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To think DH is being fucking selfish

(37 Posts)
MadJeffBarn Tue 24-Jan-17 05:36:13

So we've transitioned the boy into a big boy bed as the little houdini figured out how to escape his cot. He shares a room with his sister, and the last few nights I've felt like I'm in a Benny Hill sketch, as when one gets up the other follows and I'm finding myself chasing them both all across the top floor. Ds obviously thinks this is a fabulous game. His sister doesn't help the situation by encouraging it. Yes all very fun at 3am. So I've been chucking the eldest into our bed, next to sleeping hubby. Sleeping hubby no longer sleeping decides to come down and bother me, not before kicking eldest out of bed, sending her back to her room and starting the whole procedure again (after I finally got youngest to sleep angry). He doesnt like sharing a bed with her. He doesn't like sleeping on the sofa. So basically, we all have to suffer. Eldest has school, I have work (just slipping in he's a stay at home dad, but never gets up in the night whether I have work or not) so basically as long as he gets a good night's sleep he couldn't give a shit about the rest of us.

To top it off our boiler is broken. It keeps flooding (despite the gas engineer coming out yesterday denying it, by this point dried up although you can clearly see damp in the carpet) and he's come downstairs, had a go at me for not putting sufficient towel barriers down, for having not rang our landlord again, mocked me before going back to bed.

Pigsbum Tue 24-Jan-17 05:41:48

Yes, he is being very fucking selfish!

candyhearts Tue 24-Jan-17 05:43:05

Oh gosh what a moron. angry

Evilrhooo Tue 24-Jan-17 05:45:34

Oh dear, is there anywhere or anyway you can go off and get a kip at a friend or relatives house after work? He is being mean!

SingingInTheRainstorm Tue 24-Jan-17 05:48:07

All the SAHD I know do parenting as if SAHM, so they're up in the night with DC, they do the morning routine, share bedtime routine as obviously the working parent wants to be involved.
I would explain to him that as a SAHD you cannot afford to be up all night, it impacts your performance at work as you're so sleep deprived. Suggest to him that he deals with DC after a set time.
If necessary you can sleep on the sofa, he can chase around after the children, I'm sure he'll do all he can to nip it in the bud.
There's Dads of large families who stay at home, some even share their adventures online by blog or Vlog. As stated, it's the parent who does the majority of the sole care, that does the post 10PM routine. You could say Friday's & Saturday's you are happy to give him a break, by taking over.
You need to stand your ground as much as you can. I bet you're absolutely shattered. If you don't sort it now, you'll reach breaking point, it'll be more of an explosion over civilised conversation.

electrasy Tue 24-Jan-17 06:10:00

Yes he's being fucking selfish. We have a deal that's evolved over the years of sleepless nights that I do all of the night wake ups (cos I'm a lighter sleeper and find it easier to drop back off) but then he takes the hit when the youngest is up for the day at 5am. And on the days I don't work I sometimes do that too. Then he lets me have long lies at the weekend as he knows even before kids I slept much more than him. Basically we try to help each other as much as possible . Don't get me wrong we sometimes still have grumpy fall-outs but it mostly works.

MadJeffBarn Tue 24-Jan-17 06:16:34

For the most part our routine works; I've always gotten up in the night, he let's me sleep in the morning (if I don't have to be up for work). what bothers me is his attitude towards the eldest, insisting she needs to stay in her bed. But she needs her sleep arguably more than the rest of us, she's only 5 and so in school full time. If I try and hand the kids over earlier than 6am I get an earful. I don't mind getting up in the night, as I'm a light sleeper, and have been getting up since breastfeeding, but he could help by not being selfish about it angry

electrasy Tue 24-Jan-17 06:22:13

Hmm, in some ways he does have a point about teaching her to stay in her own bed as by the sound of it there isn't room in your bed and you don't have a spare bed so someone ends up on sofa which you don't want to become normal. However if he is the one who wants to make a stand on this then you need to plan a strategy for how to handle her in the night and he needs to be taking the lead on dealing with her when you have work in the morning.

Do you have a spare/inflatable mattress that he could sleep on beside her bed for a few nights until she gets used to it and the novelty wears off?

electrasy Tue 24-Jan-17 06:22:55

Don't know why I said her, I mean your DS!

MadJeffBarn Tue 24-Jan-17 06:31:27

It's just until my son settles down and the novelty wears off that he can get out of bed. She's being woken by her brother xx

MadJeffBarn Tue 24-Jan-17 06:32:01

And I don't mind sleeping on the sofa either, it's not ideal but we all need to get sleep somehow x

Euphemia Tue 24-Jan-17 06:34:16

I agree he's being selfish.

But I also agree that you need a plan for getting the kids to stay in bed. Chasing them about at 3am, plus musical beds, is not sustainable for anyone.

If you were the SAHP, you'd be blazing if DH was chasing the kids about the place at 3am à la Benny Hill.

electrasy Tue 24-Jan-17 06:38:49

We found bribery helpful. We got a wall chart in WH Smith called "better bedtimes" one of the lines is for staying in bed all night. Stickers or wipeable marker pen each morning then a prize after a full week's success.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 24-Jan-17 06:38:54

Stair gate on the room door and strict back to bed policy EVERY TIME he gets up. If sister is encouraging it then there needs to be consequences.

This carry on needs nipping in the bud now,it's ridiculous.

Chloe84 Tue 24-Jan-17 06:49:41

OP, you're being too nice. You should mind.

If he wants DD to sleep in her own bed, then he should help put her there.

Letting you sleep in 2 mornigs a week in not a fair exchange for you getting up in the night 7 nights a week, especially as you have to go to work 5 (?) of those days. It should be the other way around. You should get up in the night on your days off and he gets up on the days you go to work.

And why are those things (towels, calling LL) all your responsibility.

honeylulu Tue 24-Jan-17 06:52:42

Yes he is incredibly selfish. My blood is boiling. Why is it down to you to sort out the boiler when he's the one at home?
When I was on ML I did all night duties. Husband took over ML at 5 months and then he did all night duties. Anything less would have seemed unfair - he agreed.
If I were you id just tell him you aren't getting up on the nights before you have to work. Let him sort the children out. If he gives you "an earful", give him one right back! How he can justify his selfishness is astonishing

Zippidydoodah Tue 24-Jan-17 07:07:30

Oh my goodness, selfish snd a prize twat he certainly is.

I agree, though, that the carry on at 3am needs to stop. Perhaps you could sleep on an air bed between the two children for a bit until ds learns to stay in his bed?

Longdistance Tue 24-Jan-17 07:12:59

Well, if he wants your dc to stay in bed, he needs to get off his lazy arse, out of bed and sort it himself.

Secondly, if one is at school all day, he has it pretty easy the rest of the day.

Don't tell me you take dd to school too?

temporarilyjerry Tue 24-Jan-17 07:14:02

I think your DD is old enough to stay in her own bed and not encourage her brother to play these night time games. Are there consequences for her if she gets up in the night and rewards if she stays in her own bed all night?

GunnyHighway Tue 24-Jan-17 07:31:50

Agree, if he's a SAHD then he should be doing the night shift. That includes putting the children in the appropriate beds (if he doesn't want to co sleep)

Mintychoc1 Tue 24-Jan-17 07:38:44

OP YANBU, he's going useless.
But, the double standards on MN never cease to amaze me. People are saying he should do the night shifts because he's the SAHP and you go out to work. When SAHMs post about similar situations, everyone says "how dare he expect sleep just because he's working, does he think you sit around all day, looking after a toddler is a job not a rest" etc etc

harderandharder2breathe Tue 24-Jan-17 07:40:53

He's really selfish!

If he doesn't want DD in the bed with him, he needs to do the sorting so she and DS stay in their own beds. Not leave it to you and then get cross about how you solve it.

sharing night wakings is fine as he is working looking after the children. But you doing all of them and having to get up and go to work is ridiculous.

MadJeffBarn Tue 24-Jan-17 07:44:40

minty i actively try to avoid the double standards 😂 although I do sometimes feel abit put out that I'm not treated like 'the man of the house', as I rarely come home to a nice dinner, the kids being seen but not heard, and all the other 1950s housewife stuff (I am joking of course, I like doing my fair share) I only work 3 days a week, but they're 12 hour shifts. I'm on my 3rd long day and 3rd night of little to no sleep, aswell as having two relatives in hospital, I feel like a zombie right now

Catlady1976 Tue 24-Jan-17 07:46:04

I am a Sah parent and agree night shift should routinely be done by Sah parent. I think the only exception is in time of greater need such as poorly child and newborn. So he is being extremely selfish. My dh won't get up in the night either but he does woh. It does make me feel a unsupported though when times are really tough.
So not on op. If he won't sort it he can't moan.

Catlady1976 Tue 24-Jan-17 07:50:13

I find on those threads most say that the little prince needs he sleep because he has work the next day. Plus most Sah do all regular night wakings without any fuss. The only time I think it's wrong is when you have 2 children up and mess to clear up. As a one of the woh parent should get up even for just half an hour to help.

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