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To want to drive past my lovers house to see if his car is there ?

(13 Posts)
oldschooloon Sat 21-Jan-17 05:10:11

Been dating a lovely man for nearly 6 months , but he remains great friends with his exe , they split two years ago after the relationship had been merely platonic for the second ten years they were together . He hasn't told her about me , they have lots of shared friends , none of whom I have met . He has met my kids and my best friend , we spend a lot of time together , but he's clearly hung up on me getting anywhere near that side of his life and it feels like there are three people in this relationship at times . He won't answer her calls when I'm at his house , he's also said he doubts she'll find anyone else . I have no reason to seriously suspect he's still intimate with her , he's openly affectionate in front of passing neighbours etc .. Hand holding walking up the road and stuff ... But , I think he took her out last night , as friends maybe ... But I'm awake , have been for hours , wondering if he stayed over , feeling a bit mental . Been cheated on a lot in the past .

JustGettingStarted Sat 21-Jan-17 05:14:17

Even if his car is there, you'll still feel the same. I suppose if it's not there, you'll know. But either way, you won't be able to be happy until you end the relationship.

TheStoic Sat 21-Jan-17 05:19:34

Doesn't really matter what he is or isn't doing.

Do you want to be the kind of person that drives around checking up on her boyfriend?

oldschooloon Sat 21-Jan-17 05:22:52

No , I don't want to be that person , but I don't want to be lied to and feel like a mistress rather than a partner either .

SuffolkingGrand Sat 21-Jan-17 05:23:45

Don't suppose actually talking to him might be an option for you, OP??

'Cos as you're no doubt aware, driving around to check up on him is bordering on the obsessive and could end up landing you with form for stalking and/or harassment.

TheStoic Sat 21-Jan-17 05:27:12

No , I don't want to be that person , but I don't want to be lied to and feel like a mistress rather than a partner either.

Nobody does. Tell him specifically how his behaviour affects you - and that if he doesn't adjust it, you'll move on and find someone else.

londonrach Sat 21-Jan-17 05:27:45

Sorry but if you have to drive to check if a car if on the driveway, theres something wrong, be it with the relationship or you have trust issues etc. If either case you need to question if you should be in this relationship. Sounds like you not ready for a relationship. You need to be happy within yourself first. Good luck op.

oldschooloon Sat 21-Jan-17 05:33:53

It's the elephant in the room sometimes , he's cagey with his phone too ... I think he feels very protective of her , and that when she learns he's with someone new she'll pull away . He was public with his last gf before me , he started seeing her after this loooong term thing ended ... I've wondered if the friendship they established as they split suffered during that time and he's trying to keep a line between her and his newer relationship. I don't want to stalk him , I'm not a nutter . And in reality , if he did stay over it'd be far more likely he'd occasionally using her spare room to crash than anything else . He's very devoted to me , and we're very close , it's my issue that I don't talk to him about this but I guess this is my red flag , I don't drive over ... But talk to him later . Anxiety is a motherfucker . confusedblush

DeathStare Sat 21-Jan-17 05:46:12

Don't drive round there. Firstly because it makes you look stalky even if you're not.

But secondly because nothing you can see from the car can tell you anything. If his car is outside, what then? She could still be in his bed (hypothetically). And if it isn't outside and you ask him about it, he's not likely to tell you the truth if there is something untoward going on. So he could say he stayed at a friend's or left it in town, had a drink and got a taxi, or something similar. (And by asking you'd have to admit you'd driven past his house just to check) And any of those reasons could equally be true. If there is another car outside the house as well as his it could as easily belong to a friend as his ex. Driving past the house isn't going to tell you anything at all.

Instead you need to have a proper conversation with him about why he doesn't tell his ex about you and how that makes you feel. And then when you have his response see whether you still want to be in this relationship

oldschooloon Sat 21-Jan-17 05:51:26

Yeah , you're right . I knew it really , night hours is a bad time for screwy thinking . This issue is the only one but it keeps rising up , I have massive anxiety about this relationship sometimes because it's so perfect in every other way . He'd be deeply unimpressed if I drive past his house , as I would be were the shoe on the other foot . I'll talk to him tonight .

AllTheBabies Sat 21-Jan-17 06:27:01

It may be the only issue in your relationship but it is a massive one. You have shared your life with him and he is actively excluding you from his whilst all time putting his ex girlfriends feelings above yours.

I would cut him loose to be honest. It is messing with your head and that is not fair.

languagelearner Sat 21-Jan-17 06:41:56

If you're older than 17, I advise not to do it...

justnippingin Sat 21-Jan-17 07:36:01

Just to give you an insight from the ex's perspective. I was with XH for 18 years, from being very young, married for 5 years, then divorced in 2002. We remain good friends, I'm guessing similar to what you describe your partner has with his ex. I don't know that he would hide me from any of his partners but over the years I've not met any of them, so perhaps he would / does. I have no wish to rekindle any relationship with him, none at all but I do care about him and am very fond of him but I would pose no threat what so ever to any of his partners.....so perhaps your DP's ex feels the same.

Anyhow hope things are ok today for you.

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