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DH's family visiting from overseas... AIBU to not accommodate them?

(36 Posts)
NettleCake Fri 20-Jan-17 16:07:32

Last year they stayed in our home... for over a month. We don't have a spare room so they had our room, we camped in with toddler DD. It didn't go well. Clash of cultures, different ideas about food, siestas, mealtimes, child raising, misunderstandings due to language barrier etc. As the weeks went by I felt increasingly angry and resentful. They rarely went out and spent hours watching TV or napping while I chased after toddler. I felt like I had no downtime or privacy.

So this time they are staying nearby in a holiday let (their idea). DH is unhappy about this. He wants them to 'feel welcome' to stay at ours anytime. He says next visit (in another 6 months or so) we must insist they stay with us.

Last time they stayed, it was up to me to entertain them all day as he was at work, so from 5am-8pm I was 'on duty'. It's also up to me to cook, clean, change bedding and do all the other guest-related tasks.

It's my home too! I do all the night wakings and 5am starts with toddler, I can't cope with hosting right now!


JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Fri 20-Jan-17 16:09:45

If he wants them in your house - then he can host them. Down tools and let him get on with waiting hand and foot on them, if it comes to that.

Branleuse Fri 20-Jan-17 16:12:42

tell him only if he takes the entire time off work and hosts them himself. dont let your husband take the piss

steppemum Fri 20-Jan-17 16:14:25

Has it occurred to your dh that they have chosen to stay at a holiday let for a reason? Maybe they realised it was all a bit much and a bit cramped.
It sounds ideal. When I lived overseas my parents came to stay in a flat in the same block as us, but not our flat. It was lovely, their space and our space and we really enjoyed our time together.

I would still expect that they may well get up and come round for a lot of the day though, and expect you to cook.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Fri 20-Jan-17 16:21:20

Tell him they are welcome to come and stay in your home, as long as you have a hotel booked somewhere else for the duration and he plays host grin

InTheDessert Fri 20-Jan-17 16:24:21

You don't have the space to host a couple of people for that length of time.
They have obviously realised it wasn't ideal last time. And are trying something different this time. See how it goes, but please don't make them feal guilty about paying to stay down the road. It might be what all of you need to make these visits work (a month, twice a year tho shock)

NettleCake Fri 20-Jan-17 16:31:44

He gets angry when I say I don't want them to stay with us again.

Yes I suspect they want their own space too, where they can feel relaxed and keep to their own schedule. DH thinks it's because I was a bad host last time. I tried to be welcoming and hospitable, but was seething inwardly after 10days and it showed!

I'm happy to meet them daily and cook, but I don't want them in our home all day every day. I need some downtime (and some time with DH) even if it's just a couple of hours in eve and first thing in morning.

In my family we don't 'do' long visits and usually stay in hotels. Home is private space.

Crunchymum Fri 20-Jan-17 16:35:32

Is your husband this selfish about everything?

He knows he was at work for the vast majority of their visit right? So it fell to you..

I assume from your first post he didn't spend the time when he wasn't working doing all the donkey work either.

Stick to your guns. My concern would be even if your "D"H agreed to host his parents he would still leave it to you anyway shock

Crispmonster1 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:37:18

I'm sure they would prefer a bit of space too. Sounds like a perfect compromise to have them staying nearby. Tell you OH to sod off!

expatinscotland Fri 20-Jan-17 16:42:06

'He gets angry when I say I don't want them to stay with us again.

Yes I suspect they want their own space too, where they can feel relaxed and keep to their own schedule. DH thinks it's because I was a bad host last time. I tried to be welcoming and hospitable, but was seething inwardly after 10days and it showed! '

Your husband is a sexist, controlling prick. I'd let him get angry because yes, it's your home, too. And tell him, too, that you're a person, not a fucking hired skivvy and if he think you're a bad host, then next time they come, he uses his annual leave to do all the work.

'No, we don't insist they stay here because we don't have space and I don't have to energy to wait on people hand and foot.


Want2bSupermum Fri 20-Jan-17 16:43:29

We are expats and now have 3 kids so when we visit family back home we rent a place, unless visiting my Dad who has lots of spare room.

YANBU at all. I would phrase it to your DH that if they are going to continue with these long visits and he wants them to stay with you, you guys need to move to a home that has an annex/granny flat. This is what we have done and it works really well. Of course not everyone has the money for this. Of course your DH could work a second job to pay for it since he wants his family staying for a month at a clip in your home. At the thought of working a 2nd job he should pipe down for a good while yet.

rookiemere Fri 20-Jan-17 16:59:41

He's making problems where there are none.

His DPs are happy to stay elsewhere, you're happy for them to stay elsewhere, only he has the problem.

He does sound like he is being an arse about it, but maybe it's a pride thing, he's embarrassed that his house isn't big enough to house his relatives. I'd play down the fact that you don't enjoy hosting them ( and why would you) and sigh wistfully and say if only you had a bigger house then perhaps they could stay, but as you don't then it's better for everyone that they stay elsewhere.

Or you could just tell him to stick his opinions where the sun doesn't shine. I can't imagine he enjoyed sleeping in the same room as your toddler for a month either.

SapphireStrange Fri 20-Jan-17 17:19:24

Last time they stayed, it was up to me to entertain them all day as he was at work, so from 5am-8pm I was 'on duty'. It's also up to me to cook, clean, change bedding and do all the other guest-related tasks.

So tell him, if he wants them to stay again, he will be doing all these things. Or, anyway, YOU won't.

He's being a twat.

stella23 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:23:38

Are you a stay at home mum, maybe you can swap roles, dh can be the sahd, then he will be able to host his parents chase around after a toddler, and you can go to work

FondantNancy Fri 20-Jan-17 17:36:59

Your husband is a massive arse. If he wants a superhost, tell him to do it himself.

jemmstar1980 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:45:55

Say yes darling when you can provide you the big house with the guest annex and the hired help they can come as long as they like! Sounds to
me like they have thoughtly taken the problem out of your hands! Invite them round as much as possible so your dick head of a husband can't moan! I wouldn't keep saying you don't want them to come and hope they go with the same arrangement next time. Or alternatively book a bladdy holiday and leave him to it!

We paid for my parents to stay in hotel once when we having the kitchen done as had no cooking facilities or fridge was bladdy lovely. Shame we can't afford to have it done every time :0p

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Fri 20-Jan-17 17:48:24

If he wants them to stay perhaps you could book the holiday let for yourself next time.

oldlaundbooth Fri 20-Jan-17 17:51:27

Fuck that.

His family, he hosts.

LetThereBePeace Fri 20-Jan-17 19:38:28

It might be the way you are phrasing it that is getting his hackles up. You said "He gets angry when I say I don't want them to stay with us again." Whereas you simply don't have the space at the moment to accommodate them.

Perhaps if you say that you do want them to stay when you have space, but the lack of space makes it really difficult, plus they might have come to the same conclusion which is why they have made other plans. If you had a large kitchen or spare room, it would still be an imposition but an inevitable part of having overseas family and much easier to handle if you have some space to escape to when you need it.

I also 100% agree with others that he needs to take at least a few days off during their stay to entertain them (and give you some space).

On the point you made about different cultures and them insisting on doing things their way, is this something you can just accept will happen and just suck it up for the duration of their stay?

Halle71 Fri 20-Jan-17 21:33:54

I wrote your post this summer except we do have space, I work part time and it was 'only' three weeks. Yet it still drove me mad. I'm not designed to live with other adults, related or not.
I also grew up in quite a private family and see my home as a 'retreat'. I found it awkward when I was not working and DH was, but also awkward coming home from a shitty day at work and having to be sociable. When we go and see them it works fine because we do our own thing, they do theirs and we meet for dinner, trips or just to hang out at the beach. When they come here they sit on the sofa for weeks.

I definitely found it hard to hide how I felt and they definitely picked up on it. In fact MIL went as far as booking a B&B but I felt shit (lose / lose situation) and made them stay.

I think you are lucky that they have made thus decision. I would just try my best to make the visit as lovely as possible to show DH how well it works.

And, like my DH, he is an inconsiderate arse for expecting this, not being in a position to help out, and then blaming you for a shit visit.

RubyReins Fri 20-Jan-17 21:49:42

I would ignore your H here. I think your in laws are being very intuitive. My splendid in laws live abroad and they came over last year for DS2's due date. They took a holiday let close by and came over every other day, hosted us for dinner a few times and were just genuinely brilliant. It worked so well. They had their space and we had ours but we had loads of time together on our own terms.

Seems like a non issue here really! Your H might be smarting about not being a good host but his folks seem OK about it!

Good luck

steppemum Fri 20-Jan-17 22:38:57

I commented up thread that I thought it was a great idea, but I would like to give a little different view on this.

My friend is British married to a Nigerian. A very key part of his culure is hospitality.
It has a deep root and meaning that I can just to really understand or comprehend. My friend has come to understand it, and how important it is to her dh, but she finds it really hard, as the female host.

It means that if someone from the family, or someone from the village who is in a position of respect (older) comes to the UK, they will automatically come and stay. It woudl be unthinkable for her dh to refuse, even if they had no space, they would still come.

Once, years ago when they were first married, she put her foot down over a long stay guest, and her dh made arrangements for the guest to stay with someone else. He husband was deeply ashamed that they had let this family member down, and the family member still 'jokes' with them about it.

I think it is very hard for me as a Brit to really understand the cultural pressure here. It is similar for many Asian families cultures too.

I think OP's inlaws have been amazingly sensitve to see it doesn't work and to pre-empt it by offereing to stay in a holiday let.

coconutpie Sat 21-Jan-17 08:05:05

Has your DH always been this selfish? It's so convenient how he demands they stay and say you were a bad host when you were stuck with them from 5am to 8pm. I would be really pissed off at the bad host comment. I'd respond with the only bad host is you, DH, since you were off at work the entire time. You were crazy to give up your bedroom to guests, by the way. I don't understand at all why people give up their bedroom - I'd give my bedroom up for NOBODY.

steppemum Sat 21-Jan-17 16:21:21

I'd give my bedroom up for NOBODY.
Have you always been this selfish?

You see our perspectives on what is reasonable varies so much.
I gave up my bedroom over Christmas for my parents. We slept on the sofa bed in dd2s room.

Why? because we are young enough to do things like camping and airbeds, and they aren't. And we can share with dd2 and they can't.

I would do the same for my PIL if they would travel, as then they would be self contained in bed/bath and we would be sharing wiht our kids which is easier.

extrabiotin Sat 21-Jan-17 16:29:17

I'm tempted to say you and child go to the holiday let and let the parents stay at yours with OH.

But I know that's not the practical answer here.

If IL's are happy to stay close by I really don't see what the problem is. Let OH deal with it, you stay out of it.

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