take precedence he's still very supportive of my work as he knows it's important for me personally.

Touchmybum Tue 24-Jan-17 14:08:30

I don't care his is Prime Minister, he should be sharing childcare responsibility with you as equally as possible. Considering he only ever has a maximum of 2 days a week to cover, it shouldn't kill him!

(ps - I also think his "big important job" ought to cover a lot of the costs yours is; I mean seeing as yours isn't important, why should you cover essentials ??!)

Touchmybum Tue 24-Jan-17 14:08:46


SheldonsSpot Tue 24-Jan-17 14:09:01

So now you know you're married to a twat, what are your plans?

WannaBe Tue 24-Jan-17 14:09:45

Well, I know people who would leave the twelve year old home alone while they went to work.

So he's an arse.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 24-Jan-17 14:10:28

You sound like you're paying for quite a lot. Does it all work out proportionally?

He obv has no respect for your job.

PimplyPup Tue 24-Jan-17 14:10:33

Of course you aren't, he behaved like a total pillock. But this situation (Me Big Important Wage-earner, You Little Woman with a Little Jobette) hasn't presumably come about over night. You need to have a serious conversation with the pillock about how you are co-parents who both work, and that it doesn't matter whether his job is running the universe, there will be times when you are just busy with something important and he will need to step up and parent his children.

My husband outearns me because he left academia for industry, but he does every bit as much parenting/housework/cooking as I do.

I'd suggest telling him you're going FT and ask him how he's planning to deal with childcare and picking up his share of extra chores.

PickAChew Tue 24-Jan-17 14:15:30

He really found an opportunity to have a dig at you, there, didn't he? He seems to completely lack respect for the fact that you go out to work at all, never mind as not the main wage earner.

And, so long as your DD doesn't hate her grandad's guts, she'd have been perfectly fine sleeping off her illness with him there. She's 12 years old, not a 12 month old with separation anxiety.

But no, your DH took an opportunity to put you in your place.

I hope you aced that appraisal flowers

TheLuckyMrsPine Tue 24-Jan-17 14:17:23

Ok great I didn't think I was being "dramatic" or over reacting. Of course DD is absolutely fine now!

I only went back to work 14 months ago, before that was SAHP for 10.5 years.

He does very little housework, no cooking, no shopping. We have discussed that but he is adamant that is normal as I am at home more and that he pulls his weight. I'm not too bothered about the money, he doesn't spend much on himself to be fair and we go on days out, holidays, he puts lots in joint savings etc. His account is joint with me, I have just always kept my own as he goes through statements moaning about the cost of everything.

I'm not really sure what I can do about it TBH!

KurriKurri Tue 24-Jan-17 14:22:55

For someone with a terribly unimportant job, you seem to be paying quite a lot of the outgoings.

Your Dh sounds like and arse - sorry- but I used to be married to one of those. My work was so unimportant that he told the divorce lawyers I had never worked or contributed to the household income - he had edited it out of history - of course he looked a total tit once I produced all my wage slips for years. Like you most of my income went on bills and his went on whatever he fancied (gambling as it turned out)

Sorry - went off the point but I'd be fuming too - it is an indication of the very low value he places on you and your activities and your contribution to the family.

Ask yourself if you love him or if you even like him. (I think you need both to make things work)

midlifehope Tue 24-Jan-17 14:23:54

Yes he's being a knob. But does he feel pressure of paying the mortgage etc.? This could be at the heart of the message. I am the main breadwinner and have probably said similar to dp shock

corythatwas Tue 24-Jan-17 14:25:30

Given that you had arranged alternative childcare so as not to inconvenience him, it's not even that he resents your job impacting on his "very important" job. He resents it being accorded any importance at all. This is a man who needs to look at himself.

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 14:26:47

He sounds like a horrible entitled prick. I would really care what's at the heart of the message. My message to him would be to step up or fuck off.

thetemptationofchocolate Tue 24-Jan-17 14:27:36

He sounds like a bit of a misery from what you've written - is he, usually? Or can he be pleasant and respectful? If he is like this normally I'd be questioning the future of the relationship tbh. Life's too short for all that shit IMO.

TheLuckyMrsPine Tue 24-Jan-17 14:28:35

midlife I don't think so - we aren't rolling around in money but are comfortable enough for me to not have to work. Just to be clear he does pay majority of the household bills and food shop - I do dog food as he complains about the luxurious brand I choose for her blush

harderandharder2breathe Tue 24-Jan-17 14:29:37


You made sure your DD was looked after by a trusted adult.

He wouldn't stay home with her. You couldn't because you had a commitment at work so arranged for someone to sit with the sleeping 12 year old. No problem! He's only making it a problem because he's a twat

TheLuckyMrsPine Tue 24-Jan-17 14:32:15

Cory that is what really bothered me - I had arranged alternative childcare for 3 hours with my dad, who my DD adores and is totally comfortable with.

I wasn't asking/expecting DH to make any changes to his day at all.

The inference to me is that I'm a bad mother for leaving a poorly 12 yr old or that my job is seen as simply irrelevant therefore showing how little he respects me.

But he makes me feel like I am being unreasonable when I say that what he said was unacceptable. I would and have in the past stayed at home if she had needed me.

corythatwas Tue 24-Jan-17 14:35:46

The inference to me is that I'm a bad mother for leaving a poorly 12 yr old or that my job is seen as simply irrelevant therefore showing how little he respects me.

I think I would like to know which one it is:

does he think that women only have magical powers and a specially assigned role or is he anxious to make it clear that you must not be equally important in the eyes of the world

Both of course equally shitty. Just different types of shit.

welovepancakes Tue 24-Jan-17 14:36:14

YANBU. I'd be very upset and angry to have someone be so dismissive of my role, however part time / low paid it might be in comparison to theirs

diddl Tue 24-Jan-17 14:37:06

Unless your daughter would have been in danger or he thought that your dad wasn't suitable childcare (in which case he should have stayed at home himself), really why did he give well, any fucks at all about the arrangements that you had made that were entirely adequate?

expatinscotland Tue 24-Jan-17 14:37:10

Wow, so you're paying out for all this stuff AND doing all the housework and cooking? He landed on his feet with you, the knobber.

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