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To feel like this isn't right

(33 Posts)
Mousedl1 Tue 24-Jan-17 10:35:11

So back story MIL died last year and didn't have a will so money is being split between 3 siblings. First part is being released next week and the rest on completion of house being sold so a few months yet.
We are looking to buy a house next year and use a lot of it as a deposit so I have been looking at best savings account, help to buy ISA's etc. Just spoke to DH about opening the help to buy one as it's limited per month so the sooner it's opened the more we get back for our house move and initial down payment is £2500 (he is getting 25k) next week.
To be told he has already agreed to give it to other siblings as one wants to buy a house and put in an offer before having the money and other wants a fresh start so wants 6 months rent upfront. It's not that he has lent it as I get that it's that I am literally told that's happening. I feel like this isn't a marriage and neither of them would lend him that sort of money without actually having a conversation with their other half. Instead I get told it's happening he has already arranged it and despite us losing out on money for the purchase of our house 'it doesn't matter' and I should get over it as it's done.
Really feel like this isn't a partnership and I am so often left out of the loop I have had enough

Mousedl1 Tue 24-Jan-17 10:36:08

Sorry pressed too soon- am I being massively unreasonable as we will get it back in 3 months in full when house is sorted or am I right to be annoyed more at the principal of it then anything else

FeelingSmurfy Tue 24-Jan-17 10:38:22

As long as you get it back before you need it, I think his mum would have been happy that they were getting along with each other after her death

I would let it go, I am sure they are all grieving and he just didn't think because in his head he would have it when he needed it and it's what his mum would have wanted

redexpat Tue 24-Jan-17 10:53:49

Does he have form for this?

You will miss out on a bit of interest, but I think Smurfy has nailed this one. Absolutely understand why youre PO though. It's a big financial decision and you should have been consulted.

You should get something in writing that it is a loan and will be repaid. Just in case.

lelapaletute Tue 24-Jan-17 11:02:14

Inheritance is a big basket of snakes. Do Not Open. Families are torn apart over what's 'fair' and who should get what. If your DH has decided how to best negotiate with his siblings what to do with their mother's estate, I'd stay well out of it if I were you (especially if you and your kids won't actually lose out substantially). Never expect anything from a death, it's utterly toxic imo. Any gift of any size should be received with thanks. Although in a case where there is no will, I Might also be thinking in terms of which sibling(s) played the greater role in visiting/helping the dead person in her final years, as this is not always equally shared between children for various personal/practical reasons. If your DH's siblings have been more involved in, e.g. arranging your MIL's care, he might think it only fair they get first bite of the cherry.

Tldr- not worth making a stink over in my view. When your own parents' inheritance is at stake, you should feel free to take the same approach and do what you think is right abs necessary to preserve harmony.

Mousedl1 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:21:05

None of them took any part of her care or anything as none of them got on with her as she was truely a horrible person. None of three visited her or spent time with her and it's more a care of who she hurt he most!
It's not the fact he is lending it more than I am never involved in decisions just told what's happening after everyone else

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Jan-17 11:36:27

Is this only thing he has done.
Sounds like there is a back story here.
Is he having paperwork drawn up to ensure he gets the money back?
If not then get that in place sharpish.
If you don't feel like an equal partner in the relationship could you talk to your DH about this?
Would he agree to counselling?

pithivier Tue 24-Jan-17 11:44:48

I have just inherited a house and given the money away, without consulting my DH. I told him of it after it was done, not because it was a secret but because I thought of it as my money.

I wonder now if I should have asked him first. Maybe, like me, your DH did not think of it as joint money. Your post has really made me think about my own actions.

Bluntness100 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:51:05

I think as you're not buying till next year and it's only three months till you get it, I'm unsure of the issue to be honest.

myfavouritecolourispurple Tue 24-Jan-17 11:57:19

I have just inherited a house and given the money away, without consulting my DH. I told him of it after it was done, not because it was a secret but because I thought of it as my money

I also thought of the money I inherited from my father as my money. I did give away a small proportion of it without consulting DH, as I bought my mum a new(er) car - but otherwise we discussed what we were going to do with it - well it didn't take much discussion as we were both clear paying off the mortgage was the priority and most of the rest would go into savings for ds to go to uni. I think I would have been a bit shocked if DH inherited a house and gave the money away without talking to me about it first - but maybe you are in a very good financial situation and really didn't need the money?

As for the OP - yes I can see why you are cross - but it is his money and it is up to him if he lends it, as long as he can be really sure he will get it back.

LagunaBubbles Tue 24-Jan-17 12:03:51

I have just inherited a house and given the money away, without consulting my DH. I told him of it after it was done, not because it was a secret but because I thought of it as my money

For me it wouldnt be a question of whose money was whose type thing, I just cant imagine not discussing it with my DH first, we are married and marriage to me means a financial partnership of some kind to but everyone is different. So OP I can totally understand why you are upset.

Andrewofgg Tue 24-Jan-17 12:17:03

If the estate is being handled by a bank or a solicitor who will accept and abide by instructions to level it out when the second tranche is paid there is nothing tong with this. Or if they are all administrators of the estate. Otherwise it would trouble me, but I can see why he would regard it as between him and his siblings.

As a PP said inheritance is a nightmare. The resentment between siblings who did and those who did not help during the lifetime of the deceased is so common when they get equal shares.

littlepeas Tue 24-Jan-17 12:17:05

Yanbu OP. I will eventually inheirit a quarter of my gran's estate and half of my mum's - both will be 6 figure sums if they don't need care (though I tend to think of this as reasonably likely and we plan as if I'll never inherit anything), my dh will inheirit very little by comparison. I wouldn't make any decisions without discussing with dh - he certainly involves me in all financial decisions regarding his fairly sizeable salary and bonus (I don't work), I don't see how an inheiritance is any different.

greeeen Tue 24-Jan-17 12:21:50

Does he often exclude you from important decisions that will affect both of you?
Have you told him that you are not happy to be excluded?
It doesn't really matter if other people would or would not be happy with being excluded, it's your marriage and you would like to be included in decisions so, IMO your DH should have at least had a conversation with you first even if the outcome would have been the same.
If he does often exclude you as he prefers to keep things separate, you will both have to work out a compromise as neither is right or wrong. Just two very different approaches.

GushingGirl Tue 24-Jan-17 12:28:34

It's the lack of respect and consideration and consultation that is pissing you off. And rightly so.

In a Partnership you don't get told what is happening. You are consulted and agree with what is happening.

Gottagetmoving Tue 24-Jan-17 12:32:04

Your DH probably felt their need is greater than yours at this time and is happy to wait until all the money is released.
Yes, he should have discussed it with you because you are partners. It is not 'his' money - You are married.
However, I think what he is doing is lovely and to be fair, if his mother had not died recently you would not have been able to buy the ISA yet anyway.
I think it is best to sit back a little and allow a spouse to deal with their bereavement and the dealings of money left with their siblings. Offer support not opposition.

DeathStare Tue 24-Jan-17 12:32:08

So you definitely get it back in three months which is before you need it?

It's his inheritance and what he has done doesn't affect your future plans so no I don't think he needed to discuss it with you first.

It sounds very sensible to be honest.

Mousedl1 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:53:32

I think another thing is a got a sizeable pay out from an incident that actually happened before I ever got with him but due to policy etc it took the hospital years to pay out so was worth him (not married) when I got it. I discussed every penny with him, bought him a new car that he wanted and stuff he needed and made sure he had no debts as I paid them off. There isn't the same consideration and he has no interest in doing the same, I think he is self and I am a spare part who he wants when it suits

TheNaze73 Tue 24-Jan-17 14:53:42

I think YABU. His DM dies, so the money is left to him, not both of you & he's helping out a sibling in need? Don't see the problem

hopelesslycynical Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:13

Sorry, but YABU. The money was left to him, not you. It's not your money. TBH, it sounds like you've got a bit carried away with thoughts of having the money. In any case, he will be getting the full amount in 3 months and as you were going to buy a house next year anyway, the delay in getting the money isn't going to delay buying the house.

redexpat Wed 25-Jan-17 09:27:10

Just seen your update. It's not about the inheritance is it. It's you seeing him as a partner, and considering his needs and opinions, but him not doing the same. I think you need to ask him why he does this, what he thinks it says about your relationship and how he thinks it makes you feel.

CripsSandwiches Wed 25-Jan-17 09:31:28

YANBU. It's a big decision and while you might well have agreed he should have consulted you. If I was making a big financial decision I would always consult my DH because we're partners. Most of the time I'd be very surprised if he objected but it's a basic matter of respect to consult him so he knows what's going on and has a chance to stop it if he really wanted to.

RaeofSun Wed 25-Jan-17 09:33:13

It's only a delay of 3 months and will make such a difference to his siblings. Perhaps he felt compelled when asked or that he'd look unreasonable if he said no since you're not planning to use it immediately?

Gatehouse77 Wed 25-Jan-17 09:36:07

It would piss me right off to have been excluded from a discussion about it and, I can only speak for my relationship, it would be highlighting something was amiss in our relationship.
I have received some inheritance in the time we've been together and the first person I discussed what to do with it was DH. Our relationship wouldn't make sense to me if it wasn't him...

welovepancakes Wed 25-Jan-17 09:39:47

Re the inheritance, it appears that DH will still receive his share, but later than he might have done, so no real harm done, although I think you should have been consulted as a courtesy, even if he knew what he wanted to do

But this seems to be a bigger issue than the inheritance only

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