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DM op AIBU?

(15 Posts)
Princesstwilightsparkle Sun 22-Jan-17 22:59:24

My DM has required a delicate ladies op shall we say, and over the last 6 years has had 2 such op's which have both failed and she is back at square one. Just before Christmas she admitted that she is in agony, to the point that my DP have decided that they will pay to go privately (they are comfortable buy not wealthy by any means).

Privately so far she has had 2 consultant appointments cancelled on her, and last week received a letter to say due to queues in the NHS they have had to postpone the op for an additional 2 months (instead of next month) as they use hospital facilities.

When she told me she was practically in tears as shes quite clearly suffering.

I suggested they look at alternate providers as I feel that as they are paying they should be receiving a better service. She told me that they had discussed this and decided to wait the extra time as they are likely to have after care in the local hospital anyway.

I can't help but feel that the wait makes a mockery of why you would pay for the service. I told her I was a bit cross that they wouldn't even entertain looking into alternative services (not even a phone call to enquire) and felt she is being a doormat & ought to stick up for herself a bit more. I felt I may have been a bit harsh, but not even to phone up a few companies to gauge the difference?

Am I right (or wrong) that she should be demanding a swifter service?

GladAllOver Sun 22-Jan-17 23:03:20

I'm very gla to hear that consultants trained by the NHS are having to put their NHS patients first.
And I say this as someone who has used private treatment.

I do sympathise with your DM's pain, But the NHS patients will be suffering pain too.

Ellypoo Sun 22-Jan-17 23:15:47

This is why our NHS should be the priority in this country though - the training is all through the NHS, most consultants & surgeons mainly work for the NHS and do private work 'on the side' and also use NHS facilities - therefore people who are prioritised through the NHS are going to affect the private patients waiting lists, just goes to show that paying for healthcare doesn't guarantee preferential or better treatment. I hope your DM gets her op soon though.

Princesstwilightsparkle Sun 22-Jan-17 23:17:22

But Glad she's had 2 failed ops already, henxe the requirement for this one. We're looking at 6 years of discomfort, nit a couple of months. If they had done it right in the first place we wouldn't be here 3rd tine in a row. She's hardly a queue jumper. She couldn't face the queue for the 3rd time!

Princesstwilightsparkle Sun 22-Jan-17 23:18:40

Awful typos sorry!

DeathStare Sun 22-Jan-17 23:57:41

YABU

I'm not going to comment on the private vs NHS thing. But your DM has made her choice about her medical treatment and you need to respect that. There is no one right answer in these circumstances - everyone weighs up different factors and awards them different importance. You vale speed over a specific hospital, she values a specific hospital over speed. Her body, her treatment, her choice

(As a disclaimer: I may well have a slightly different stance if she was relying on you for pre/post operative care and this would cause you difficulties because of her choice)

Princesstwilightsparkle Mon 23-Jan-17 00:06:20

Deathstare I see your point, but its the same hospital who have botched it up twice. One of the reasons she said they wouldn't look at a local private run hospital is that one of their friends had a bad experience a few years ago, but I know of many people who have said its incredible and you are treated like a hotel guest. They won't even phone them to ask about prices etc?! I really don't understand.

DeathStare Mon 23-Jan-17 00:09:46

You don't need to understand. Or agree. The phrase "her body, her choice" doesn't just apply to terminations. She doesn't have to justify her medical choices to you. Respect that.

PitilessYank Mon 23-Jan-17 00:22:43

Would your mom consider going to another country for the surgery?

Or could you take a tour of the private hospital and relay your thoughts to her?

I am sorry that she is in so much pain-she sounds like a real trooper.flowers

Princesstwilightsparkle Mon 23-Jan-17 00:27:54

Pitilessyank she won't even go to the private one down the road! I give up. If she chooses to be in pain an additional 2 months and pay for this privilige then I can't see that she would consider an alternative. I'm just sad that shes being such a walk over.

MakeMyWineADouble Mon 23-Jan-17 00:38:02

sorry just to clarify her choice is a different surgeon and the same hospital she has been to before which she is doing organising by going private? Have the previous ops been bodged or just failed? I only ask as if they have been botched and she only wants a different surgeon if she goes through pals she should be able to arrange that on the NHS. Ultimately it is up to her if she would rather wait and go where she is comfortable then while I can see your frustration it is up to her what she feels best.

Princesstwilightsparkle Mon 23-Jan-17 00:56:01

I believe failed is the technical term. She was meant to have a hysterecomy the last time, but the surgeon thought her womb was too healthy to remove, so she had a prolapse op (again) (same surgeon) which are notoriously bad for failing. The only saving grace is that after the same surgeon cancelled again for the second consultation she agreed to request a different one. She is in effect walking round with her womb slipping out and apparently this is considered 'elected sugery' ?!

hopelesslycynical Mon 23-Jan-17 00:57:12

I can understand how you feel, especially if she is frequently complaining of pain, but as other posters have said, it's her body, her choice of hospital and treatment so it's totally upto her. You have to respect that! With regards to her previous treatment, how do you know it was botched?! Very few (if any) treatments or surgery is 100% successful.

Princesstwilightsparkle Mon 23-Jan-17 01:01:28

Hopelesscynical if she'd had a hysterecomy when they said, the problem would have been dealt with a few years ago. Its my opinion ofcourse, but now 2 'prolapse' ops and a hystorectomy, thats a lot to go through and they could have saved her the pain of at least 1 op

MakeMyWineADouble Mon 23-Jan-17 01:07:28

Unfortunately as you say prolapse surgery is notoriously bad for falling! The problem with elective vs emergency surgery is emergency only covers life threatening things anything else even though it can have such a major impact is elective. Ultimately all you can do is support and offer advice the rest is down to your Dm. Sorry that's not much help it's important she's honest with everyone about the true impact on her I only say these as my grandmother had this and it was only when she let my aunt attend an appointment as she couldn't hear what was being said anymore we realised how much she was minimising things.

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