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Is this much of a life for me?

(17 Posts)
user1484997816 Sat 21-Jan-17 11:29:12

I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 3 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.

His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays now. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).

I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.

I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.

My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..

Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.

My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?

Thanks in advance

SanitysSake Sat 21-Jan-17 11:36:38

I think there's little point in his DS being there, if his father is working all weekend. I would be re-jigging the visiting schedule with the mother if the father is not prepared to.

It is his child after all - not yours. Besides, it sounds like the ex has lovely long weekends off, your partner is getting the break he needs, whilst he's at work and you're on it 24/7.

The balance isn't right. Stick up for yourself, my love, it's not fair.

EmeraldScorn Sat 21-Jan-17 11:53:41

You are not being unreasonable.

You're a young mum (I wish I was 21 again) and you should be enjoying these years of your daughter being small.

It's lovely that you have built a good relationship with your partner's son and I don't think you should lose that but your partner is knowingly taking the piss - He fucks off to work whilst you sit in the house playing Nanny McPhee to both of his children, one of whom isn't your responsibility.

As another poster advised, you need to stick up for yourself and not let your partner dictate to you.

I know you said your partner takes the car for work but can you drive? If yes then I'd be telling him that one day a week he will need to make other arrangements for work (he could use public transport one day, it won't kill him) to allow you use of the car and that way you will have something to look forward to and some freedom, instead of feeling trapped at home.

Could you also look into local activities to see if there are any mummy/toddlers groups nearby, that would maybe split the time up a bit and make you feel less lonely.

The next time that you talk to your partner about it, don't ask, just tell - Tell him how it will be and if he doesn't like it he can make alternative arrangements for his son.

The poor lad isn't actually spending any time with his dad, that is wrong.

Chloe84 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:07:54

This is wrong on so many levels.

You are effectively free childcare
The ex doesn't see her DS on weekends ever
DP doesn't see his son on weekends (just Friday evenings)

What days does your DP have off? Couldn't he have his son on those days?

user1484997816 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:21:09

Thanks for your replies.
It is always good to see it from different perspectives and I think I know deep down I am being used as a live in nanny right now and it is miserable.

His DS lives quite far so by the time DP picks him up from school it would be too late. His ex works weekends aswell so it is almost like they are both relying on me for weekend childcare. If I tell him to sort something else out he will accuse me of disliking his son which is really hurtful because I don't dislike any child especially one who I spend alot of time with. It will also be my fault that my partner doesn't get to see his son if I ask him to arrange alternatives for the weekend. Just feel stuck in abit of a rut

lelapaletute Sat 21-Jan-17 12:25:38

The whole point of the boy visiting is to see and spend time with his father. If his father isn't even there, it's utterly pointless him being there. It's great you and he get on, but that isn't the point is it?

Why is the father happy to keep these days when he doesn't get to see or spend time with his son? How engaged a father is he when he is around?

I'm suspicious he just wants to keep up access to spire his ex partner, but isn't actually that bothered about his son.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 21-Jan-17 12:26:13

This isn't fair on any level OP.
You need to sit down with your DP, and have it out.
Also, don't bother traipsing to the hairdressers, his DM can take him through the week, you have enough on your plate.
You must stand up for yourself Lovely, make your case known.

lexi873 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:31:40

I agree, this isn't a fair arrangement.
His ex is lucky to get every weekend to herself! My kids go to their dads either a Friday or Saturday night, or every other weekend for the whole weekend, not the whole lot.
Should definitely have a change to the arrangements now that he's taken on a new job, what would he do with his DS if you had plans one time, he can't rely on you every single weekend he's being selfish.

Coconut0il Sat 21-Jan-17 12:37:42

Sounds like it's a very difficult situation. My first thought would be to change the days his DS is there. Even alternate weekends would be better. If this isn't an option I would be looking at a small car for yourself or could DP find an alternative way to get to work? I don't think the weekends would seem so bad if you could get out and about a bit.

Blackbird82 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:37:56

Wow, no this situation is not fair at all. You sound like a really decent person who is being thoroughly taken advantage of.

I can't believe your partners response is to accuse you of not liking his son. That really takes the piss. I suggest you calmly explain to him again that whilst you have a great relationship with HIS child, you are not responsible for his care every weekend. If you weren't in the picture what would happen then? They would have to make alternative arrangements, but they won't at the moment because they both think that they can make unreasonable demands of you.

Perhaps you should arrange to go away next weekend with your DD, to your parents, a friends, a hotel? Give them a shock, it sounds like they need one....

NavyandWhite Sat 21-Jan-17 12:41:38

Sounds very hard for you OP and it doesn't seem fair on the DC either.

The Ds isn't even seeing his dad much so there's little point of him being there.

Have you suggested cutting down contact to twice a month so then at least you have two weekends with just DD?

caz323 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:51:05

Bless you, OP, you come across as a lovely young lady and mum. No wonder you feel miserable - you are being used. You try to have a reasonable discussion with DP and all he does is jump down your throat?? He is the extremely unreasonable one, not you. I'll refrain from swearing at him, but it's difficult! Everything about this is wrong and I really hope you can stand up to him and get alternative arrangements made. So unfair you!

caz323 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:58:09

And ps: I wouldn't bother with the hair cut either. You are stuck at home because he's got the car. Why should you have to walk a fair distance in the cold?? So unfair! Rant over! (And I still didn't swear!)

caz323 Sat 21-Jan-17 13:01:11

And now I will bloody swear - I obviously meant so unfair ON you!!

yorkshapudding Sat 21-Jan-17 13:10:51

There is no way I would put up with this. It's clear from your posts that you are more than willing to be an involved and loving step-parent to this little boy. But the current situation means you are essentially being used as unpaid weekend childcare, with neither biological parent taking any responsibility.

You are already studying, working PT and looking after your DD during the week. You are entitled to some time to yourself. Your DD is entitled some 1 on 1 time with you and your DSS is entitled to some quality time with his Father. The current arrangement does not allow for any of this to happen. Presumably your DP has days off in the week if he's working all weekend, every weekend. What does he do on those days? He needs to use those days to spend time with his DS or he needs to request flexible working/start looking for alternative employment. Or DP and his Ex need to pay for childcare.

If they weren't willing to do any of those things then ,in your position, I would seriously be considering my options as this isnt something I could live with.

Halle71 Sat 21-Jan-17 13:25:06

Presumably this arrangement was decided when his ex worked weekends and he didn't so it worked for everyone, but now it clearly does not.
It now works for his ex still but no one else - DS doesn't see his dad, DH doesn't see his son, you have become an unpaid childminder. If I was the ex I wouldn't want someone else looking after my son for two whole days every week so I would guess she's only doing this because she has no one else while she works.

As they both work weekends the fairest option is that DS alternates weekends. Still not fair on you but better.

The current situation is not sustainable.

Halle71 Sat 21-Jan-17 13:27:12

Oh, and def no haircut.
Not your responsibility OP.
His mother can do that during the week and she is just being a bitch if she's mandated this yet knows DH can't do it.

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