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AIBU To insist on a second child

(144 Posts)
Yellowpear Sat 21-Jan-17 14:03:08

Dd is 6. I have wanted DC2 for four years now but DH has not been so keen. He says he hypothetically wouldn't mind but first he wanted to buy a house, then it was a career change, then our wedding. I had a long chat with him before the wedding explaining how important it was to me that we try for a baby this year (because he bloody said we should!). Dd is getting older and I don't want to wait any longer. He agreed but after the wedding changed his mind and said 'in the new year'. It's now the new year and he is avoiding me, coming to bed at a different time and our sex life has dwindled to almost nill. He initiated it this morning, lasted all of 15 seconds and then withdrew at the vital moment.
I feel cheated. If he had been honest and said no more DC four years ago I could have decided to live with it or left him. Before dd we had agreed on 2 children so none of this was a surprise to him. I think he's misled me and don't know what to say when we discuss this (fight) later. I want him to be honest with me but he keeps on saying we will try 'soon'
I feel used and irrationally humiliated about what happend this morning. AIBU to not have sex with him at all until he gives me an honest answer about ttc.

AlreadyGone Sat 21-Jan-17 14:10:27

I don't be think feeling humiliated this morning was irrational.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to 'insist' on a second baby. But I do think it would be unwise to talk him in to it and delay the inevitable fall out.

I also don't think it would be unreasonable to leave him. I'm not a lawyer but I suspect you might have grounds for annulling the marriage.

At best he has been unable to be honest with both himself and you. At worst he has lied to you and tricked you in to marriage under circumstances you were very clear you didn't want.

You need to ask him tonight. Why he doesn't want a 2nd (because that much is clear). When did he know? Why did he mislead you? And when is he going to packs his bags.

Try not to let rip until you've got the answers you need.


SingingSilver Sat 21-Jan-17 14:13:38

MN forum is generally against using sex as a weapon. However if you don't want to have sex with him then you absolutely shouldn't.

Tell him that you need to talk about having a second child and that it's the new year now, and you need a yes/no answer. Then decide how to proceed from there. If he fudges the issue again, take it as a 'no'. Then you can decide what you want to do.

ohfourfoxache Sat 21-Jan-17 14:17:51

It is extremely unreasonable for him to keep changing the goal posts like that. I'm afraid I'd be seriously considering my future with a man like that sad

Fireandflames666 Sat 21-Jan-17 14:20:48

My boyfriend did this for many years, as soon as i mentioned babies he full on avoided sex for months.

He needs to be honest, because he's just keeping you hanging on with false hope.

yorkshapudding Sat 21-Jan-17 14:21:06

He clearly does not want another baby. Whilst you say he has told you that he wouldn't mind one "hypothetically" speaking, his actions are showing you that he does mind. He should have the courage (and indeed the respect) to tell you outright that he doesn't want a second rather than constantly pushing back these self imposed deadlines or avoiding sex. But maybe he's worried that if he tells you the truth you'll choose to leave?

YANBU to be deeply upset. YANBU to be angry with him for not having the guts to tell you how he really feels. However, you really would be unreasonable to "insist" on a second baby. That's a decision that both parties need to be comfortable with and however much of a twat he has been it's not ok to pressure him into having a baby he clearly doesn't want. It's not fair on the baby apart form anything else!

You need to sit him down and ask him why he doesn't want a second. Because he obviously doesn't. Listen to his reasons, they may be perfectly valid. But then tell him how damaging his stringing you along for years has been and that he needs to start being honest with you. Only you can decide what happens after that.

Yellowpear Sat 21-Jan-17 15:40:53

I'm getting angrier about this all tbh. PPs are absolutely right that it's blatantly clear he doesn't want DC2. Not sure why I've been so passive in all this. Just cannot comprehend why we have bothered to spend the last 4 years knitting our lives together when he must know they are about to be ripped apart when he finally tells me he's been lying to me for half a decade.
Apologies for drip feeding but this has been a pattern in our relationship. 12 years in and he has never once pushed to move our relationship forward. Took him 10 years to propose despite me trying to have grown up conversations with him about it and feeling like a twat for waiting around to be asked. I would go along the lines of he just doesn't love me that much but that doesn't fit with what he says and acts day to day and the fact that he's stuck around for so long.

Right now I mostly just want him out my house. I'm gutted.

haveacupoftea Sat 21-Jan-17 15:48:21

I think you are being way OTT. The pattern so far sounds like he does do things in his own time. And he wont be rushed. That doesnt mean he doesnt love you, or wont ever be ready. Yes it is frustrating, and life would be perfect if you wanted the same things at the same time. But you are married and all you can do is ask the man to tell you honestly what is holding him back rather than imposing deadlines and trying to force your own timeline.

GimmeeMoore Sat 21-Jan-17 15:51:27

I get you want another child.he clearly doesn't.why have a baby with reluctant DP
I'm afraid I'd advise not to have a baby with a child who doesn't want another baby
In fairness you know what he's like,you know he's plodded along needed you to cajole him into marriage
you are married it's a joint and shared house.its his too.and if a man were saying right now I mostly just want her out my house there'd be uproar, and advice to sit tight
If you're withholding sex,you'll never get pg so cannot see how that's a useful strategy

Klaphat Sat 21-Jan-17 16:04:33

If you're withholding sex,you'll never get pg so cannot see how that's a useful strategy

It's not the default to have sex with someone unless you have a good enough reason not to. Even if you're in a relationship with them.

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:06:25

If you're withholding sex,you'll never get pg so cannot see how that's a useful strategy well he's pulling out so its unlikely to happen anyway.

OP how old are you? Because I think that does make a difference on the delay tactics.
We have one, I really want to try for a second in the summer, dh is still on no but at 35 I know the clock is literally ticking down to zero. If I was 25 I'd probably be more patient. At last he's very honst about no tho.

If you leave on the hope of a second child, is it feasible you .eetong someone else and getting to the right time quick enough? Or would you be splitting up be auae he strung you along?


GimmeeMoore Sat 21-Jan-17 16:08:27

Her post is about desire to get pg.she'll not get pg by withholding sex.
So as a strategy,reaction whatever, the op desire to get pg won't happen
And if things are that bad I'd not recommend another baby in a strained marriage

ohfourfoxache Sat 21-Jan-17 16:13:18

Just to build on Momma's post a little, whether it is a desire to have another child or because he's strung you along, both are valid reasons to leave him. I'm not saying that's what you should do - that decision is for you and you alone - but both are perfectly reasonable reasons.

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:14:41

What's the difference between withholding sex a and not having sex cos you don't want to? Op is pissed at DH. Even if they were trying to get pregnant, I'd doubt shed be up for it. Shea not wotholdong as a punishment, she's not having sex with the guy who's pissed her off

Blossomdeary Sat 21-Jan-17 16:24:29

It really does sound as if having another child is not for him - but he does need to be straight about this - he is stringing you along.

He is fully entitled to have a different view from you, but as your husband, he needs to be sharing that with you and not playing games with you.

I think you must sit him down pdq and make him hold a reasonable conversation about this......."I am beginning to think that you do not want a second child - am I right? - can you tell me your reasons? - I feel hurt that you have not been honest about this before - I am not prepared to be dangled on a string with this any more; I need a straight answer so I know where I stand etc...."

What you do next if he really does feel unhappy about the idea of a second child is going to depend on whether you love him enough for his view to prevail; what you gauge the damage to your existing DC to be if the marriage breaks up etc.

I am sorry that you are caught in this uncomfortable situation.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 21-Jan-17 16:31:33

you need to have an open discussion (not fight with him), giving him the benefit of the doubt it may be he did/does want a dc2 but hasn't felt the time right (financially/career/is more overwhelmed by being a parent than he first thought) or he has changed him mind recently and doesn't know how to tell you as he is aware you will be disappointed/angry.

He, any potential parent to be, is allowed to change their mind at any time (before conception!) and that has to be respected as much as your desire to have a dc2 should be respected too.

Once you sit down and talk (not argue) to find out the facts, if he doesn't want a dc2 you can then decide if dc2 is more important to you than your dh/marriage/family. No person should be pushed into having a child they don't really want.

GimmeeMoore Sat 21-Jan-17 16:38:28

Op and her dh need to have a candid conversation what they want,how this resolves
Her dh can't be compelled to have another baby,irrespective of what op want
An unwanted or resented baby will strain the marriage,and impact on the three of them e.g. Op,dh and their dd

scottishdiem Sat 21-Jan-17 16:38:57

How were things after DD was born? Was it easy? Was it a struggle with things like sleeping? Did you have PND?

Basically, was there something about that experience he did not like and does not want to go through again? That maybe one of the reasons he doesnt want another. Withholding sex is up to you.

I would say that insisting on a second child is not the way forward because it becomes your child alone, not his. Instead you should decide if a second is what you really want and if it is, you should ask him if he does or does not want one and then decide to leave to find that partner that will given you DC2.

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:42:52

Shes not withholding sex, she's not having sex with someone she doesnt want to have sex with. Withholding it implies she dishes it out as a reward for compliance, an incentive for better behavioir, as an end of year bonus.

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:43:30

Ignore typos, wobbly bus

SheldonCRules Sat 21-Jan-17 16:49:51

Withholding sex because you can't get what you want is silly and childish.

It sounds like you have pressured him into lots because you want it, not because it was a joint decision.

Maybe he's had enough of being controlled and told what to do. He has every right to not want another child.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sat 21-Jan-17 16:53:18

Sounds like he's been leading you on with no intention of having DC2. You need to have a proper conversation about this - I know it's hard, but try to be non-confrontational and stick to the facts: "you said you wanted another DC, then said to wait till x, then wanted to wait again - what's going on?".

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:53:26

So she should have sex with him even tho she's upset because they're married? He has needs?? Seriously???

You have sex because you want to and currently like the person he is.

MommaGee Sat 21-Jan-17 16:55:24

It sounds like you have pressured him into lots because you want it, not because it was a joint decision.

Where has OP posted anything to suggest this? DH said yes, we can have another baby soon, let's get married first. So OP did. He's now sayobg no yet again, but in a keep her hanging on way not an actual no. Hef be kinder to just say no, never

1DAD2KIDS Sat 21-Jan-17 16:55:43

This is a sad one. You both have the right to do with your bodies whatever you want regardless of previous agreements. You have the right to refuse sex. He has the right to refuse sex or refuse sex without contraception. That is both your rights over your bodies and it trumps any prior agreement. To a certain extent the refusal of sex on grounds of him not giving you a baby rather than not wanting sex could be viewed as coercive and somewhat abusive tool of control. Sure your body is your domain (rightfully so) but you are using it as a weapon of control/coercion. How ever you view it is not the sign of healthy relationship. What if he does not fold to the demands of your sex ban? Where does that leave you both? What is your intention if he doesn't provide you with what you want? It is sad that to a certain extent you have been miss sold a marriage on grounds of another child. But rights to our bodies trump agreements.

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