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To wonder if I'm not with the right person?

(27 Posts)
cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 13:41:27

Long time lurker and have been thinking of making an account and posting this for a while as it’s been on my mind for a long time.

I have been with DP for five years, and he is a great guy. We get on so well- he is kind, intelligent, funny, considerate, we have a lot in common and he would do anything for me. I know he would never leave me, or ever deliberately hurt me. He compliments me and tells me how much he loves me all the time. I know I should feel lucky that I have found such a great partner, but I just have a feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. When he talks about marrying me, I can’t get rid of this sinking feeling even though I know that he would probably be a great Dad and a supportive husband, and we would work well together. I constantly feel like a dreadful person, and huge amounts of guilt for feeling this way about a lovely man.

First of all, I don’t know if I’m that attracted to him. Some days I look at him and think that he looks nice, but I see people on the street for example that I find myself more attracted to. I also don’t have any desire to have sex with him, so we do it perhaps once a fortnight because I feel guilty as I know he still wants to have sex with me. I don’t know if I am in love with him, as much as I love him as I would a very very close friend, but is that so bad? Secondly, I feel like my relationship has never challenged me or pushed me to grow- in some ways, I feel like I am dragging him through life as I encourage him to make decisions, and he largely lets me do whatever I want without offering any opinion. It is honestly quite boring, and sometimes like having a child, instead of a partner. We work at different paces too- so he is quite happy to leave dirty clothes, washing up etc. until it really must be done, whereas I like it done straight away and he knows this bothers me. He doesn’t take any initiative to do things like hoover, change beds, put washing on, but he would do it if I asked him to. If he goes away, or out, I love the time on my own and don’t miss him at all, even when he says he misses me.

This all sounds so much worse when I’ve written it down. I am not unhappy, per se, we tick over quite well and have a lot of good times together. Would it be ridiculous to give up such a nice bloke? Sometimes I feel like I ought to compromise- live with some dirty dishes and some unfulfilling sex- so that I could have the security of a life with someone who really does love me huge amounts. To him, I think a break up would come totally out of the blue, even though we have had frequent conversations about things being not right and I have almost left before, but he has always promised that things will get better. At times in the pasts, these conversations have come at times where he has been having really difficult issues going on in other areas of life, so I have been persuaded to stay because he has told me that he needs me and would have nobody else. I know that sounds hugely manipulative but I think a lot of people would do the same in his position?

Sorry, I know this has become a huge post- thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. But has anyone else ever been in this position? Is the relationship salvageable with hard work? Would I be mad to leave? sad

VladmirsPoutine Fri 20-Jan-17 14:00:31

I've had this before with an ex. I felt like I'd outgrown the relationship. He was stunned but I'd been feeling half way out the door for about 2 years prior. In some instances it can work out but you really can't 'force' yourself to love someone or have sex with them - the desire is either there or it isn't.
I think the sensible thing to do is to split so that you can be with someone more on your wave length.

mum2be88 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:08:11

Also been here before - I stayed for 4 years when realistically we were over after 1 - but due to events in our lives (family issues, etc) I stuck around and tried to make it work.

Life is too short! It was really tough to make that break, but it was totally worth it in the long run.

Good luck!

Rolypolybabies Fri 20-Jan-17 14:59:03

He may seem very happy, but he would most definitely be happier if he was with someone who truly loved him. A half hearted relationship isn't fair on either of you.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 15:03:01

I think you should leave. I don't think you should feel guilty about it though, I do think it is wrong to continue a relationship with someone when you don't really want to. It's like living a lie. You just need the balls to go through with it.

RoboticSealpup Fri 20-Jan-17 15:10:28

I've been there. When I left, I realised that he didn't love me either, at least not as much as I thought he did. He was just so lazy, inert and lacking in motivation that he never, ever would have broke up with me, regardless of how boring our life together was. It was almost as if he was daring me to leave him, by being as boring as humanly possible. He was also the type to never want to go anywhere, just played computer games all of his free time, and had no ambitions or dreams for the future. Nothing.

I remember coming home from work, one beautiful Friday in spring and he said 'What do you want to do tonight?' My heart almost skipped a beat with excitement, until he corrected himself. 'For food, OK mean. I don't want to go anywhere .' My heart sank. That's how sad my life was with him. We never went anywhere.

I remember crying to my sister "But he's so nice! How can I ever make it work with anyone of I can't make it work with someone who is so nice?" But you know, you're probably enjoying the safety of the devil you know and is very easy to overestimate how nice someone is just because you feel comfortable in their company. You need more than 'nice' to love someone, anyway.

I met and married the perfect guy about a year later. That'll never happen to you unless you leave this dead fish.

icy121 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:16:31

I had this with an ex. Happily we were only together 2 years, but we were halfway through a house share tenancy and the 3rd wheel was going to move back north and the thought of renting a flat and living with him made my heart sink. So I split up with him.

Don't see it as giving him up, you're setting him free to meet someone who is head over heels in love with him. He'll be gutted at first but in time he'll see he deserves someone who loves him to pieces. My ex is now happily married, living up north (so presumably in a better house than we would've managed!) and has a great life with someone who can give him more than I ever could or would.

RoboticSealpup Fri 20-Jan-17 15:20:14

Oops, sorry OP. I read another post just before this one about a husband who "can't be arsed" to go out and I think I mentally conflated the two. I don't know if your partner is like that! The other stuff still stands! blush

VaginaDentata Fri 20-Jan-17 15:27:55

To him, I think a break up would come totally out of the blue, even though we have had frequent conversations about things being not right and I have almost left before, but he has always promised that things will get better.

Well, if you've told him on a number of previous occasions that you aren't happy and that you were on the point of leaving, surely he'd have to be pretty boneheaded for you leaving him to come 'out of the blue'?

You talk about him being 'great', but what you are actually describing sounds more like a rather dull, self-absorbed, juvenile man who leaves the housework (and it sounds like the emotional 'work' of your relationship too) to you, and who has on many previous occasions inveigled you into staying with emotional blackmail, even though he's supposedly 'considerate'.

You're not happy, and you've given it five years - do you really want to live with this person for the rest of your life?

cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:39:02

Thank you all for your reply- its nice to be reassured that I'm not a dreadful person for not wanting this relationship anymore. So much of what you have all said reflects how I feel entirely. I guess that this isn't normal- for after five years for the spark to be gone completely?

roboticsealpup actually your post does ring true even if you did get me mixed up with the other poster! He constantly says that he would like to do things and be more adventurous, but unless I suggest and plan it all, he won't do any of it. I guess this part "But he's so nice! How can I ever make it work with anyone of I can't make it work with someone who is so nice?" is how I feel, but its reassuring to know that it worked out for you.

VaginaDentata yeah sorry reading back that part, it doesn't really make sense. I just meant that right now things are ok, so it might come out of the blue right now, and sometimes I regret not ending in when I had a reason to, for example in one of those frequent discussions I mentioned. What you have written is probably the harsh reality though- maybe I make him seem nicer than he is in my head.

ollieplimsoles Fri 20-Jan-17 15:51:37

maybe I make him seem nicer than he is in my head.

I think you are definitely doing this op.

My best friend was seeing a lovely guy for quite some time, she was in the same position as you and wanted to leave him but has just the same worries you are having. She would frequently lament to me that he was so lovely and kind to her- but I didn't see it really, he seemed boring and safe and was only nice to her when he was happy with what they were doing.

She had low self esteem and just made him look more perfect in her head.

Have you seen the movie 'bride wars'- you make me think of Emma and her relationship with Fletcher.

Get yourself together and leave.

KarenLF Fri 20-Jan-17 15:54:26

I've been in a similar relationship with my ex - I wasted 4 long years staying with him because I felt bad breaking up with him. It's now my biggest regret in life and I wish I'd done it sooner.
Absolutely don't stay with someone just because they're "nice" - you deserve to be 100% happy and it does not sound like you are at all.

Piffyonarockbun Fri 20-Jan-17 16:00:37

I wasted 9 years in a relationship just like yours. I convinced myself i didnt want to get married and have children. Really it was because i didnt want to do it with him. Nothing wrong with him, nice, decent bloke but not for me. Not long after finally breaking up with him (which was horrible and hard) i found another nice decent bloke. We are now married with a much wanted DD. There was nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with him. He just wasnt for me. It was rough breaking up but immediately he left i felt such a sense of relief. When i was with him i couldnt even watch romantic movies because it made me so sad that i would never feel that way!!!

cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:16:46

Oh god, I need to get out, don't I?

I'm just scared that nobody will treat me better than he does, and I have no idea how to do this because in past relationships, there's always been an easier reason for it to end. Big girl pants needed.

Good to hear that all of you who have been in similar situations are much happier now smile

Ilovetorrentialrain Fri 20-Jan-17 16:24:11

I'm in a similar position OP. Hope you don't mind me placemarking. You're getting some good, considered, replies.

RiversrunWoodville Fri 20-Jan-17 16:52:19

I was in a similar situation to you op and began to have conversations and then made the break I then got together with now DH and we are married seven years next month together 10 in may

cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:58:20

Ilovetorrentialrain of course I don't mind, no, I hope this thread helps you too. I appreciate everyone's replies a great deal.

Part of me had started to convince myself that it was normal to feel like this after being with someone for so long and that everyone would tell me to stay, so I'm very glad I did actually post.

TheSparrowhawk Fri 20-Jan-17 17:00:21

How on earth would he make a great dad and supportive husband if he can't even wash clothes under his own steam??

cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:06:18

TheSparrowhawk Touché.

Amongst other reasons, e is a very patient, caring man and I guess I thought those were good parental qualities. I guess I thought because he doesn't challenge my opinion, that he wouldn't undermine me and as a team we would work quite well. But that sounds so stupid when I've written it because he won't even do the dishes!

TheSparrowhawk Fri 20-Jan-17 17:56:27

A good parent is one who does the hard work of actually taking care of their children, one who makes the tough decisions and gets things done. Patient caring lazy people who lack initiative can get themselves a cat!

MrTiddlestheFatCat Fri 20-Jan-17 20:45:19

I think you should leave. Its not fair on you to try and live your life with someone just because they're 'nice'.

There are plenty of 'nice' men out there who you will have a spark with and who you could fall in love with. You don't sound happy. He sounds like he's dragging you down OP, can you live with someone like that for the rest of your life?

Minimincepies Fri 20-Jan-17 21:23:24

I had this with an ex, I was so bored and unfulfilled but he was so nice that I couldn't bring myself to leave, and there was nothing 'wrong' that I could put my finger on or use as an excuse to end things. It dragged on for 3 years until I was chatting to a friend and she asked me if the thought of being with him forever scared me more than the thought of not being with him forever - I'd never looked at it like that and it was a lightbulb moment! I left the following day and it was such a relief.

IonaNE Fri 20-Jan-17 21:27:40

OP, I'd have this moved to Relationships.

cowardlycustard2017 Fri 20-Jan-17 22:11:23

Thanks Iona, how do I do that? This is my first time posting so I'm not too sure on anything.

downwardfacingdog Fri 20-Jan-17 23:02:12

He would be a nightmare parent IMO. One of those that is like an extra child, who 'babysits' his own kids and needs instructions on what to do to look after his kids, feed them etc. Some of my friends' DHs are like this and I couldn't tolerate it.

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