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To ask your experience of divorce

(21 Posts)
Calvinlookingforhobbs Mon 23-Jan-17 13:34:45

I am in an unhappy marriage with a man who has openly told me he doesn't love or care about me. We have 2DC, a toddler and baby. I am starting to plan my exit and wondered how things have been others. It is likely that I will have to fight to gain 50% of the house etc and I suspect he will become quite bitter and difficult.
Baby cosleeps and is EBF, can overnights be forced? DC1 wouldn't not have coped with an overnight until at least 2.
How hard is it on your own? My income will be very compromised as will my standard of living.
Sorry for the long post, I'm just looking for honest advice. I've tried to suggest counselling I think DH won't go as he doesn't think he "should not compromise on who he is". Whatever that means. I'm feeling a bit sad but I know if I do this, I need to have a plan. Thank you

everythingis Mon 23-Jan-17 13:42:17

Get some legal advice asap. Be prepared for the fight but know what you are entitled to. Look at tax credits and housing benefit to give you an idea of likely income. Also record some income figures for your dh so you can work out likely child maintenance.

I stayed with exh too long because I was scared of coping with money on my own. We are 5 years on. Exh is awful but I'm happy. I don't own a home but I rent a nice house in a lovely area. I started dating again and eventually I met my dp of 2 years. The other men I dated were also nice. Every day away from knob exh re educated me about reasonable behaviour in relationships.

Turned out I was much better at managing money than exh who is claiming benefits for the second time in 6 months.

Sounds like you are well rid!

Lastly for context I left exh with a 2 year old and still pg with dd2. Yeh it was fecking hard but better than being miserable.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Mon 23-Jan-17 13:48:24

Would I be entitled to tax credits etc if I had a mortgage?

ghostyslovesheets Mon 23-Jan-17 13:55:37

Yes - tax credits and ctc are based on income - I have a mortgage and get them

It is hard I won't lie but I am much happier without the constant criticism, undermining and financial abuse

DJBaggySmalls Mon 23-Jan-17 14:06:46

Financially its hard. Its hard work.
But emotionally its so much easier you wont believe it. flowers

RedTitsMcGinty Mon 23-Jan-17 14:59:35

It's hard and painful going through the process but it's worth it. It's an infinitely better life when you're out the other side.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Jan-17 15:03:15

One of the best decisions, I've ever made. Hope you find the courage to do it

everythingis Mon 23-Jan-17 16:31:41

Me too thenaze

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 23-Jan-17 16:44:02

Start pulling together a team you. Get financial advice and see a mortgage advisor. Get copies of the details of assets. Try to stay on good terms with his family if possible. Go for counselling by yourself if he won't go, use the time to work through how you can work towards being happy (even if you don't end up leaving). If you only have a joint account, start up your own account and save as much as possible - even if it means dribs and drabs through selling clothes on a FB site.

LakieLady Mon 23-Jan-17 17:59:09

Register a matrimonial rights notice on the house, just in case he tries to sell it and cut you out. It's easy to do, is either free or pretty cheap, and there should be info on the land registry website about how to do it.

LucklessMonster Mon 23-Jan-17 19:35:32

I have no regrets at all. I feel so free and wonderful on my own (it's been eight months).

I was worried about money too, but I was so much happier living alone on a tight budget than living in an unhappy marriage with disposable income. As it happened, I had a big promotion soon after and now earn more than we used to joint.

Best of luck.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:40:54

Nobody has addressed the question of overnight contact which he's unfortunately entitled to and sounds like he's spiteful enough to go for. I appreciate that he is every bit as much the children's father but I don't buy the notion that it's in their best interests for him to have them having just watched a very nasty man take as much as he can of the DC's time in order to punish my cousin for pursuing her rightful financial claim. It upsets the children badly but he couldn't give less of a shit.

Not suggesting you should stay to avoid that situation but be informed.

Rainydayspending Mon 23-Jan-17 19:42:10

In my experience they wriggle and stall and act as arsey as they can. BUT, they still have to act within the law. Overnights can't be forced when bf but i recomend putting forward a plan / outline for when you anticipate working up to overnights (it helps you adjust/ prepare and looks very sensible / cooperative to those reviewing the paperwork).
Best thing i ever did (even when i had to sell up).
Do look into tax credits etc and claiming a % of childcare costs.

BlueFolly Mon 23-Jan-17 19:48:08

Best thing I ever did.

EveOnline2016 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:48:50

Not me but friends said after a while things go a lot better.

At first it is hard but they say life is easier as a single parent than being in a relationship where the husband/partner is like having a 3rd child.

MammyNeedsASpaDay Mon 23-Jan-17 20:08:12

At least you know you tried everything. He clearly doesn't deserve you. flowers

Newbrummie Mon 23-Jan-17 20:22:41

Believe it or not it's easier when the kids are little, far less damaging

Newbrummie Mon 23-Jan-17 20:26:16

The mortgage is the worst bit tbh because you can't get housing benefit if you are on it even if you move out, so he has to leave which they often don't do you're stuck until the house is sold.
Ypu then have to piss away all your savings/equality on rent if you can't buy straight away so if there's anyway you can get him out the door until you are ready to return to work and can get your own mortgage, do that

Sidge Mon 23-Jan-17 20:30:08

Divorce is like childbirth.

Painful, messy, emotional, exhausting and it takes a while to get over it.

But it can be so worth it.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Mon 23-Jan-17 21:23:49

Thanks. This is all good advice. It's so hard to know what to so, your replies do help.

CeCeBloomer Mon 23-Jan-17 22:04:27

As regards baby - no overnights won't be enforced whilst breastfeeding

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