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If I am AIBU pls feel free to slap me round the face with a wet fish. If I am not, can you help me articulate my feelings....

(70 Posts)
Mikethenight2good Sat 21-Jan-17 22:52:19

My husband is a fantastic cook (not his profession). We host people often, he loves to cook. However I am getting really tired of the other stuff that comes with it. So today for example, we have some family coming for dinner. Pretty informal, people we see often. Hubby has had a tough week and is really under the weather, so today I go to M&S buy lovely food that can be popped in the oven. Hopefully not too much work. (He still wanted the dinner to go ahead). But usually he tends to take up the whole day cooking and he can't possibly help with the children, and actually, it would be helpful if we could all get out from under his feet.

So it comes to early evening and twitching hour(s) commence with our LO and we are in the throws of dinner bath and bed. However, he can't help, as he is prepping for tonight dinner. I question this, but we apparently we need extra stuff on top of the stuff I bought, so he is cooking that.

He has a tendancy to bellow for me from the kitchen like I am his kitchen slave when he needs me for something. It's not what he says it's the way he says it.... I can't really explain this very well..

So after getting the kids to bed and inbetween numerous visits upstairs to settle the baby I am sorting out drinks and I always sort out hubby a drink. We sit down to eat, lots of praise and thanks to hubby for the dinner.
I clear up & sort pudding out, but he has to come and take over. He is quite precious about 'his kitchen' but also there is an element of him that won't let his limelight be shared.

He loves all the attention, I feel like the poor side kick, they leave, he goes to bed. I clear up, load dish washer and clean up kitchen.

I am so fucked of with it. The whole praising him for being such a fantastic, and how lucky I am. For what it's worth, he has barely cooked a thing all week as he is so poorly apparently. It's like the everyday mundane jobs don't do it for him but the really attention seeking high praise ones do.

It is like this week. I had a job interview one evening so hubby has to pick up the children and get them ready for bed. He takes a picture of him snuggled up with the children and puts it on social media with some narrative bed time with daddy. Again lots of gushing praise etc. I do this every night. Every. Fucking. Night. Nope, no parent of the year award here.

I feel I should feel lucky to have him. And I am to a degree. But he is fucking lucky to have me. I do so much for our family, and it's not even recognised or Acknowledged.

So if you have got this far, thank you for reading xx

DangerousBeanz Sat 21-Jan-17 22:55:38

He'd piss me off too.

ImperialBlether Sat 21-Jan-17 22:55:51

Totally agree with you, just as all those people who watch the guy carve the turkey at Christmas and eat a burned BBQ sausage will testify - many people will cook for an audience then go to bed with the sound of applause ringing in their ears and leave the washing up to their wives.

Nocabbageinmyeye Sat 21-Jan-17 22:57:52

I have no way fish, I have a can of tuna though, you could use it to slap your dh round the face with it?? Yanbu!

Nocabbageinmyeye Sat 21-Jan-17 22:58:23


Gazelda Sat 21-Jan-17 23:00:54

God, that would bloody infuriate me too! Other than accidentally swapping the sugar for the salt one day, I don't know what to suggest.

TSSDNCOP Sat 21-Jan-17 23:06:38

How utterly tedious. If he wants to do it, let him. All of it.

BlueClearSkies Sat 21-Jan-17 23:08:02


My exh used to do this. When he was cooking for people it would take up the whole day, nothing else could be done. I would be left with the clearing up of course because he had done the cooking. Everyone would say what a great cook he was.

iwasbornaunicorn Sat 21-Jan-17 23:13:12


Time for a chat with your hubby about this.

I think it's all too easy to fall into a pattern of behavior he's so used to you doing this he doesn't question it.

Something I've learnt to do is just hand over, the childcare then let him get on with it. No prep or reminding him to do xyz (unless it's something out of the ordinary).

If it makes you feel better I get lots of aren't you lucky to have him about my pisses me off it would never be said if I was cooking the dinner/doing childcare! I usually resort to saying we are lucky to have each other.

ollieplimsoles Sat 21-Jan-17 23:16:29

Oh this would annoy me no end. I do all the cooking in our house but make sure dh gets his dues because without him entertaining dd while I do it- it wouldn't get done!

Why the hell are you clearing up??

cordeliavorkosigan Sat 21-Jan-17 23:25:12

Yanbu. He wants to do all this, he should have to do some part of the childcare and much of the resulting cleanup, AND you should have a rule that all praise gets at least some comment about the team effort that went into it . Unless get really does all the workn You're not his kitchen staff or his nanny, never mind the two wrapped into one. I'd have very little patience and would probably make snide comments about it to informal guests and on social media because I'd be so pissed off (not a good thing but I'd end up doing it anyway!)

lorelairoryemily Sat 21-Jan-17 23:28:14

That would bug the shit out of me too, you need to find a way to tell him he's being a bit of an arse

ToastieRoastie Sat 21-Jan-17 23:30:38

My exH did this. His parents used to fall over themselves with praise for the Sunday roast he made them. My parents told me how lucky I was to be married to such a great cook.

However I did all the cooking every other day and not one person said well done to me.

I'm very glad he's an ex now but that's probably a bit extreme for you grin. I would sit him down and talk about how to make cooking and cleaning fairer - point out how many meals you prep and you need acknowledgement and appreciation too.

WalkingDownTheRoad Sat 21-Jan-17 23:32:40


Have you talked to him about it? He's basically doing all the fun bits and getting all the glory but leaving the uncelebrated, unglamorous, unobvious bits to you. Not on at all.

If he does the social media thing again, the next night take an identical picture with you and the kids, strapline 'lovely hugs make doing almost every bedtime bearable' <PA>

Ginger4justice Sat 21-Jan-17 23:35:30

Yup he's an arse. Please tell him. DH is thankfully not like this but did say the other day "it's really hard to cook with DS" like I didn't know! He got a glare.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 21-Jan-17 23:36:45

YANBU, there's an underlying attitude problem. Would he go for couples counselling? Could you film or record him? Maybe he doesnt realise how shit it is to be on the receiving end of it.

SanitysSake Sat 21-Jan-17 23:39:48

Oh god, a glory hunter. I'd be hacked off too.

I'd be saying something to him before I made the mother of all snide remarks in front of him and all the guests.

Go and pour yourself a nice bath/gin/wine (delete as appropriate). Sounds like you bloomin' deserve it!

BitOutOfPractice Sat 21-Jan-17 23:40:13

This would give me the rage too op.

NoTractorsAtTheTable Sat 21-Jan-17 23:44:03

Eugh no, you're a partnership - not a glory hunter and his pit crew.

RedDogsBeg Sat 21-Jan-17 23:44:55

You are most definitely not being unreasonable OP - no call for face slapping with a wet fish.

As to articulating your feelings - be straight and to the point, don't make it emotional or sound like a "It's not fair" rant, just point out calmly and clearly the issues as you have described them here.

You should be a team - it needs both of you working together to make things work smoothly, no one person should receive all the praise and glory, nor should they want to.

Astro55 Sat 21-Jan-17 23:44:57

If he's entertaining - let him shop cook and clean - you grab a drink and get in the bath grin

Ignore shouts for help!! I do - it's annoying -

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 21-Jan-17 23:48:08

YANBU. I was/am like this, but I've learned that you cook round people, they don't creep round the cook. No flambée bollocks, no 30 minute knife honing, wash the pans as you go.

If you diss my gravy though....

haveacupoftea Sat 21-Jan-17 23:53:04

My flatmate used to do this. We'd have people over, i'd cook dinner while she sat on her arse, then when the guests arrived she'd jump in and start plating up angry I havent cooked again since our friends thanked her on Facebook for the fantastic meal and it was me who fucking cooked it.

GrandDesespoir Sat 21-Jan-17 23:54:15

He is a Man Cook. This is how they work.

And no, YANBU.

user1478860582 Sat 21-Jan-17 23:57:57

I do cook quite a bit, both entertaining and midweek meals. I've also just refitted the kitchen to fit my needs. In all fairness though my wife hates cooking so as long as she can make a coffee she's happy!

But, when it comes to the entertaining and we serve up I always tell everyone my wife cooked it. I hate all the gushing. I think most people now know it's me, but we still pretend it's her. Embarrassing though when someone asks how she cooked something!

I start catering college in September (career change .... I can't wait). I suppose I'll have to come clean then!!

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