Just over 10years ago I finished a four year relationship with a narcissistic, arrogant and extremely vain individual. He had some good points of course but these seemed to diminish as the relationship went on. He had the ability to make me feel awful about myself, awful about the way I looked, my weight, my figure, the way I spoke, the things I found important, etc. He constantly criticized me and used to say it was his job 'to keep me grounded and make sure I didn't get above myself' which translated as ensuring I had zero confidence. Then I was a nice size 10, and actually when I look back at photos I think I looked pretty good! I left him in the end as I felt he was destroying me and holding me back (he wouldn't allow me to pursue studying). Fast forward to now, I am very, very happy with my life. I'm married to the most wonderful man, we have two beautiful children, I pursued my dream job after I left ex and alongside this got a PhD and now am quite senior in my field. I have however gained some weight and do look older of course (made worse by two children who seem to be allergic to sleep!). But I am comfortable with me and who I am.
I bumped into ex today, I'd literally thrown on warm baggy clothes to take my boys out, I had brushed hair at least but no make up, but I felt comfortable. I saw him and it was as if ten years of confidence building melted away. He was with a much younger woman (he's mid 40s now (he was quite a bit older than me!)) and she must have been early 20s. Very beautiful girl and they had a very young baby with them. He said hello but literally looked me up and down with disgust. He said 'I'd changed a lot', I commented on their beautiful baby and honest to god his response was 'yes and doesn't xx [his girlfriend] look fantastic when the baby is only 8 weeks old'. I just felt suddenly frumpy, ugly, fat (I'm now a size 14) and just wanted to get out of there.
I'm so cross with myself, but still feel like crying. In all logic this man is quite frankly an arsehol (and I don't like swearing!), I have everything that matters in life, I have a great life... why oh why can someone drag me down so much on superficial judgments which don't matter!!!
Ds1 must have picked up on it as we walked off he said 'that man didn't seem like a very kind man'. I was literally holding back my tears.
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So annoyed at myself - I still allow him to make me feel AWFUL about myself! Someone please come and talk some sense into me!
37 replies
ChaffinchGreen · 21/01/2017 13:58
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