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Awful row with dc- where did I go wrong?

(41 Posts)
stillpinching Sun 22-Jan-17 21:02:15

I have just had the most awful incident with my children and need honest opinions about how it could have been avoided. I am reeling it was so shocking.

Ds2 (8) was home with me while ds1 (10) was at training with my ex. It was about 6pm and ds2 had been playing with aqua beads for a while but started to get frustrated. I was sorting things out for tomorrow, bit talking to him at the same time, so he wasn’t being ignored. I was thinking he was tired and about ready for bed. Then his brother came home and shortly after ds2 got down a massive tub of beads from a high shelf and said he was going to start on those. I said no way – you’re tired and it’s bed time, and took the beads from him. He starting arguing, which I ignored, and put the beads down, just missing the table top and spilling a fair few of them. It was annoying, but could have been worse, but ds2 started shouting it was my fault etc. Ds1 then started trying to appease him, and said he would clean them up. I said to leave it, I would do it later but he insisted.
Well, he cleaned up a small pile in about 90 seconds, which was fine and more than I expected him to do as he had not been involved at all in spilling them. He then started saying ds2 had to thank him, which ds2 flatly refused to do – as ds1 had known he would. It then escalated to shouting and arguing. I then realised there were loads of ds1’s toys under the kitchen table which would need putting away before bed. I told him this and he blew up – shouting that he’s a slave and I love ds2 more. He was roaring and hitting out at ds2, who was saying provocative things.
Then I blew up and sent them both to bed. There was shouting and I suppose I was fairly rough in ‘escorting them to their rooms’. Ds2 had to have a shower, so after putting 3 loads of washing away I called him out for his shower. By then ds1 had gone down and collected up his toys. During the shower ds2 repeatedly said he hates me, I’m always shouting (I do /did shout too much, but work on it all the time with a lot of success) and that I hurt him all the time (not true at all). He was going on and on and then said “I’m glad we’re hardly ever at yours as all you do is shout.” (They're at mine about 70% of the time) I then said fine he/they could go to their dad’s and to come down while I phoned him. I was shaking and crying.
They both came down, with ds1 telling ds2 to go away. Then ds1 hugged me and we all hugged and I apologised. I told them I was happy to ring their dad and wouldn’t be upset but they said no. We had lots more cuddles/talking etc and now they are both in bed- one asleep and one reading.
I know it was utterly awful and unacceptable but I just don’t know how we got from mild irritation at some spilt beans to where we ended up. Can anybody help?

ClopySow Sun 22-Jan-17 21:10:46

It happens. Don't beat yourself up.

Allthebestnamesareused Sun 22-Jan-17 21:13:15

Try not to dwell in it. It's hard work if you are in your own without back up. It sounds like everyone was tired and frazzled and you all made up in the end.

wine for you

Servicesupportforall Sun 22-Jan-17 21:14:15

Good grief op happens to al families.

Honestly don't worry lovely

Rory786 Sun 22-Jan-17 21:16:37

Aww sorry to hear this OP. Sometimes kids are tired and they say hurtful things. I know how you felt- all shaky and teary. At least ds1 came down and apologised.
I shout a lot. I have 5 children (two teen boys and 3 girls under 3) When things like this happen it motivates me to be less shouty and focussed on chores. Give them lots of cuddles and reassurance.

MycatsaPirate Sun 22-Jan-17 21:17:17

DS2 clearly overtired and pushing boundaries. DS1 clearly trying to curry favour by clearing up his brothers mess and then provoking his brother with the thank you demand.

How would I have handled it? Probably exactly the same as you.

They know how to push buttons don't they?

Just forget it. Tomorrow is another day.

yorkshapudding Sun 22-Jan-17 21:17:24

Give yourself a break flowers

scottishdiem Sun 22-Jan-17 21:20:23

DS1 is on the cusp of puberty/has started. Hormones everywhere and different ways of thinking are starting. This, plus DS2 finding it easy to maybe goad DS1 means that these things will happen.

It may work to have them maybe spend different nights occasionally apart if they can - 1 with you and 1 with ex. Not often. Just once in a while to be apart. Me and my sibling went through a phase of sheer loathing about that age but after a couple of years it settled down and being apart helped (staying at cousins or friends houses).

Dont blame yourself though.

mrsknackered Sun 22-Jan-17 21:20:40

They love you and you love them.
Tiredness unleashes the devil in children.
Nothing you could have done too have prevented!
P.S who doesn't shout too much?

MinnieMinchkin Sun 22-Jan-17 21:20:57

Kids play their siblings and their parents off against each-other whether they are under the same roof or not. I know this as I have a big brother. Give yourself a break x

Soubriquet Sun 22-Jan-17 21:22:44

Sounds like everyone just snapped

It was one of those things

It's over and done now. Try not dwell

MollyHuaCha Sun 22-Jan-17 21:25:17

Don't overthink it. We've all been there thinking 'if only cd wind back the clock, if only I'd said this, not said that, done the other...'.
Have a nice cup of tea and a couple of biccies, start a new day tomorrow!

counterpoint Sun 22-Jan-17 21:25:51

You handled it better than I would have.

Hugs flowers

Fortnum Sun 22-Jan-17 21:26:51

dont apologise you are raising entitled brats otherwise, don't back down.

Pinotwoman82 Sun 22-Jan-17 21:27:18

I'm actually glad that this doesn't just happen to me, I feel like I shout far to much, it's so hard isn't it flowerswine

stillpinching Sun 22-Jan-17 21:28:12

Thanks for these lovely replies. I just feel bad because of threatening to ring their dad like it was a punishment. I am always dreading the day they say they want to live with him, or spend more time there than they already do, yet am acutely aware that it's their right if they want it. I feel like I guilt-tripped them tonight sad. I also feel ds1 feels more responsible for things than he should.

StarryIllusion Sun 22-Jan-17 21:31:08

That sounds pretty normal overtired, stroppy 10 and 8 year old boys tbh OP, don't beat yourself up. Kids that age are always having histrionics over something and sometimes you've just had it with them.

Soubriquet Sun 22-Jan-17 21:31:43

I do think you should stop with the "I'll call your dad" threat though

They need to see you are capable of punishing not just dad.

And I'll bet their dad will treat so it becomes a treat and not a punishment

stillpinching Sun 22-Jan-17 21:35:13

Oh, I wasn't meaning their dad would punish them. He has very low standards and I do believe a lot of the problems I have with them stem form his being so lax. No need to pick things up, take washing to the laundry etc while there, so I'm a dragon for insisting on it here.

Mrsmadevans Sun 22-Jan-17 21:42:14

Been there bought the tee , its awful atm in time but it fades away and we forget. Apologise and tell them you love them more than life itself and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes, they sound gorgeous kids you must be doing something right my dear

ClopySow Sun 22-Jan-17 21:42:46

I used to worry my two sons would want to live with their dad. They're 15 and 14 now and it still hasn't happened. They know where they have it better.

I also always felt guilty about how much my eldest took on the responsible role. I had to tell him to stop eventually. Poor kid, he was relieved when i said it.

Soubriquet Sun 22-Jan-17 21:43:18

Then you need to come up with a different punishment instead of the "I'll call your dad" routine

Horrible to have to do it but needs must.

Extra chores or loss of tv time or something like that

BigGrannyPants Sun 22-Jan-17 21:43:34

Don't give yourself a hard time, sometimes it goes from zero to 60 over nothing. Talk to both individually about what happened, apologise for your part in it and then get them together to talk about it. Do it soon though, the moment passes quickly. Hope you are ok, sounds like you are already well on the way to sorting it out

stillpinching Sun 22-Jan-17 21:47:20

Sorry, just to be clear, I said I'd call their dad because ds2 had said he was glad he spends more time with his dad than me (he doesn't, but he was trying to be hurtful and it worked). so I was doing a 'Fine, go to your dad's then,' rather than a 'I'll call your dad, that'll learn you,' type thing.

Slimmingsnake Sun 22-Jan-17 21:48:03

Sounds like normal family life to me....not every day obviously,but hay shit days just had will be someone else's turn tomorrow x

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