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Paying for the stepchildren

(219 Posts)
StepMum2Be Mon 23-Jan-17 16:53:47

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

operaha Mon 23-Jan-17 16:57:25

No, me and oh both have children and we pay for our own. I have 3 but two are older so usually i only bring one child for dinner. He has two who are younger. We might split it but in your situation i think it's very unfair to expect you to pay half!!!

monkeywithacowface Mon 23-Jan-17 16:57:27

Doesn't sound like a compatible match. I would walk away, sounds like a lifetime of arguments and resentment ahead.

Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong your views are poles apart and I don't see it resolving itself anytime soon.

Wtfdoipick Mon 23-Jan-17 16:58:15

I would end the relationship. How can you be in a relationship with someone you have no respect for as a father?

Tryingtostayyoung Mon 23-Jan-17 16:58:47

I feel as if this isn't going to go down well. The thing is if your marrying him then your taking these kids on aswell and when they are with you your meant to think of them, love them and care for them as you would your own. I don't know if it's right or wrong that you pay half but I feel like if your feeling like this already then there's a bigger issue

SaorAlbaGuBrath Mon 23-Jan-17 16:58:59

If you don't agree on something as huge as his role/your role in his kids lives, and clearly don't get on with his kids (no blame, just an observation) I'd cut my losses at that point.

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon Mon 23-Jan-17 16:59:06

You don't like the children and you appear to not like your DPs parenting skills.

Philoslothy Mon 23-Jan-17 17:02:34

This isn't a relationship that is going to work. Walk away

Katy07 Mon 23-Jan-17 17:02:48

He should pay their share of meals (etc.) when they're with you. They're not your responsibility (at this stage). And I'd be concerned about getting involved from what you've said...

Bufferingkisses Mon 23-Jan-17 17:03:03

It sounds like a match made in hell - or at least soon will be. You fundamentally disagree on the two most important people in his life. People who will share your home and whom you are expected to pay for (wrongly imo - bills, mortgage etc is one thing, this is different).

Please carefully considered the future here.

Bambamrubblesmum Mon 23-Jan-17 17:06:56

It isn't going to end well. I would walk away and find someone you respect.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 23-Jan-17 17:08:25

"My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. "
Walk away now, while you still have your sanity.

Ouriana Mon 23-Jan-17 17:08:57

The logical answer I want to give is his children, he pays.

But I get the feeling there are much bigger issues here, do you actually like these children? Spend time with them? Do they have a home and bedrooms and that when theyre with you?

Being a stepmum is always hard but 13 is a fucking horrendous difficult age. If you dont love the children and are able to accept some responsibility, it may be easier to walk

Creampastry Mon 23-Jan-17 17:10:39

I bet he will want you to pay towards their university fees.... walk away!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 23-Jan-17 17:10:45

you are not ready for step motherhood OP

PatriciaHolm Mon 23-Jan-17 17:11:43

I think the eating out thing sounds like a very minor issue that is representative of much bigger problems.

He has 2 kids that you don't like. They aren't going anywhere and this point, you have no chance of changing his parenting style. This has disaster written all over it.

corythatwas Mon 23-Jan-17 17:14:36

"As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also."

Unless I am very much mistaken this is not a pleasant way to speak about a couple of teenagers who are very much part of your OHs family. If that is how you think about them- however justified you may be- then like other posters I don't see a future for your relationship.

BadToTheBone Mon 23-Jan-17 17:16:35

You need to walk away unless you're prepared to pay for his kids too, as they say "he comes with baggage". My stepdd now lives with us and we don't get a single penny of her mum, even though dh and I have paid over over 17 years prior to this. You have step children, you pay for them. That's how it is.

DragonMamma Mon 23-Jan-17 17:18:08

It sounds like you don't particularly like these children and are already resentful of the time and money you have to spend with/on them.

This isn't going to get any better so if you feel it can't change then walk away now.

WannaBe Mon 23-Jan-17 17:18:40

He may or may not be a disney dad. But tbh the way you speak about them is appalling If my DP referred to my DS in the way you have just referred to your DP's children ("little darlings"?) it would be me doing the walking away. Without so much as a backward glance.

You are not cut out to be a stepmum and his children deserve better.

katronfon Mon 23-Jan-17 17:19:48

IMO this would be better all round in step-parenting!

Allthewaves Mon 23-Jan-17 17:20:10

Your quibbling over treating your step children to a meal, this isn't the relationship for you.

StepMum2Be Mon 23-Jan-17 17:20:22

Oh dear, overwhelmingly in favour of walking away - not actually what I asked, that's not going to happen. The children have their own rooms at our house, they are dearly loved by their father and want for nothing. I don't feel I need to love them, they have everything they need from their mother and father. I respect and love my H2B (its his choice to parent as he sees fit - I don't have to agree) and was obviously aware the children came along too. How do you become ready for step motherhood stopfuckingshoutingatme ? I'm genuinely interested by the responses.

MycatsaPirate Mon 23-Jan-17 17:21:00

Walk away. This will never work because he hasn't got the balls to actually parent his children and you quite clearly can't abide that (and I don't blame you).

charlestonchaplin Mon 23-Jan-17 17:21:10

Walk away! They'll use you and abuse you, the leeches. All three of them.

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