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...to think if abortion was illegal I may be dead

(181 Posts)
Woman1980 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:02:54

I've name changed as I still feel a lot of shame on this issue. Just listened to the discussion of abortion on Woman's Hour.

I was with my exH from the age of 14, got pregnant at 15 and (very much against my will) was coerced into an abortion by my parents. I had a Very much wanted DC at 17. When DC was 14 months I found I was pregnant again; exH & I had planned a sibling for DC. Some weeks later exH changed his mind; I went to the scan on my own, baby was 13.5 weeks and I went home to tell exH that I was going ahead with pg it was too late for a surgical abortion. Eventually he convinced me that he would leave me and I would ruin dc's life and I rang family planning clinic at 16 weeks distraught to arrange termination. I went alone and was left alone until the baby was out. I desperately wanted to see the baby and know the sex, but kept silent to keep up the pretence. I completely blocked it for a few years, but as dc got older I walked my missing child to school with dc everyday too ifykwim.
Both times it was clear (I'm pretty sure) that it was not my choice. However, I still totally support the right to abortion and think that perhaps I may have been forced into an unsafe abortion if the law was different. I just feel that the "pro life" movement is nothing of the sort and I cannot begin to understand it.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?

CatsRidingRollercoasters Tue 24-Jan-17 14:23:37

Didn't want to read and run. flowers for you and YANBU.

The pro life movement is a disgrace. Taking away access to legal, safe abortions isn't going to prevent desperate women from having abortions. Instead they will be forced to seek unsafe, unregulated, dangerous back street abortions. Even if they recover physically, the psychological trauma could be devastating.

Soubriquet Tue 24-Jan-17 14:31:16

Sorry that this happened OP

I hate pro-lifers with a passion

Banging about foetal rights with no consideration to the mother (as obviously she got pregnant by herself didn't she hmm) and when the baby is born, they don't care if it's raised in extreme poverty or abuse as long as it's born and they win.

They then have the audacity to rage if that child is killed because the mother or father snaps which wouldn't have happened if she had aborted like she wanted to

M0stlyHet Tue 24-Jan-17 14:33:10

flowers OP.

You are absolutely right. The World Health Organisation figures are pretty unequivocal - criminalising abortion does not reduce abortion rates, it just increases maternal mortality rates. The thing that does reduce abortion rates is quick and easy legal abortion coupled to easily accessible, preferrably free or cost-price contraception, and decent sex education (which is why countries in western Europe have pretty much the lowest abortion rates worldwide, despite abortion being legal in most of them).

Treaclex Tue 24-Jan-17 14:34:50

flowers I have nothing to add as I feel the same as you.

CripsSandwiches Tue 24-Jan-17 14:38:41

Can't stand pro lifers. I'm pro the life and bodily autonomy of people that are here right now. flowers

stabbybitch Tue 24-Jan-17 14:38:43

Completely agree with you flowers

justdontevenfuckingstart Tue 24-Jan-17 14:40:48

Pro-life would have ruined my daughters life, her career and her relationship. How is that pro-life? Not similar to you op I am afraid, hope you're ok. But I don't agree with the pro-life movement at all.

ageingrunner Tue 24-Jan-17 14:40:56

So sorry you went through those terrible experiences op.
Pro-life is just another name for anti-woman. They hate us and want to control us. That's all there is to it.

KittyandTeal Tue 24-Jan-17 14:41:56

If abortion was illegal I would have been forced to either wait for my dd2 to be stillborn or give birth to her and watch her die in a pretty horrific way.

Pro-lifers used to annoy me, now they give me the rage.

DJBaggySmalls Tue 24-Jan-17 14:42:11

I'm with you on this one Woman1980 flowers
Decades ago, pro lifers pushed the manager of the Sheffield clinic down the steps and she miscarried.
They are not pro anything. They dont care about children once they are born.

glenthebattleostrich Tue 24-Jan-17 14:50:37

They are not pro life, they don't care about maternal life. They are pro forced birth. They are misogynists who have given themselves a self righteous sounding me.

BenadrylCucumberpatch Tue 24-Jan-17 14:58:34

"I'm Pro-Life" is just a sugar-coated way of telling people you're in fact Anti-choice.
Anyone who doesn't believe in body autonomy really isn't worth listening to.

flowers OP.

SquatBetty Tue 24-Jan-17 14:58:53

Yes pro forced birth is exactly what they are - I hate them too.

SparkleShinyGlitter Tue 24-Jan-17 14:59:44

flowers

It's not something I have any experience of but Its absolutely something that shouldn't be illegal. I'm sure no women takes the decision to end a pregnancy lightly

We have an abortion clinic here in the local town and "pro lifers" often stand on the street opposite praying and have very graphic photos of what the pregnancy would look like and they offer leaflets and such like. I feel for the women going in to the clinic as it must be a tough time without that on your way in

VioletHornswaggle Tue 24-Jan-17 15:04:14

Woman1980 flowers. I am sad sad for you and wish I could go back in time and support you, especially that second time.since having DD I do not think I could have an abortion, but I am vehemently pro-choice. Pro-'life leads to endangered life, misery, lack of autonomy and misappropriation of a woman's body, mind and reproductive organs by others.

It clearly states, at every turn, that a woman is a sub-set of the human species, incapable of taking the choice. I think there is nothing wrong with women (and partners) going through an unwanted pregnancy being counselled so as to fully understand the implications of a decision to abort/adopt out/keep a baby, but there should not be the ability for others to make a decision for a woman of own sound mind.

I would like to see a good and invective free debate about abortion limits as I believe that in 'normal' circumstances access to abortion should be made as straightforward as possible to avoid women getting to later 2nd trimester before having an abortion although I recognise the many variables behind how this can happen. I also wish the UK was unequivocal about keeping one, easy to access, straightforward, safe and uncostly service for all rather than pandering to religious zealots and misogynists in devolved areas.

krustykittens Tue 24-Jan-17 15:10:09

flowers

I am so sorry for you, OP, that you had to go through with this. I am also pro-choice. Society is never going to phase out every circumstance where a woman would want an abortion and back street abortions can often lead to the mother dying as well as the child. I do wish pro-lifers would spend more time campaigning for funding for better sex education, or lobbying to change the financial circumstances that lead many women down the abortion route. Equal pay would be a good start. Instead, they choose to demonise unhappily pregnant women.

mrsknackered Tue 24-Jan-17 15:13:55

I kept a baby at 16 very much against my family's will, and abortion is probably not something I will ever do myself however I cannot stand pro-lifers.
I have never met a pro-lifer who is fully there, they all seem pretty fucking simple and sheltered tbh.
I'm sorry you felt like you had no choice. Those babies you didn't get to know are always with you. X

Pinkheart5915 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:15:26

I have no experience and it's something I think I could ever do but there absolutely should be a choice and it of course should always remain legal to do so.

womens bodies aren't just wrappers that babies arrive in and nobody should be forced in to keeping a baby/giving birth etc when they don't want to or can't for whatever reason.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 24-Jan-17 15:19:22

I hate that the terms are pro-life and pro-choice. I'm 'pro-life'. Pro-women, pro-children. I don't believe a zygote is a 'life'. But the woman who carries it is. Her other children that she can't afford to feed are.

You want an end to most abortions? Good early sex education, access to safe, well-researched birth control, women having autonomy over their bodies and economic growth. It's not rocket science. But even that is beyond Trump and Pence. Fucking arseholes.

MummyToThree479 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:21:13

I don't think I could ever do it but I do agree with women having the choice, I want my dd's to grow up in a world where they have a choice!

Fucking annoys me pro lifers, they don't give shit about the mother or what she might be dealing with/ scared off etc. They really think a women shouldn't have control over her own body. No body, nobody should ever be foreced to continue with a pregnancy and give birth if they don't wish. People don't have abortions for fun, I can't Imagine many people make the decision on a whim.

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 24-Jan-17 15:23:19

So sorry you had to go through that with such little empathy and support. I'm firmly prochoice and find forced birthers to be morally abhorrent. (Refuse to call them prolife as they have no problems increasing maternal deaths). Am glad your H became your exH.

MrsGB2015 Tue 24-Jan-17 15:30:01

I'm sorry OP, you have been through a lot. flowers

I think people can't be defined as either pro life or pro choice. I'm a bit of both.

I don't believe in abortions after 12 weeks (seeing my fully formed baby at my 12 week scan changed that for me). I also think with so many people wanted to adopt babies it is a shame to terminate.

But I understand the impact on the mum must be so much more to carry the baby to term and adopt. I think that every situation is different so in some circumstances abortion is needed. It's just very difficult drawing the line.

Unfortunately this thread might turn into a bun fight (I hope not) because some of the language is already quite aggressive.

DMnamechanger Tue 24-Jan-17 15:30:44

YANBU OP.

Every child should be a wanted child. Every child has the right to be loved and valued and so very, very wanted.

It would be nice if we said, oh, then there should be no abortion allowed and all unwanted babies should be given up for adoption.

Sadly life doesn't work like that. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

Making abortion illegal doesn't stop it; it simply puts women (many of whom are already mothers, FWIW) at risk.

DMnamechanger Tue 24-Jan-17 15:31:58

MrsGB it looks a bit like I'm rebutting the points you made without being polite enough to address you personally, sorry about that. It was just coincidence. smile

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