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To ask him to go tonight??

(33 Posts)
mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 14:45:55

Very long story short...

Me and DP have been together for 10 years and have 2 DC
Lots of arguing the past couple of years, both of us have been unhappy. This all came to a head last week where he said he'd had enough and couldn't do it anymore. We spoke and decided to have one more shot of it. Things were going well but last night we had another row about the same old things and today have both said that we have it a try but it just isn't going to work.

I have asked if he could stay at his mums tonight as I don't think him being here is going to help matters in terms of moving forward and making a fresh start. The weekends are when we argue the most and I just want to move on from this horrible cycle that we are in and have a nice weekend with the DC for once. He thinks that I'm forcing him out etc but we spoke so much last week and agreed to call it a day if it didn't work out. No amount of talking is going to sort our relationship out so I just don't see the need for him to be here.

AIBU in asking him to give me some space with my DC this weekend? How are we supposed to move on if he stays here this weekend which will no doubt end in more bickering and arguing? Of course he can pop in and see the DC etc but I don't want him here when we've called time on our relationship. confused

WarwickDavisAsPlates Fri 20-Jan-17 14:55:08

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable, if the relationship has ended why carry on with the weekend bickering and stress?

Have you sorted out what will happen with the house/ children in future? Maybe having a plan of action would make him feel less "forced out"?

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 15:13:50

We rent our house and rent comes out next week. I've said that after that payment he should stop paying his contribution and I will sort everything out for next month. I've told him that he can see DC whenever he likes. We will of course have some set days and he is welcome to pop in to see them or take them out on other days too. I just want a nice relaxed weekend with DC without feeling as if I'm walking on eggshells! This past month has been terrible and I just want out!

user1471517900 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:17:16

Is he happy that you would automatically be the resident parent? There seems to be an assumption here that he goes, and can visit kids, but you will be primary parent. Is he on board with this?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 20-Jan-17 15:21:06

AIBU in asking him to give me some space with my DC this weekend?

Aren't they his DC too?

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 15:23:08

User yes we have discussed this. He would love to have DC full time but work won't allow this and he believes that they need to be with me (Phew!) He's saying he needs time to sort himself out but we both knew this was coming. I just don't get what he's waiting for!

Hassled Fri 20-Jan-17 15:26:46

I guess he's waiting because he's scared - it's one thing to say it, quite another to make that leap. There's a finality to it that he probably has to psych himself up for, however much he knows it's the right thing to do. So you're right, there's no point dithering, but it's also hard for him IYSWIM. It sounds like you'll be able to be civil and at least co-parent effectively, which is incredibly valuable - good luck.

BastardGoDarkly Fri 20-Jan-17 15:31:49

Leaving your family home and your children must be awful, no matter how necessary and ' right' it is, can you imagine if it was you?

Since you've both only just decided to call it quits for good, does he have a plan? Would he go back to his mums long term?

It sounds like you're doing the right thing all round, doesn't make it any easier though.

Good luck flowers

Finola1step Fri 20-Jan-17 15:32:14

Absolutely nothing wrong in asking for some space. But it does sound like you both need to talk more about the practicalities of splitting up. Perhaps you are much clearer in your own head than he is and he may need more time to process.

If you want space this weekend, can you go and stay elsewhere on your own?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 20-Jan-17 15:36:26

I just don't get what he's waiting for!

Maybe because he is dreading leaving the DC! How would you feel if the tables were turned.

lilybetsy Fri 20-Jan-17 15:41:24

* MY* DC... erm they are HIS DC too ...

TheNaze73 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:46:51

Why don't you move out for the weekend, if it's that important to you?

FV45 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:49:33

This temporary solution seems to be driven by you e.g. I've told him he can see the kids whenever.

How about you sit down independently and write a list of how you would like things to go re house, kids etc and then sit together and see how both your plans fit together and then discuss.

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 15:51:07

Yes sorry. They are his DC too. I'm not sure why I said 'my' confused The argument last night was about the DC actually! He didn't agree with how I was disciplining one of them and completely over ruled the punishment I had put into place (thinking chair for 2 minutes) and cuddled instead! This was just one of the many issues we said had to change. I asked him to put him back to follow through what I had said and he point blank refused because he didn't want to see him crying (the reason he was put there was because he was chucking food around and I think at almost 4 that isn't acceptable)

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 15:51:38

I went to stay with my mum for the whole weekend last weekend.

RobDykeWatcher Fri 20-Jan-17 15:52:07

You want him to leave, you want the dc and you want the house

Is he allowed to want anything (that he'll be allowed to have)?

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 15:53:56

We both sat down and went through everything last week before we decided to give it another go. He was happy with all the arrangements but I do see how it must be difficult but I thought this was what we had both agreed. He said he would stay with his mum short term until he found another suitable place to rent.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 20-Jan-17 15:55:54

I went to stay with my mum for the whole weekend last weekend.

With the DC?

TinyTear Fri 20-Jan-17 16:01:45

Im afraid that is what an almost 4 year old does, and if they do it again they would get the food taken off them. An "almost 4" has no maturity to 'think' in a 'thinking' chair... I'm with your DH on this

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 16:05:35

Yes with the DC. I asked if he was ok with this and he agreed as he had to work anyway

Foxysoxy01 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:05:49

It does very much read and sound all like you and what you want.

He is having to leave his home, his belongings, his DC for a uncertain future of when he can actually see his kids.

I think if it is so desperate for you to have space this weekend then you should go.
It might even be better that way as he can sort his belongings and have a weekend in his home with his kids one last time.

purpleshortcake Fri 20-Jan-17 16:08:31

I think it's really important how this is handled with the children. It may be better to explain it to them tonight then have your DP around for the weekend so you can show a united front in parenting and let them know you are BOTH going to be there for them to help them deal with any worries they may have. They may feel more secure that way rather than DP being ejected suddenly

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 16:09:01

Tiny Maybe I got it wrong this time? Normally a very good eater and throwing food around and laughing isn't something he normally does. I'm pretty sure he knew what he was misbehaving!

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 20-Jan-17 16:15:19

Yes with the DC. I asked if he was ok with this and he agreed as he had to work anyway

So can he not take them with him for the weekend then?

You are asking him suddenly to leave without the DC because you want space. Can you not see how hard that is for him? Seriously how would you feel?

mrbloomswife Fri 20-Jan-17 16:20:59

Yes you could be right. I will ask if he would like them this weekend. This is a very awkward situation but is something that we both wanted and agreed on. I was pushing him to give us another go as he was adamant we were over. He very much wanted this. Perhaps I'm feeling resentful?

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