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To tell a friend this is a very bad idea...

(30 Posts)
BantyCustards Fri 20-Jan-17 16:20:08

A friend of mine who recently separated from her DH (very rocky relationship with DV involved) has admitted to me that their child was conceived without her STBX's consent/knowledge.
She's thinking of telling STBX - mainly I think because she's angry with him.

She's a grown up and has to make her own choices but I want to tell her I think it's a bad idea and will only inflame things further.


GeillisTheWitch Fri 20-Jan-17 16:22:20

I don't understand, is the child born or has she just found out she's pregnant? If he knows about the child he must already know it was conceived without his consent?

BastardGoDarkly Fri 20-Jan-17 16:22:20

It sounds like a terrible idea, and I'd tell my friend that, but tbh this whole relationship sounds completely fucked up.

Soubriquet Fri 20-Jan-17 16:23:37

Unless she wants to piss him off and wind him up of course it's a bad idea

But the baby was conceived with knowledge and consent...they had sex didn't they? Not like she milked him for his sperm and then AI it is it?

CatsRidingRollercoasters Fri 20-Jan-17 16:23:53

She sounds very immature.

WallisFrizz Fri 20-Jan-17 16:24:13

I don't get it either.

Magzmarsh Fri 20-Jan-17 16:25:05

What? confused

BantyCustards Fri 20-Jan-17 16:27:02

She didn't take her contraception but allowed him to believe she did but that it 'failed'. Child is 9 now - I say it's water under the bridge and given his level of abuse she's just asking for trouble.

Sonders Fri 20-Jan-17 16:28:03

Ohhhhhh I had no idea from your OP. Yeah, telling him would be bloody stupid

MadMags Fri 20-Jan-17 16:29:06

Well, I'd imagine 9 years later his response would be "so fucking what". Or is she trying to get her ex to turn against his child?

Tell her to grow up. Seriously. hmm

Magzmarsh Fri 20-Jan-17 16:29:29

Oh right. Sounds like a terrible idea and specifically designed to damage her ex's relationship with their child. No good can come of it.

Floggingmolly Fri 20-Jan-17 16:30:11

She sounds a bit half witted.

BantyCustards Fri 20-Jan-17 16:53:24

I think she isn't thinking straight at all. Yes, what she did was wrong and I also feel that he should have taken responsibility for his own fertility - she's taken a serious kicking emotionally from him and has been left emotionally broken (he's seriously not a nice person). I think what she's trying to do is regain some semblance of control - I feel what will actually happen is that she's just giving him more rope to hang her with.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 20-Jan-17 16:57:06

I assume she wants to tell him this to punish him. He won't care and I suspect the person that will end up by being hurt from this "relevation" will end up being the 9 year old child!

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 20-Jan-17 16:57:26


PollytheDolly Fri 20-Jan-17 16:57:41

He is on a need to know basis now.....

And he doesn't need to know that.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Fri 20-Jan-17 16:58:59

Bad idea. Really bad idea.

Barefootcontessa84 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:00:05

Ultimately, she shouldn't be dragging her child in any shape or form into the divorce proceedings - whatever effect it might have on him or her. Tell her to grow up and not use her child to regain whatever control she perceives this will give her.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 20-Jan-17 17:06:10

She really hasn't thought this through!

YANBU and I would definitely tell her to NOT DO THIS. What is she trying to achieve? A sense of power, in that in this matter she got what she wanted whereas in every other respect he got what he wanted? It will not play out that way. If DV was involved then he is abusive, and he will USE this information to abuse her further. And how better to abuse her than to punish the child, the one thing she loved enough to 'disobey' him for?

Ask her if she wants to completely screw over her son, because he's the one who's going to end up with a dad telling him he never wanted him, and worse.

She needs to think about this.

diddl Fri 20-Jan-17 17:14:57

So she's angry with him & thinks that saying "hahaha-tricked you" will achieve what?

BantyCustards Fri 20-Jan-17 17:18:05

I agree.

I understand in part where she's coming from - he has been an utter shit to her and her self esteem is in the toilet - but either way he's going to end up using this against her. He's already making noises about having her child removed in her based on mental health issues that have, from what I can see, have been entirely caused by him.

She's just opening herself up to attack, isn't she?

Strongmummy Fri 20-Jan-17 17:19:08

She sounds very hurt, angry and is not thinking rationally. I think you owe it to her to help her navigate a more rational path

toptoe Fri 20-Jan-17 17:27:04

Yep, using the child to get revenge is a low blow. He's 9 and old enough to hear the convo too - about how perhaps his dad didn't want him, how his mum tricked him. It's the start of his life and not some weapon to be used by one parent against the other.

Suggest she reduces contact to minimum re. about pick up/drop off times.

User1234567891011 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:35:32

So she wants to admit to him that she sexually assaulted him? This is a case of sex by deception - she led him to believe she was using birth control, if he wouldn't have sex with her if she wasn't and she lied that she was this is a sex crime.

Men have been convicted for having sex with women who would only have sex using a condom and then the guy hasn't used one. Its the same thing.

dollydaydream114 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:38:04

Why on earth would she want to make an already awful situation worse?

She is behaving like a child.

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