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To not want biological dad involved

(174 Posts)
BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 16:16:27

My son is 18 mnths old. Split with his dad before he was born and the only contact weve had since is when he visited us when he was a newborn to question his paternity and tell me no one would ever want me with a mixed race child!
Anyway now ive moved with my son an hour and a half away with my fiance. My fiance and i are marrying July 2018 and he plans to adopt my son. However ive heard from a good friend my ex is sniffing around and isnt happy i moved without telling him. Hes the type to cause trouble aibu to not want him involved in our lives?

phoeb3 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:17:41

Yanbu to want that but he has rights

OurBlanche Fri 20-Jan-17 16:19:33

Push through with the adoption. Get good legal advice and support, weather his bullshit just the once, no matter whow many months he drags it out to.

Then you can ignoire him!

Gooseygoosey12345 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:22:30

Is the dad on the birth cert? Just because your fiancé won't be able to adopt him without his permission if so

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 16:25:02

He is on the birth certificate but hes questioned paternity from day one

Sonders Fri 20-Jan-17 16:31:24

YANBU to not want him to be involved. He in NBU to want to be involved.

YABU to prevent a healthy happy relationship between your DS and his Bio dad if one is possible, even if it's not what you want.

It sounds like a healthy happy relationship isn't possible though :P

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 16:33:38

He just doesnt want me to move on. I doubt he cares about his child

TheNaze73 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:36:06

It won't be a walk in the park getting your new bloke to be his adopted father, if the biological father is on the BC

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 16:42:29

sad

neonrainbow Fri 20-Jan-17 16:45:55

The word you're looking for is "dad" not biological dad. Did he have good reason to suspect why the child might not be his? Did you cheat on him for example? You can't stand in the way of your son having a relationship with his dad just because it doesnt fit with you playing happy families. Your new bloke can't adopt someone elses child without their permission either.

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 16:48:23

Neon hes just not a nice person. Hes never bought my son anything. Hes seen him once in 18 months. He was abusive to me when my son was a newborn and said disgusting things to me. I actually need to protect my son hes my priority

Mimicat44 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:52:27

Neon your tone is very nasty. No dad is better than an abusive, uncaring dad. Op I wish you luck

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 17:08:10

Thanks mimi

LivingOnTheDancefloor Fri 20-Jan-17 17:12:27

It is a difficult one, because he clearly said he didn't want anything to do with the DC I would be tempted to say you have a point.
However, if you wanted to claim maintenance money from him you would be allowed because even if he doesn't want anything to do with his DC it is still his. Therefore it has to go both ways, you can't deny him of his rights the same way the he couldn't refuse to pay maintenance.

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 17:14:02

He doesnt pay maintenance

OhhBetty Fri 20-Jan-17 17:19:12

I think if your sons dad approaches you calmly, has changed and is willing to do whatever it takes to prove to your son that he is sorry and can be the dad he deserves then you shouldn't deny him the ONE chance.
I'm also not sure if having your current partner try to adopt your son is a good move just in case it goes tits up but then I am very cautious in relationships so might just be me! I don't mean this to sound unkind but you can't change the fact that your ex is your sons dad. Although he does sound like a shit!

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 17:23:26

Im hoping he doesnt bother if im honest

PatriciaHolm Fri 20-Jan-17 17:23:49

If he's on the BC, then he has parental rights. The fact he doesn't seem in the least bit interested doesn't negate the fact they exist I'm afraid.

Given he had no contact, I suspect no court will be very interested in him kicking up a fuss about the move as it has no impact on contact.

However, you will need his permission for adoption, which he could of course refuse to give.

Wolfiefan Fri 20-Jan-17 17:26:08

It's not about money.
It's not about you.

It's about what's best for your child. If you have serious concerns that his father could harm him in any way then seek legal advice. I imagine you would need strong evidence to stop supervised visits at the very least if he wants them.

LivingOnTheDancefloor Fri 20-Jan-17 17:27:03

I understand Blue, I meant in theory if a mother wants to ask for money from a father she can, even if he made it clear he didn't want anything to do with the child. So in your situation the father could argue the same logic should apply, ie he has rights.

But I am absolutely not saying it feels right in your situation, and I would think the same as you flowers

OhhBetty Fri 20-Jan-17 17:27:41

Even though he's been a grade A twat, people can change and he could change. Or he could continue to be a twat and your life won't be any different!

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 17:27:44

I know its not about money or me. I dont want him near my son he'll let him down

girlelephant Fri 20-Jan-17 17:30:20

He sounds horrible so you have my sympathy.

But he would need to agree to your DP adopting your son and by doing this he would lose his parental responsibility.

Can I suggest also that as your son is only 18 months being adopted by your DP is a big commitment for what must be a relatively new relationship. Can you not just forget about adoption and focus on building a happy life as a family?

BlueParrott Fri 20-Jan-17 17:33:48

Thanks girl. We getting married July 2018 and were going to look more into adoption then x

Lovewineandchocs Fri 20-Jan-17 17:33:53

What did he actually say to your friend? Does he know you are getting married? I'd be inclined to do nothing at the moment-if he wants contact the ball is in his court. It's up to you whether you proceed with the adoption application, he'll be contacted anyway to see if he consents.

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