DD is already planning what school her children will go to, etc. Please help! She's only 17!! AIBU to think it's a bit concerning?(63 Posts)
DD is 17 and is a smart girl, doing A-levels and works for a small animal shelter. She doesn't have many friends though, maybe 1 or 2 and seriously hates having to meet up with them, if she has agreed to go somewhere, all I hear is "oh, I have that tomorrow, how annoying" and I'm there thinking how it's supposed to be fun! She doesn't particularly enjoy her age group. She gets on well with her work colleagues (who are older) but still wouldn't ever meet them outside work. She works hard on homework and makes sure everything is done, helps around the house and I could really ask for more, but I'm worried about her.
Can I just say, I'm not concerned that she's going to become a young mum, there is no way, she says full well that she doesn't want to be a mum right now. However, she has this book (that she happily shares with us all) about her future plans. When I first heard of it, I was expected little goals she wants to reach, etc. Oh no, it's full of child's full names, including how she wants the surname, what's schools she will consider, what clubs she will start them in, it's very detailed and a bit... odd? I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to offend her, but I'm really not understanding it. I appreciate some girls like to plan baby names and weddings, I did! But it's how she has the cost of clubs they will attend (swimming) etc.
Could someone please tell me if this is a form of OCD? It wouldn't surprise me as she was having CBT when she was 12 for something different, but still obsessive.
She writes down the cost of school uniform (and where she will get it), where their hair will be cut, how much shopping will be, it actually really upsets me because it's like her life is just being wasted doing all this unneeded planning, she shouldn't be doing it at her age.
Any advice would be amazing, thanks ever so much.
I think you are over thinking it
I was dreaming of my kids when I was young, what they were going to be called and what school they were going to
Yes it does seem odd, and I can understand why it upsets you, it's not really living in the 'now'.
Have you asked her why she wants to write these things down ??
Hang on, missed the bit where she writing prices of uniform etc
Yes that's a bit odd..
Did you write down the cost of things? How much their school uniform, etc. will cost? Sorry, I never knew it was 'the norm' I'm really pleased it is actually. It's just something I never dreamt of doing, let alone spending hours a day researching.
I have no advice unfortunately but I agree it's really rather odd. I'm not sure if it's ocd but could be a symptom of some kind of disorder. Has her school ever raised any concerns?
No, school have no concerns but they know nothing about this, I don't think. I have no issue with having a child who isn't 'the norm' or a bit 'different' but it's not that, is it? It's just concerning.
I think you're right about the ocd/ previous issues, is there anything else she does that's concerning? It's sad she doesn't like socialising with her friends
I'd be worried tbh and possibly contact the school for support and advice
I don't think it's the norm but that doesn't mean you have to be concerned, just remind her things don't always go to plan in a positive way.
Plus inflation will affect cost of clubs and uniforms anyway...
The only thing that would concern me is if she got a boyfriend and decided he was The One. Until then, she's only 17 plenty of time to daydream.
I went through a phase a bit like that when I was her age, including looking at what kinds of job I could get and what salary they have, how much kids' activities cost, what areas of the country/other countries have good living conditions, etc. I didn't make it as "personal" with names or what clubs they would actually do, but I expect my mum would have found it a bit odd if she'd seen. I think it was just a way of knowing that I could cope with adulthood, and seeing how much things cost in the real world, to kind of calm my nerves about growing up.
Does she dislike seeing her friends or going out with them (more like social anxiety/unknown place kind of thing)?
I think rather than OCD, there is a possibility of Asperger's.
Anyway, it sounds like she enjoys the planning .
Could it be a form of anxiety, that she is trying to distract herself from the demands of today by creating imaginary (and hence safer) demands from tomorrow?
It does sound a bit odd it is very detailed does she list other things ? Do you talk to her about it maybe say you need to have a dad for these children etc
I did actually do something similar. I looked at flat prices and council tax and ofsted reports in cities I had no plans to live in when I was 16 or so. I knew about how O was going to dye my hair brown and wear knee length boots when I was a mum. I even bought that fairy lights for my pretend kitchen. Just escapism really and a more sophisticated way of playing at being a grown ups than very little girls. I wouldn't worry.
You do hear about girls planning their wedding having binders and lists etc all planned even before there is somebody to marry
I did similar. My book had drawings of my wedding dress, list of attributes my future husband would have, jobs, flat mates (from my current friend and family), who would obv move with me wherever I went, jobs, career plan with salaries. How many children with names but not uniform/haircuts etc
I think it was about control over the uncertainty of my future. More about anxiety than OCD although I had traits of both as a teen.
I don't know. When I was about her age, one of my favourite activities was imagining I was about to have a baby and has £X amount to spend on supplies for it. I would then go through the Argos catalogue, painstakingly adding up my purchases and realising that if, e.g., I wanted a particular pram, I couldn't also get the car seat I wanted. Seemed perfectly normal to me at the time, but sounds a bit odd now! I am NT BTW. I just enjoyed it as an more grown up way of playing babies, I think.
I don't think it's that odd. I remember drawing my wedding dress thinking of baby names etc (Jasmine for a girl)
I had DD at 35. I didn't go with Jasmine in the end...
I don't think it's an issue, I don't think she's imminently planning of having children, she's just dreaming of when she's older. At her age I think I said no DC will go to a standard nursery, views about being a SAHM, all sorts.
You don't want to make a fuss, what if she finds herself in that situation, you want to be approachable.
She sounds like a really lovely girl, so well done for a start. I think some of the replies you have had about it being a safer way to think about growing up are probably right. My dad is 22 and has been planning the life she wants her future children to have for years, but has no plans to settle down yet. She also struggles with friends which concerns me. Your dd is still very young so I wouldn't be overly concerned.
Maybe it is just a teen way of playing house and not that odd if pp did similar. I Wouldn't worry about not going out with her friends Dd is 19 nearly and isnt that interested in going out that much
Actually my dsd was also planning for kids, she is married now and still not ready for them. Both dd and DSD are fascinated by the teen mum series, and its very popular so they can be alone in thinking like this.
I had a book full of long terrible poems about (imaginary) heartbreak, songs I'd written about boys I LOVED but didn't talk to irl, drew pictures mostly of dragons, and generally had this complete other imaginary life. In your daughter's case the escapism takes on rather more concrete forms but I think its actually not odd for a shy imaginative older teen to dwell in a fantasy.
I did a bit yes. How I would buy a flat, meet a good, successful man, have a career, children, beautiful house. Set myself milestones and how I was going to do it. I call it ambition and being sensible. Having a plan served me quite well . Good luck to her. Come to think of it my local friends who couldn't see further than the next scummy town and their Chelsea Girl didn't do it for me either.
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