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Hen do dramas

(340 Posts)
Sunshinerainbows123 Sun 22-Jan-17 07:39:02

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

westcoastnortherneragain Sun 22-Jan-17 07:41:15

Sounds like she's being a complete bridezilla. I wouldn't go personally..... however if you are going only pay for one night

Lilaclily Sun 22-Jan-17 07:45:35

Dear bridezilla,

Sorry dad's birthday has now turned into a weekend thing , I've known about his birthday for 50 years

Have a lovely hen

Over and out grin

MissVictoria Sun 22-Jan-17 07:49:18

In that situation i'd honestly not go. You've been pro actively asking when is it, where is it, what will we be doing etc and been told nothing til the very last minute. The birthday being reason to not go the second day tbh depends if your father is celebrating. If theres a big party etc of course you should prioritise that, but if it would just be hanging about the house visiting it could wait til the Monday and i'd have gone to both days of the hen do. The real issue is the sheer cost, it would take me a whole year of cutting out other things to save £180, and that's just for acomodation and not the activities! You should absolutely have been warned months ago it was going to be pricey and given time to save, and she's known for months you would be attending the first day only due to your parents birthday. She's been completely unreasonable.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 22-Jan-17 07:53:43

£180?! Is she flush, to expect people to have that much cash free?

Is she the kind of person to respond to a chat about her bridezilla behaviour?

Holidayhelp2017 Sun 22-Jan-17 07:54:33

Yeah that's unreasonable of her. A hen do is a nice chance to have a catch up with female friends before your wedding, especially as on the day the bride will have other family and friends to see and might not get to spend as much time with everyone as she would like. But I always imagine women who make a big fuss of the hen do are overly concerned with being the centre of attention. It's a bit foot-stampy and "but it's MY night"- nah, your wedding day is "your night", this is a nice optional extra. Don't get me wrong, I think opportunities to get together with friends are great, and can be rare as people get older, but surely the wedding is the essential part and if someone can't make the hen do then it's really no big deal?

BadLad Sun 22-Jan-17 07:56:58

Sorry dad's birthday has now turned into a weekend thing , I've known about his birthday for 50 years

If her Dad is about to turn 50, then I doubt the OP has known anything for 50 years.wink

Lilaclily Sun 22-Jan-17 07:57:39


SenoritaViva Sun 22-Jan-17 08:00:06

I am probably the wrong person to ask as I'm not a big believer in splashing out for this sort of thing.

I would say that you really don't have that kind of money and are very sad but will have to pull out of hen do, esp as clash with dad's bday. There's no way you should be expected to pay for two nights either!

haveacupoftea Sun 22-Jan-17 08:03:11

If this happened to me, I couldn't go. Its the week before payday in January ffs confused

SenoritaViva gives good advice. Just be honest but firm. If she goes hysterical and cuts you off, she wasn't that good a friend anyway.

CosyCoupe88 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:08:20

She has probably got so embroiled in her wedding and the high costs that 180 doesn't seem like much. As she has known for ages how much ti expect she probably kind of feels you have also known too. She is being totally unreasonable as was the maid of honour. They should have been more upfront of costs and got a mind of people s budgets . How much were you expecting to spend? Sounds like they are already in a grun with you thinking you had "got out of half the weekend" si even if you paid and went they may give you a hard time.

Lots saying don't go but it does depend on what th bride is usually like . Is she a close good friend? Maybe she has just lost perspective and maybe needs some support. Its easy for weddings to run away out of control and then leave the bride just panicking and lashing out at people she loves. I got a bit overwhelmed with my wedding plans and scaled down my own hen from a weekend away abroad the my bridesmaids had planner to a day at go ape!

Can you arrange to just meet with her for tea and cake and try and talk it out?

But I wouldn't just pay up and go in this scenario. They have been really unreasonable

coconutpie Sun 22-Jan-17 08:08:42

I wouldn't go and I also would be telling her why. She sounds like a lousy friend. She may have been lovely previously but friends don't demand that off their wedding guests.

CosyCoupe88 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:11:53

Unless thay had asked me or I had volunteered.. I would also not be happy with the assumption I would pay for the whole 2 nights. Especially as you told them from the start.

Chocolatecake12 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:23:31

Do you live near enough to Brighton to just turn up for the days activities and drive home again?
Or could you arrange your own accommodation for just one night? Air bnb perhaps.
£180 is a load of money just for accommodation without food drinks and activities.
You need to be firm. Get all the details from bride or maid of honour and then make the weekend work for you.

FutureMrsRanj Sun 22-Jan-17 08:33:25

No,if it's a lot of money to you she is being unreasonable. Echoing going for the first day as 'goodwill' and going to your dads birthday which has now become an all weekend do!

FutureMrsRanj Sun 22-Jan-17 08:34:01

As in first day, not night so you don't need to pay for accommodation

Bluntness100 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:40:51

Do you know the name of the hotel? I'd speak to them to see if you can. Amended the booking to one night. I'd speak to the matron of honor first.

It seems unreasonable to expect you to pay two nights when only using one, altnough. I do wonder why if your dads birthday is on the Sunday why you can't leave on Sunday morning and head to him, that you need to leave on the Saturday. Do you live very very far away?

I'm wondering if she's thinking the same thing and thinks you don't want to do the whole thing.

GinIsIn Sun 22-Jan-17 08:44:58

I would be making it clear to the bride that you'd asked the MoH repeatedly for details and not been told anything, that your father's birthday is a long standing arrangement that you made clear when the date was suggested, and that you feel it best you don't attend the weekend as the cost is a big some to be asked for at short notice when you aren't able to stay the weekend in any case!

Sunshinerainbows123 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:46:32

The way she piled on the guilt made me think I was being a really bad friend. But I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks it's a lot of money. To be told not to stress about money and you're a teacher you get paid loads (I can wish) was annoying as that is a lot of money for me to find last minute. They have both known from the start about my dads birthday my nan has been planning a suprise party (I'm sure the secrets out though) as he never usually celebrates. I can't physically get up there until very late on the Friday anyway as its term time and I can't just book Friday off like they had previously suggested. So I'd be paying 180 pounds for not a lot.
I know it's going to cause a massive fall out but think I'm going to text something like this:
Hi bride
Have had a look at finances and really can't afford the accommodation. I still want to come and enjoy all the activities on the Saturday so will drive up early in the morning and leave later in the evening, please let me know when you need the money for these. I'm looking forward to seeing you then!

Can feel a massive argument coming

Sunshinerainbows123 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:50:41

Bluntness my dad lives in Manchester so I do not want to leave Brighton on the Sunday morning drive to where I live (Bournemouth to get kids) and then up to Manchester.

Maverickismywingman Sun 22-Jan-17 08:52:50

I hate how hen parties start to grow arms and legs in terms of money.

If you do still want to go, I'd pay half of the money that was requested. It's really up to the bridesmaids to work out how much everyone owes and I think they are BU to expect you to pay the whole whack.

And whilst I agree £180 is steep count yourself lucky, one hen do is £500 on a wedding forum there's nothing you can do about the cost of what is organised now.

You're not being awkward tho.

Secretsweets Sun 22-Jan-17 08:54:17

Yep I would definitely send that message to the Bride, bypass the MOH as she hasn't really made the situation any easier has she.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 22-Jan-17 08:55:19

She is being incredibly unreasonable. I had a friend who did this-all the activities for her wedding cost me around £1k in the end, and it was money I really couldn't afford to spend either. I should have put my foot down and really regret not doing.

Allthewaves Sun 22-Jan-17 08:55:44

is it a spa hotel thing?

tbf you have known about it for ages and why wouldn't you have budgeted for at least couple hundred for weekend as hen weekend are never cheap - your a brisdemaid not just some friend for the hen.

She is out of order being furious and ott to be annoyed about leaving on sunday when you had already told her when date was organised.

Maverickismywingman Sun 22-Jan-17 08:57:39

Sorry. Just saw your update.

I think what you want to send sounds fine. And this is very common in hen party planning.

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