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I think my friend is using me

(20 Posts)
Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 10:48:17

I have this best friend (will call him Joe) is one of two of my closest/longest friends. Other friend we will call Ann. She's lovely but very nervous.
DP organised my birthday this year. Tried to organise a surprise being time away just the two of us, my DM looked after DC and we then were to spend today with friends.
I found out accidentally/DP is terrible at keeping things a secret but I appreciated it so much all the same.
I've really enjoyed the weekend so far but last week Joe started putting pressure on to invite another friend to the activity planned for today. This female friend had upset me a long time ago and I tried not to hold onto that and can get on with her but for the sake of my birthday DP had only invited my two closest friends (he's actually only invited Ann but when I found out I said it would be cool to have Joe too).
He insisted he would be speaking to friend (who is also his ex) every day and she would feel left out.
I didn't want to say no necessarily but it felt like he didn't want to come unless she was there. I felt rather put out by it to be honest.
He really wanted to come and stay at mine with her but DP had already booked somewhere for us to stay and said yes to his DSis to stay at ours as she had an event to attend nearby. As we weren't going to be in for a majority he said yes. I said to Joe there wouldn't be room with SIL staying and I was sorry I didn't realise he'd already said yes.
He then said he wasn't sure he could come. Now he's travelled down nearby to see another friend and is saying he has to return before seeing us as planned. I had said if his ex wanted to come up she could but obviously nobody could stay at mine. Ann is trying to travel from her home today but nervous driver plus weather today I don't want to push her. Ex girlfriend of Joe isnt coming and Joe is now going home.

Sorry if this is all confusing but this is my aibu.
I think Joe is using me a bit here.
He is always trying to come see me but only with his ex. Never on his own. Knowing she has upset me and not apologised for this.
I think he's back with her and wants to use my place as a shag pad. He still has another ex living with him, his parents and his exes parents don't agree with their relationship so they can't stay together in his house or their parents houses...
the thing is I don't apreciate them using my house for this purpose when he can't be bothered to do something with me for my birthday as opposed to an excuse to sleep with his ex. (It also creeps me out regardless)
Aibu? Should I just ignore it or do you all think he's trying to use my place for his own reasons too?

ImperialBlether Mon 23-Jan-17 10:53:55

He's not your friend, OP. Really he isn't.

holeinmyheart Mon 23-Jan-17 10:58:36

Well you have the answer yourself really. You feel manipulated because he is manipulating you.
You need to be perfectly straight with him. As in, ' here is my birthday, it is all arranged, come or not, please yourself but answer by' .........
If you lose his friendship, so be it. He is causing you too much aggro to be considered a real friend.
The most important person to you, should be yourself. I don't mean you should be selfish, but you, your DH and your children's feelings should come first.
After all, when the chips are down they will be the ones looking after you in a bottom wiping crisis

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 23-Jan-17 10:58:51

I think he's being an arse. Let him strop off home and find another shag pad.

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 11:07:49

I'm glad others understand this. I was worried I was being too paranoid but it definitely seems to others as well that he's trying to use my family home as some sort of free hotel for sex.

sillygoof Mon 23-Jan-17 11:14:31

I don't understand how Ann fits into it? You've gone into detail about her but I don't see why?

greeeen Mon 23-Jan-17 11:16:52

he doesn't sound like a friend let alone a best friend. If one of my closest friends acted in this way I wouldn't be bothering with them much anymore.
Unless there is a backstory or some reason he would feel uncomfortable attending alone he is being very rude.

redshoeblueshoe Mon 23-Jan-17 11:17:48

Joe is a twat.
The end grin

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 12:59:10

I went into detail about Ann because I feel a tad hypocritical about being annoyed that he didn't come but I'm not with Ann for also not turning up. She has her reasons though and I'd rather not push her when she's unwell. I feel like Joe needs a kick up the arse if I'm honest. He sleeps with people knowing it's not long term, hides it from everyone and then wonders why shit hits the fan when he admits he doesn't want to be with them any longer.
Before this he has been a very very good and supportive friend so I feel bad that I'm not sticking it out through this issue I guess.
Joe is being a dingleberry though.

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 13:02:56

Joe also is very good friends with DP and the idea was Ann and Myself could team up and DP would have Joe to team up with. Four is a nice number for he activities we wanted to do but now it's back to just DP and myself for today.
I've had a nice two days thanks to DP we just don't know what to do with today and don't want to waste it.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick Mon 23-Jan-17 13:07:50

OK based on what you've told us about them, I think I would:

- Tell Ann not to worry because of the bad weather, and that you will do something with her soon, therefore taking the pressure off her

- Leave Joe out of it for the moment. Then sit down with him at some point and tell him what you have told us.

- Just enjoy being with DP. Use your own place as a shag pad, go for a nice lunch, shopping, swimming, whatever you like doing!

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 23-Jan-17 13:24:20

"I have this best friend (will call him Joe) is one of two of my closest/longest friends."
"Before this he has been a very very good and supportive friend so I feel bad that I'm not sticking it out through this issue I guess."
Shallow I know, but I found Janet Jackson's 'What Have You Done For Me Lately' going through my head ...

He is one of your oldest friends. Sometimes we cling onto the old and familiar, even though we have nothing in common any more. An old friend is not necessarily a good friend. Sometimes they are, but I suspect that's not the case here. You are married with kids, he is still shagging about in a way guaranteed to create juvenile drama - and did I read it right, he lives with his parents? You're growing apart.

And yes, he is trying to use you. Why don't you just be straight with him? 'I will not have you treating my home as a shag-pad Joe, rent a B&B for goodness sake!'

girlywhirly Mon 23-Jan-17 13:49:20

Joe is a user. He also has no manners, you don't try to get guests changed to your own liking if you have been invited to something.

Does your DH feel the same as you, that Joe manipulates you both? Time to step right back. Agree that Joe will not be staying overnight in your home, whether you are there or not.

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 18:42:57

He doesn't live with his mum he lives with a different ex which makes this all the more ridiculous.
I'm only ever a good idea to visit when he can come round with this girl. i don't begrudge him having sex but don't only offer to see me when you can bring your bit of stuff over to bonk without getting caught. It's wound me up all day. I have to say I'm enjoying the two days of just DP and I. He's spoilt me rotten this birthday and now I get to plan a girls weekend with Ann and a few others. Plus we've actually saved money by not doing the activity we were going to do with friends which Is good too.

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 18:46:39

DP is actually quite happy to cut any friend at a moments notice to be honest. If someone starts taking advantage of him they're gone. He's a great friend to his friends until they start taking the piss. He's somewhat older than I am though and he says he's been through this so many times he's learnt not to dwell and knows he'll feel better when he spends time with the few friends who don't take the piss.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 23-Jan-17 19:37:08

So, Joe lives with one ex and brings a different ex/current to shag stay over at your home? Effectively making you and DH complicit in his cheating because both their parents refuse to be used in that way? Oh, just Fuck. Right. Off. Joe!

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 20:16:52

He would quite happily point out it's not cheating because he told ex he lives with to go on dates now they've split up (because it's that easy you see!)
If anyone fancies getting some more wonderful relationship advice from Joe please form an orderly queue lol

Cherrysoup Mon 23-Jan-17 20:18:42

Joe sounds like a wanker. Why are you friends with him? And why make the effort to try to get him to come down today when you say it feels like he never makes the effort to see you unless he can bring the exyoudislike?

Crapfriends Mon 23-Jan-17 20:27:45

To be fair this is fairly recent behaviour that's started up (since reconnecting with his ex). Before this we were very close. There's been the odd niggle and gripe here and there but we've sorted it between us by joking our way through but this really gets my goat. He was really trying to make me feel guilty for not inviting his ex to my birthday. he probably thinks he wasn't being manipulative but honestly how else am I to take it?

Crapfriends Tue 24-Jan-17 21:45:21

And now I've got home to see the friend Joe visited nearby has posted on Facebook about the lovely evening they had last night so he clearly stayed longer than he was willing to stay to see me for my birthday. I'm sorry but this has angered me more than anything now. I feel like I'm limited on good friends as it is and he's just proven why I can't really trust many people at all. Feels like he's just shat all over our friendship.

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