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AIBU it's a wedding one!

(56 Posts)
AutopsyandTim Mon 23-Jan-17 15:44:25

So here goes, it's a bit of a long one but I need to explain the background.....

Wedding invite received late last year for good friend of DH's getting married this autumn. Invite says no kids so adults "can dance the night away". Fine so far, their wedding their choice.

Wedding is on a Monday just before noon. Church 6 hour drive away so our plan was to drive to SIL's (4 hours away from us) on the Saturday and spend weekend with them. This was after SIL had very kindly offered to book Monday and Tuesday off work to look after our 2 year old. SIL's 8 year old will be at school as term time. We will have to leave about 8am to allow for traffic to get to the church in good time. Reception is then a further hours drive north so we've booked a room at the venue, would get up early and set off for the 3 hour drive back to SIL's for DD, stay another night at SIL's and go home the next day.

Since receiving invite I'm now pregnant and baby will be around 10 weeks old by the wedding. Even though my lovely SIL has said she'll happily have both DC's I know I won't be able to leave the baby that far away from me and overnight. When DD was 9 weeks old I left her for 3 hours for a wedding reception 20 minutes away with my mum and struggled being away from her. I will also be breastfeeding.

Again SIL (I know I'm lucky to have her) has suggested following us up in her car, amusing kids for afternoon as she knows the area well, back to our hotel room and going home after wedding breakfast, about 5pm, and I'll then come back to room so she can leave.

Still with me? AIBU in asking the bride and groom if we can bring new baby (leaving DD with SIL as originally planned). I like to think I'm a considerate parent and will say I'll take baby straight outside if started crying at church/during speeches etc. I could use sling so no bulky pram or car seat getting in anyones way and I'd go to our hotel room to feed, so no flopping boobs around everywhere!

So let me have it - what do you think?

Gaaaah Mon 23-Jan-17 15:53:05

Goodness, for the amount of faff involved I just wouldn't go to be honest!

We didn't want any children at our wedding (except for close family) because the venue was very open and not well lit and worried about the safety aspect, but, I did have my friends children there because I desperately wanted her to attend and it was no bother to us at all. If someone had asked in your scenario, I would have gladly allowed you to bring the baby all day.

Don't hold your breath for them to accept it though.

HaloOnFire Mon 23-Jan-17 15:55:46

I'm with Gaaah, I wouldn't go. But I'm a miserable cahhh grin

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Mon 23-Jan-17 16:02:22

That sounds absolutely horrendous, over complicated and stressful. I'd stay at home and enjoy newborn cuddles smile

xStefx Mon 23-Jan-17 16:02:31

I wouldn't go, If the bride and groom have said no to everyone else's kids then it would be unfair to ask for yours to come.

Gooseygoosey12345 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:03:51

Even if I had a child free wedding I would definitely make exceptions for babes in arms. It's worth speaking to the bride and telling her your concerns.

Chocolatecake12 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:06:50

You can ask. Be prepared for them to say no but tbh a baby is different from a child running around. I can't see what the hassle would be and it's a fair compromise as your situation has changed.
Your SIL sounds very lovely! How kind to offer to have the baby.

greeeen Mon 23-Jan-17 16:08:50

I wouldn't ask as it will put bride and groom in a very awkward position, also may make some of the other guests who arranged child care a bit hmm if you turn up with a baby. I would simply tell them you're very sorry but can no longer make it and the reason why. Then if they want to make an exception for you they can offer.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity Mon 23-Jan-17 16:14:19

Most childfree weddings allow newborns. It's very different to older kids running round. Sitting at the back and removing a fussy baby I immediately is a given however.
Give the bride a call. If she says no, personally I would kindly decline their invitation. It's a hell of a lot of faff for a small Monday wedding.
I invited guests from far and wide to my wedding and would never have expected them to leave their children so long due to the to travel involved so I allowed kids. Maybe the bride hasn't considered the trouble it takes to find multiple nights of childcare, and for a newborn is pretty much a definite no.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit Mon 23-Jan-17 16:16:24

Babes in arms are almost always an exception, regardless of feeding method.

BreezyThursday Mon 23-Jan-17 16:19:46

I would expect an exception for a 10 week old baby - although I have attended wedding where parents think it's acceptable for baby to grumble through ceremony when it should have been taken out.

I was put off at the reception being an hour away from the ceremony!

Note3 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:23:33

Agree with above; babe's in arms are usually an exception and Tbh I'd raise my eyebrows at anyone who still said no to newborns as in my mind it's unreasonable (yes I realise some ppl will disagree).

I personally would explain that you wouldn't be able to leave the baby so wondered if as it's teeny could you bring it but I'd emphasise that I would not be offended if they'd prefer not. Then it would be up to you whether your DH wanted to perhaps go alone?

A 6hr drive with a newborn is potentially going to be stressful as anything as I've had 3 children and not one would sleep well in the car. An hour was about their limit and then we'd have to stop...that's like 5 or 6 stops potentially for you each way! Once they were about 9 mths they were better in car but til then was quite stressful. Your baby may be fine.mmits just the unknown. Mind you they say no more than 2 hrs in a car seat so that's still 3 stops at least!

PragmaticWench Mon 23-Jan-17 16:24:38

Will you want to drive that far with a newborn? It would mean several stops and an awful lot of hassle. I'd stay home with the baby and send DH off to the wedding alone, or you and the children stay with your sister whilst he goes the extra bit to the wedding perhaps?

domesticslattern Mon 23-Jan-17 16:28:11

Just decline.That's a hell of a lot of driving and messing about for a sleep deprived couple, a toddler and a newborn. Just give yourself a break!

coconutpie Mon 23-Jan-17 16:29:10

A 6 hour drive with a newborn for a wedding? Fuck no. DH can attend alone. No way in hell would I go.

ohgoodlordthatsmoist Mon 23-Jan-17 16:29:40

I'd ask the question but be prepared for them to say no.
How lovely is your SIL though, wish my family were more helpful.

sonyaya Mon 23-Jan-17 16:38:37

I disgaree with those who say it is always an exception for newborns; it isn't. I have been to plenty of weddings where it's no under 18s at all (including nieces/nephews etc!)

For my wedding if you asked the answer would probably be no because there are around 20 babies (as in under 1) and saying yes to one means saying yes to all. But if there were only a couple of people with babies we would make the exception. Others would say no to even one.

I think as long as it is a polite enquiry to clarify the position on babies with no hard feelings if the answer is no, rather than an expectation that you can take baby or guilt tripping the couple, I don't think asking is unreasonable.

If they say no definitely decline. If they are reasonable people this won't be controversial. I can't imagine being upset with someone declining our wedding for any reason let alone because it would involve leaving a little one.

Your SIL sounds like a legend by the way.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:43:08

Life's too short OP. Why would you bother with all that faff.

I'd decline

Lemon12345 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:43:39

I too did wonder about the practicality of taking a 10 week old baby (+/- a couple of weeks) on a 12+ hour round trip and staying a couple of nights at SIL's. I'd imagine it would be a lot of stress and upset, espcially if the baby doesn't settle. And a toddler on top who is getting used to sharing mummy and daddy...
Obviously it's up to you, and it might be something that seems feasible but you might have to cancel at last minute.

But if DH is such close friends I'd get him to talk to his friends about this. A simple question if they are that close. If not then call the bride yourself and tell her your great news, but you couldn't possibly leave the baby over night as you will be breastfeeding. Since no babies allowed, you're afraid you cannot attend. But you wish them all the best. If she wants to allow babies she will say without you outright asking her and putting her on the stop.

EweAreHere Mon 23-Jan-17 16:44:24

You have a brilliant SIL. Wow.

I would just tell the B&G that you'll have a roughly 2 month old, non-mobile, breastfeeding baby, so you no longer think you'll be able to attend. See what they say.

I do think non-mobile babies are different than toddlers and older children. They just are. But not everyone agrees, and it's the B&G's call.

Perhaps you could spend the weekend with your awesome SIL while your DH attends?

Or just stay home and enjoy the baby.

expatinscotland Mon 23-Jan-17 16:50:55

Decline. Too far, too much fucking faff and during the week, too.

GTS Mon 23-Jan-17 16:55:17

Sack it off. I've had to do the same for a very close friends wedding with a strict no child policy, she said she was unable to have my five week old baby there as she's told others they can't bring theirs, and you know what...that's fine by me! You have the best SIL everrrrrr though, make sure you're nice to her!

diddl Mon 23-Jan-17 16:55:47

I don't think that I would have accepted that even with no kids/babies/bfeeding involved tbh.

6hrs away, having to stay with relies who are still 2hrs away & then the reception is another hr from the church????

No way!

harderandharder2breathe Mon 23-Jan-17 17:05:24

Sounds like far too much faff even without a tiny baby! I really wouldn't want such a long trip with a ten week old.

PatriciaHolm Mon 23-Jan-17 17:08:35

That sounds like a huge amount of driving with a newborn - you'll need to stop every couple of hours so a 4 hours drive will take maybe 6? I'm usually all gung-ho about these things - we took DD to Paris at 6 weeks - but that does sound like a huge amount of pain and trouble to put a you, a newborn and 2 year old through.

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