Serious incidence at school. Help please

[piedpiper4]

DD (12) suffers from severe anxiety and this makes it very difficult for her to speak in class. Recently her anxiety has been getting worse and she has started self harming again. Something she stopped about a year ago. I have been talking to the school and they have put several things in place to support DD, including saying she doesn't have to speak in class if she is feeling overwhelmed. So far, so good.

Today DD had a lesson with a teacher she is afraid of. She has this teacher one lesson a week and literally shakes in her class. DD says shes a very angry teacher who shouts all the time.
It got to near the end of the lesson today and teacher asked DD to answer some questions. DD said no she didn't know, but the teacher kept pushing for an answer and started shouting at DD. At this point DD burst into tears.
There was a TA in the class, who wasn't actually working with the class, but who was sorting out some paperwork. She has worked with DD previously and realised what was happening. She removed DD from the class and took her to a safe place to calm down. As they left the classroom, the teacher apparently shouted after them that she wasn't asking anything hard, and that she only needed to say one sentence.
The TA was brilliant and really looked after DD.
Two lessons later, DD was sent to the nurse as she self harmed in class and was bleeding.
The teacher is very high in the school management, so for the TA to go against her must have taken a lot of courage.
My question to you is..how angry and upset would you be?
I have a meeting with the school on Monday and I want to make sure I respond appropriately. As a bit of background, until 2 years ago DD was a school refuser but has done so well to get here. I've just been through so much to get DD to this point that I sometimes feel I under estimate how good/bad situations are.
Thanks

[Thattimeofyearagain]

I'd go nuclear . Honestly the teacher sounds like a nasty bully. Is CAHMS involved with your daughter?

[harderandharder2breathe]

I think anger is totally justified. Your poor DD! I'm so glad the TA stuck up for her and looked after her.

The school haven't followed their own plan so I would be asking why not and what they were going to do to make sure it was followed in the future

[karigan]

I once had a child burst into tears in my lesson (I wasnt shouting, I mentioned something that hit a nerve with the child because of her family history.) I felt terrible even though it certainly hadn't been deliberate on my part.
What a horrible man. I hope they deal with him accordingly.

[DeleteOrDecay]

That teacher sounds like a bully! Your poor dd, it sounds like she's come a long way. Hopefully this doesn't set her back to much.

I would definitely be having strong words with the school about this.

[PastysPrincess]

That is disgusting; you have every right to be furious. That is a despicable way to treat any pupil let alone one that has procedures written down to assist them. I'd go full nuclear too. I would hope that when this meeting happens the head offers a full apology and investigates throughly why the procedures weren't followed. Can your daughter move class?

[Mottlemoth]

I would be very angry and I would make sure the head knew it. The school have gone against their own plan and as a direct result have given your DD cause to harm herself again. That's bloody serious. I would also make it clear - preferably in writing - that it was only the intervention of the TA that stopped the incident going any further and further harming your DDs
mental health.

[GrainOfSalt]

I am a teacher. Yes, I would be livid and 'go nuclear' as a pp said (but in a very calm and controlled way with as much written evidence as possible )

[IrregularCommentary]

Cannot even imagine how angry I would be in this situation OP.

I'd want a different teacher and a full explanation as to why this happened and how the school is going to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Christ, I'd be livid.

[CoraPirbright]

My question to you is..how angry and upset would you be?

I would flip my fucking lid quite frankly. Just look how well you and your dd have done to start attending school even though she has anxiety. And to have it all jeopardised by one vile, shouting bully?? I would take it as far as I could bloody go and have this bitch end up with some sort of official reprimand on her permanent record. I would also insist that she had no part in my daughters education going forward.

Sorry about the swearing but just reading this has made me so angry on your behalf!

[BastardGoDarkly]

Totally justified in being angry, your poor dd.

Wtf was this teacher thinking?

[notarehearsal]

If a parent behaved in the same way with a seriously vulnerable child it would be labelled emotional abuse

[Caper86]

Finding the teacher out of school and take them down.


Obviously you can't, but yes go nuclear. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

[EweAreHere]

How angry would I be?

I am furious over lesser things. This might tip me into a rage.

Put it all in writing before you go in so there's a clear description of what happened, and a reminder of her history and your agreement with the school re her talking in class, having support when nec, etc.

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope she's ok. xx

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I agree with everyone else.

The Head would be under no illusion about how angry I was, but I'd deliver the message very calmly, but clearly. Very. Very. Clearly. DD would not be in that teachers class ever again.

[wornoutboots]

email all the way after face to face meetings, I'd be onh the warpath for this and expect there to be some serious consequences for that teacher - because this could cause serious repercussions for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Serious, controlled anger but push for this bully to be stopped.

[Hercules12]

I wouldn't send her back in till you've had a meeting with apology and assurances this will never happen again. Is she seen by camhs? Dd, 13, does and school have a safety plan in place.

[SparkyStar84]

I would be inclined to say for your daughters mental health she doesn't take this class and she has an alternate teacher, or some form of support to educate her but not by the said teacher.
I found as a disabled person not every teacher/lecturer read the care plan put in place. So it could be a case of that, therefore the teacher needs telling, you receive a memo or note, you read it and take it in, don't dismiss it. Plus an apology to both you & your DD is required minimum.
I know it can be challenging, but if not already in place, full concessions should be made. It sounds like the TA did brilliantly. Just sorry to hear the impact on DD.

[piedpiper4]

Thanks for all your replies. It's really good to know I haven't overreacted. I've always tried the 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar' approach, but this time I just want to go 'nuclear' as another poster has said!
I did say to the secretary when I made the appointment that I didn't think I should go in there and then as I needed time to 'collect my thoughts'!
Huge back story with DD as problems started when she was 3. Camhs involvement for a very long time. She's the bravest person I know, had a terrible time in primary and has literally fought to make secondary school work. She really doesn't need this, especially from someone who she perceives as being such an authority figure in the school.
We have bought the TA some flowers, and DD has written her a lovely letter. I needed DD to see that there are some great people in school. She doesn't need to go down the opposite route and refuse to go to school again.
Thanks everyone

[HorridHenryrule]

What a nightmare for you. Have you thought about homeschooling you could put her into a secondary internet school. She can do all the same GCSEs that she would have taken in a brick school. She could go to clubs in the evening it is less intimidating.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I teach and would have no problem going nuclear over this. Any adult with half a brain knows that battering a child over the head with the same question when they've gone into panic-mode is nothing but idiocy. She might be high up in management but she's a pretty shoddy teacher if this is her best.

Get a cool head on, gather your evidence, go to school and stay as calm as you possibly can. If you can have someone with you so much the better. Make notes about what you want to ask, what you want to say, what outcome you expect. Fight your DD's corner. That teacher is a disgrace.

[HorridHenryrule]

Your daughter sounds amazing tell her to stand up for herself and say I don't know. What can the teacher do to her. Tell her its okay to say no and stand her ground.

[Altimate]

I would be so, so angry! Your poor DD, thank goodness for the TA, and for your strength behind your DD.
Set the whole event down in writing now, then email it before the meeting, including what outcomes you expect. Add that you want the meeting to be minuted. Take a copy of your letter with you, with numbered points so you can tick them off as you go, and keep repeating back anything agreed, so that it is definitely minuted. Say that you expect a copy of the minutes to check, along with confirmation in writing that your outcomes have been actioned. Thinking of you and your daughter.

[Floralnomad]

Id be pretty furious . When my dd was in school she had a medical card that meant she could just get up and leave a lesson without having to ask / explain you just flashed the card at the teacher , I would ask if the school has something similar that your daughter could have in case of future problems .

[dollydaydream114]

Well done to the TA and yes, I would be furious in your situation. I think it's important to be calm when you actually have face to face conversations with the school, but you must certainly leave them in no doubt about how unacceptable this is.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

As Ewe posted, I would get everything (letters, emails, notes) that you have in writing that records how the school were going to help your DD and their plan and take that to the meeting.

In the meeting I would be icily cold, go through the plan in excruciating detail to be sure everyone understood your DD's situation and how the school decided they were going to handle it - making the point that it was the school's decision. Then I would describe what happened in the lesson. In the telling I would also point out how great the TA was and how the situation could have deteriorated even further without her help. I would expect an answer to the question 'Why does Mr./Mrs. X think she knows better than mental health professionals, the school pastoral care and the Head when it comes to how my daughter should be treated in class?'. You don't want a hot anger or this one, you want a cold, clinical, venomous, quiet anger.

I think the result of the meeting is that your DD is never in that teacher's class again. Is there another teacher for that subject? Can she study at home? Can she move to a parallel class or change her subject options to avoid the teacher? Can the nice TA help her with the subject on her own during the lesson?

I would also suggest the Head visit the class and see how that teacher handles the students. It wouldn't surprise me if students are choosing subject options to avoid that teacher once they finish the year with him/her.