Advanced search

Saddened by what I saw

(89 Posts)
InvisibleAt53 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:24:06

OK, I shouldn't have done it but I looked at DHs phone. I did it because I felt he was keeping me at a distance and I was looking for an explanation - not cool, I know.

So, his DD hates me. I was never the OW and she's a fully grown adult just pouting that daddy gives someone else attention.

When I thought everything was okay with her, she asked to loan some money. DH didn't have it so I gave it to her. It's not much, a few hundred quid. She never returned it so after 2 years, I emailed her to ask could she return it, knowing by then how much she detested me. I was really embarrassed and nervous about asking for it but I lost my job a few months ago and really needed it.

Back to DHs phone. Message from her to him:

"Tell that thing you live with to get off her fat lazy arse and get a job. She's just sponging off you. You're putting a roof over their head and feeding them ......"

Message from him to her:

"We've had words about it. Try not to let yourself get angry. I offered her the money myself but she wouldn't take it".

I feel betrayed on two counts. Firstly his response to her very offensive comment and secondly because I put a roof over our head and fed us for 5 years before I lost my job and after that I've had to cajole, persuade, and basically beg him to get out to work as I can't do it anymore.

Feel really hurt and humiliated and don't know whether I'll be able to keep a lid on it or cause one almighty row when he gets in from work.

user1484317265 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:26:42

I'd ditch the pair of them.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 24-Jan-17 13:26:45

That's a massive betrayal.

I'd LTB tbh. He's showing no respect towards you.

TheNaze73 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:27:48

It's a tough one. However, where children are concerned, you will never be his number 1 priority.

Yeah, not nice however, neither is touching things that aren't yours.

xStefx Tue 24-Jan-17 13:27:55

Fucking hell, I would tell your DH to grow a fucking pair and not let someone (daughter or not) talk about you like that. I couldn't keep a lid on that id go fucking metal (sorry not helping your situation) but appalled for you.

DontTouchTheMoustache Tue 24-Jan-17 13:31:44

So he wasn't working at all before? What a hypocrit. I'd leave them both to it tbh, they sound vile.

restofthetimes Tue 24-Jan-17 13:33:19

I'd just take the money from her dad, tbh.

WonderMike Tue 24-Jan-17 13:34:59

I'd just take the money from her dad, tbh as part of a divorce settlement, yes. What a pair of arses.

Libbylove2015 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:35:11

Sorry but I don't think he has done anything wrong. I very much doubt he agrees with his daughter that you are a 'thing' with a fat arse - but if he has experienced years of being caught in the middle of his daughter (a blood relative) and his wife (who he loves) he isn't going to pick her apart every time she is derogative about you. In simply replying and trying to calm her down (plus defending your honour by pointing out that you have refused money he offered you) he is just peacekeeping.

Perhaps in the past he has defended you but if it continues to fall on deaf ears you can't blame the guy for wanting a quiet life! I read his message as the bare minimum he could send without opening a can of worms.

Its easy to say 'I'd ditch the pair of them' but this is a marriage in real life, where people disagree and families fight. I recon a bit of patience and understanding is what is needed - he is between a rock and a hard place, there is nothing in your post to suggest he agrees with his horrible daughter and you don't know all of the facts or all of the messages that have gone before.

Branleuse Tue 24-Jan-17 13:36:07

I would message her myself, and then ditch them both

SoleBizzz Tue 24-Jan-17 13:36:11

Disloyal arsehole. LTB

abigamarone Tue 24-Jan-17 13:36:19

Shit of the pair of them, but you've lost any moral high-ground by sneaking around his phone.

InvisibleAt53 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:38:20

I'm doing everything I can to find a job but it's not easy living where we live and I'll need a decent salary to commute to the closest city.

I feel humiliated enough having to ask him for housekeeping which he only started paying me when I lost my job.

user1484317265 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:38:53

Shit of the pair of them, but you've lost any moral high-ground by sneaking around his phone

Often said but clearly bullshit. No-one actually believes that, do they?

JustSpeakSense Tue 24-Jan-17 13:40:08

He sounds scared of her, as if he's pacifying her.

When you confront him about this don't do it in an angry way. (Fighting like her in other words)

Show your sadness & your hurt, explain how devastated you were to see your loan to her was unappreciated and your financial support all this years overlooked. Explain how sad you are that he doesn't feel the need to defend you, that he has betrayed you.

Ask him how he plans to sort it out.

Btw did she give you your money back?

mistermagpie Tue 24-Jan-17 13:44:16

Have you posted about this before? When he offered to give her the money to pay you back? Sorry if not, but it was a very similar situation.

He sounds like an arse, and like he's very much not on your team. She also sounds like a spoiled madam. I'd walk away from both of them.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 24-Jan-17 13:44:22

Well he's quite the prick isn't he?

I wouldn't stay with someone who spoke about me like that.

ooooopppsss Tue 24-Jan-17 13:44:28

That sucks, even adults can be whiny guys huh! Are you aware if she is the same way with her mother?

Surely if he hadn't worked all those years she would have known? She said 'them' is she talking about your children from previous relationship? She worried about her inheritance?!

If it was me, I would evaluate the relationship and if you can get passed it, speak with husband to let him know you have seen the msg and don't deserve this betrayal from him or her and won't stand for it in the future. You want the money back and if she wishes to take part in your lives she has to put her big girl knockers on.

reallyanotherone Tue 24-Jan-17 13:45:14

It's a tough one. However, where children are concerned, you will never be his number 1 priority.

I think this is bollocks. In our house my kids are equal "priority" with me and their dad. No one persons needs trumps the others. This extends to my stepdc too. If anyone wants something, the impact on everyone else, biological, step, parents, is considered.

If dh started ignoring my needs, or my dc, because his dc from his first marriage was "number 1 priority", we'd be over. She fits into our life as a member of the family, not as some special snowflake who's every whim should be indulged.

O/p, i agree, dump him. He should not be allowing her to talk about you that way.

Nothanksdear Tue 24-Jan-17 13:46:25

Ewww both vile. Ltb

InvisibleAt53 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:46:37

Put it this way, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was one of my DC who had spoken about him like that, I'd have shut them down right away.

Peace-keeper or not, he could have told her that the comments were inappropriate. Also, what's he been telling her for her to come out with it in the first place.

CookieLady Tue 24-Jan-17 13:48:05

Have you posted this before? If not, my apologies. Get rid of him. You don't deserve to be treated in such a horrid manner.

FlyingElbows Tue 24-Jan-17 13:49:14

Have you posted about this before? It's very familiar.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 24-Jan-17 13:49:42

I would go NC with the cunt, really. her I mean, she is not a child and I would just decide - no more. From today onwards she does not exist, she is not someone in your life and that's that. The less meotional energy you expend the better

as for him? you need a talk. and tonight ask him for that money .

personally I would not mention the text, but I would casually mention that money and get it from him

then you need to do some thinking OP flowers

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 24-Jan-17 13:50:46

shock what she has said is truly disgusting. How entitled and nasty. Perhaps if he confronts her, he is afraid she will disown him. TBH I would take the money from your dh. It sounds as though you've looked after him long enough. If he struggled to get motivated to find a job, it may be anything for an easy life where he's concerned, would that be correct?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: