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AIBU to still hate my SiL after so many years?

(23 Posts)
OrraBoralis Fri 20-Jan-17 08:37:55

My SiL has always been demanding. I met her when I was 17, her brother was 18 and she was 13. They have a younger sister who is lovely. SiL was a pain as a teen, thought she was special and different.

Going back many, many years when she and her husband and 12 month old child needed a place to stay we let them stay with us. We had only been there a year and there were two bedrooms downstairs and one good bedroom upstairs with two pretty horrible rooms off the upstairs landing. We offered them the nice, big bedroom downstairs but they wanted the bigger, not so nice one upstairs. OK. They put the baby cot in the horrible room, it was a place I would put luggage not a baby but they didn't care.

I had cats (PFBC) and asked them either not to bring their cats or for to let ours get to know them before they took them to my home. Did they Fuck, they snuck them in and fed them in the horrible room that the cot was in. When I found out, there was tins of moudly Whiskas and a crusty spoon. I let the cat thing go because it was family.

We had a dining room that we adapted into a lounge for them but I had to go through it to get to the kitchen. My DH worked away a lot and I worked full time and I would come home to her cooking dinner for her DH and not even a plate for me. She would take her friends, who I knew, into their lounge and give them a meal and not offer me anything. Most of the time that wouldn't bother me but it was the show she put on for her friends.

She smoked, and I did at the time but she would let her toddler put juice in the ashtrays, I came home one day and my bath was covered in an empty ashtray, did she clean it up? NO.

I think the worst was when she thought she was pregnant. She left all her pee tests all over my bathroom sink. DH and I were trying, she didn't know that, but who the fuck leaves their pregnancy sticks on the sink?

When my DH, her brother came home from Offshore she had a meal on the table for him and cleaned the house, fucking bitch!

My DH knows how I feel and her younger sister knows and they agree that she is selfish but I cant seem to let it go. DH comes from a family of non-communicators. I have told him that I would be ok never seeing SiL again but I want to tell her what a shit she was to me.

In case anyone wondered, I kept my house clean, I did more than I would normally have done and I did look after my nephew. I didn't go upstairs because that was their area and it was only when I saw my nephew in the shitty, horrible room that I saw all the tins of food and crusty spoons, they were disgusting. I threw out the old cans and cleaned the cats food bowls.
WIBU to tell her or should I just let it go, she is still a selfish woman to this day.

MorrisZapp Fri 20-Jan-17 08:43:03

I don't think you can pull her up for this many, many years later. Just keep contact to a minimum. You really don't need to be friends with your in-laws.

pipsqueak25 Fri 20-Jan-17 08:44:23

is it really worth the energy of carrying this baggage around with you, still eating at you every day ? i don't think so tbh.
do you still see her ? if nc that's good.
it was skanky behaviour but i don't think it is really worth dragging up the past ?

picklemepopcorn Fri 20-Jan-17 08:50:43

Is there a reason why this is bothering you a lot at the moment? Has something else happened?

It's ok to still think that her behaviour back then was bad, it's ok to not much like her and avoid her where you can. It's probably not worth getting angry and upset about now though.

OrraBoralis Fri 20-Jan-17 08:56:33

You are right, thank you. Contact is minimal. It is not an everyday baggage, just a long held grudge I think.

I tend to cling onto the bad, my sister is even worse, I would love a way for me to learn how to let it go and to teach my sister.

neonrainbow Fri 20-Jan-17 08:57:34

You seriously need to move on. What you describe isn't even that bad.

coffeetasteslikeshit Fri 20-Jan-17 08:59:11

I'd let it go. This is a good read:

OrraBoralis Fri 20-Jan-17 09:04:45

picklemepopcorn We live in Asia and I am back in Scotland for months and we don't communicate, that is fine. Her brother (my DH) gets back to Scotland for 3 weeks and she can't find time to see him.
She saw him for about an hour this year but could not find the time to see him last year even though he called her and asked to meet up.

KC225 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:14:57

Agree with the others, how long ago was this? Has something happened recently that has brought all this to a head? I take it she no longer lives with you.

You should have dealt with it at the time, she was staying in your house and you were doing her a massive favour. She seemed to flout your good will at every turn but you let her get away with it by saying nothing. You gave the good bedroom upstairs and then made up living room for them. She would cook for everyone and not you, why didn't you ask where your plate was. Why did she behave like that towards you? I think the best outcome is accepting you are never going to like her but I cannot see what telling her will do as her past behaviour suggests she feels the same way about you. Enjoy your relationship with the younger sister and drop the elder one discreetly.

OrraBoralis Fri 20-Jan-17 09:15:14

coffeetasteslikeshit thank you, I couldn't get through it all right now but I will.

neonrainbow I'm glad anyone who lives in your house doesn't leave multiple pregnancy sticks on your sink..

stoopido Fri 20-Jan-17 09:22:26

I agree you don't need to be friends with your inlaws. I worked this out a long time ago, just be pleasant when at family gatherings and then go about your daily life without giving her a second thought!

Thingvellir Fri 20-Jan-17 09:23:56

It was a long time ago, she was young and many are more selfish/self-absorbed when young. It seems you were overly non-confrontational (also young?) at the time so didnt deal with it effectively when it happened, its too late to address that now.

If she has now grown out of it and was now pleasant and nice to you, I would let it go and refuse to give that time any further thought. If she hasn't got better with age and experience (and it seems from your later posts that she's still pretty awful) then I'd just forget about her and not maintain any relationship beyond being distantly polite if you have to be in the same room for family gatherings.

She is not part of your life it seems, and therefore not worth any of your headspace.

BTW - the cat food thing and not making the room nice for her infant child is rank, not excusing her at all!

diddl Fri 20-Jan-17 09:27:23

She's not worth the energy that you are wasting on her by dwelling on this.

She won't be giving you any thoughts at all.

HecateAntaia Fri 20-Jan-17 09:30:28

What's the point?
She won't say omg you're so right, I'm a terrible person...

She'll be cross or upset and make out you're a dreadful person. And probably go crying to her entire family.

Unreasonable people don't think theyare unreasonable. Otherwise they wouwouldn't behave how they do.

If you just want to get it off your chest then that's up to you. But if you expect a positive outcome then sorry to say i think you're on a hiding to nothing.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:41:30

Yes she was rude and inconsiderate but you are allowing her to burn your emotional energy. I get that she never gave you a chance but sometimes people are like that for no good reason.

Divert your thoughts elsewhere and you will be much happier!

Bluntness100 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:44:16

Ok if this is many many years ago as you say you need to let it go. It's fine not to like her, and for this to be the reason why, but to be still focusing so heavily on it all these years later isn't healthy.

dollydaydream114 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:44:30

How long ago was this? Why would you feel the need to suddenly bring it up now, particularly if you don't actually see her?

It's over and done with. If you don't usually have any contact with her and you suddenly phone up and say 'By the way, you were a complete bitch when you lived in my house several years ago' you will seem a bit mad.

Has something happened lately that's raked all this up?

picklemepopcorn Fri 20-Jan-17 09:50:58

I can see how her behaviour now must rankle, and remind you of how badly she behaved back then. There are lots of ways to practise letting go and moving on. I hope you find one that works for you and your sister.
Here are a couple:
Write it all out on paper, burn the paper.
Think about the irritation, and blow hard into a balloon to get all the irritation out and into the balloon. Burst the balloon and see all that irritation disappear with it.
Put a band on your wrist and flick it when you start thinking about her, then think about something really positive instead.

Jaysis Fri 20-Jan-17 10:13:37

What you are describing happened many years ago? In that case, I do think you need to find ways to let it go - for you. It's still bothering you and chances are that she's barely given it a thought all these years. She's not worth your headspace.

Your DH and her have minimal contact, that sounds like a good way to continue.

Sonders Fri 20-Jan-17 10:28:53

I never thought I'd get to use this quote but my god you need to take this on board:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

The only one suffering is you, please find a way to let this go.

Sonders Fri 20-Jan-17 10:29:37

I never thought I'd get to use this quote but my god you need to take this on board:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

The only one suffering is you, please find a way to let this go.

caz323 Fri 20-Jan-17 11:54:55

OP, I am wondering could this perhaps be a case of you being angry with yourself aswell? Maybe you feel upset that you didn't vent your anger at the time? After all, noone likes to be taken for granted and it seems like your kind hospitality was abused big-time. But to have this anger eating you up for many years is unhealthy and destructive. You cannot possibly be happy like this. I don't think a trip to the GP would do any harm - you might be clinically depressed and not even realise it. I wish you well.

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 20-Jan-17 11:58:54

When my DH, her brother came home from Offshore she had a meal on the table for him and cleaned the house, fucking bitch!

Ummmm, the most reasonable thing she did is the thing you seen most angry at confused. I agree with pp, you need to let it go.

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