Long time lurker and have been thinking of making an account and posting this for a while as it’s been on my mind for a long time.
I have been with DP for five years, and he is a great guy. We get on so well- he is kind, intelligent, funny, considerate, we have a lot in common and he would do anything for me. I know he would never leave me, or ever deliberately hurt me. He compliments me and tells me how much he loves me all the time. I know I should feel lucky that I have found such a great partner, but I just have a feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. When he talks about marrying me, I can’t get rid of this sinking feeling even though I know that he would probably be a great Dad and a supportive husband, and we would work well together. I constantly feel like a dreadful person, and huge amounts of guilt for feeling this way about a lovely man.
First of all, I don’t know if I’m that attracted to him. Some days I look at him and think that he looks nice, but I see people on the street for example that I find myself more attracted to. I also don’t have any desire to have sex with him, so we do it perhaps once a fortnight because I feel guilty as I know he still wants to have sex with me. I don’t know if I am in love with him, as much as I love him as I would a very very close friend, but is that so bad? Secondly, I feel like my relationship has never challenged me or pushed me to grow- in some ways, I feel like I am dragging him through life as I encourage him to make decisions, and he largely lets me do whatever I want without offering any opinion. It is honestly quite boring, and sometimes like having a child, instead of a partner. We work at different paces too- so he is quite happy to leave dirty clothes, washing up etc. until it really must be done, whereas I like it done straight away and he knows this bothers me. He doesn’t take any initiative to do things like hoover, change beds, put washing on, but he would do it if I asked him to. If he goes away, or out, I love the time on my own and don’t miss him at all, even when he says he misses me.
This all sounds so much worse when I’ve written it down. I am not unhappy, per se, we tick over quite well and have a lot of good times together. Would it be ridiculous to give up such a nice bloke? Sometimes I feel like I ought to compromise- live with some dirty dishes and some unfulfilling sex- so that I could have the security of a life with someone who really does love me huge amounts. To him, I think a break up would come totally out of the blue, even though we have had frequent conversations about things being not right and I have almost left before, but he has always promised that things will get better. At times in the pasts, these conversations have come at times where he has been having really difficult issues going on in other areas of life, so I have been persuaded to stay because he has told me that he needs me and would have nobody else. I know that sounds hugely manipulative but I think a lot of people would do the same in his position?
Sorry, I know this has become a huge post- thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. But has anyone else ever been in this position? Is the relationship salvageable with hard work? Would I be mad to leave?
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To wonder if I'm not with the right person?
26 replies
cowardlycustard2017 · 20/01/2017 13:41
OP posts:
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