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AIBU to want a tiny bit of comfort/sympathy

(17 Posts)
defoLosingIt Thu 19-Jan-17 15:50:56

I'm current 8.5 months into a hard pregnancy. Over the last 6 weeks I've had a UTI, thrush, extreme nerve pain (strong pain killers), bad anaemia, high blood pressure and been randomly throwing up. It's my second, I'm also looking after a very active 3 year old and until last week was working 3 days. Throughout, I've had zero sympathy from DH. I really don't milk it, quite the opposite, as DH generally thinks people aren't strong enough and weak in general. I'm not asking for back or foot massages, just the occasional hug or telling me I'm doing well or a kiss occasionally.

Since just before Xmas I've had quite severe hip, bum and thigh pains (I have to hold onto walls and furniture to walk quite often and often in tears due to pain). Someone suggested yesterday that it might be pelvic girdle pain so I did some googling. When DH came home I told him about it and how I probably should have mentioned something to the midwife as nhs website said I should really get help. His only response... That I seem to have a much lower pain threshold this pregnancy, suggesting I'm being a hypochondriac. I asked what he was referring to and all he could cite was when I dropped something on my toe and cried (this was about about 6 months ago and it was a mixture of shock and emotional build up - knackered/morning sickness). AIBU to want to punch him in the face?!?! I was so angry but all my emotions come out as tears which he finds attention seeking so I just went up early to bed and cried myself to sleep. So tired of this...

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 19-Jan-17 16:02:48

He doesn't show you any physical affection? You should have that even without any ailments etc. That's just normal relationship stuff. He sounds very cold. YANBU.

Imnotaslimjim Thu 19-Jan-17 16:06:51

Definitely punch him, I'll be you're alibi. You need hugs, kisses and affection just for getting through a pregnancy never mind going through PGP and random vomiting and all the other stuff. He should coddling you. Has he always been so cold?

MothertotheLordsofmisrule Thu 19-Jan-17 16:12:37

Jeez I think I would cry (actually probably swear) if I dropped something on my toe. He sounds a bit of a cock tbh.

It's the constant pain and other issues that really grinds you down, so yeah I think you are allowed to moan.

He needs to understand that every pregnancy is different, puts huge strain on your body and step up to the mark to support you.

I had no issues with pelvic pain with ds1 but did with ds2, ds1 brought heartburn and ds2 gifted me with random nosebleeds.

JaquieFromTheBlock Thu 19-Jan-17 16:15:16

Men eh, just don't get it

You are doing well OP xx hugs xx

Ewock Thu 19-Jan-17 16:21:41

That is not okay for him to behave like that. My 1st pregnancy was a dream, my 2nd however was awful form 28 weeks onwards. Heartburn, pgp, various worries about the baby, huge amount of excess fluid so walking was hard heck sitting, walking and standing all hard. Some days I just cried out of sheer tiredness with running around after a 3 year old and working ft. I honestly could not have got through without my dh. Your husband should be giving you comfort even if it was a dream pregnancy. You need love and support not someone telling you that you are basically a wimp! The pain form pgp is horrendous so please speak to your mw. Xxx

HandbagCrazy Thu 19-Jan-17 16:22:25

YANBU! Write down what you need and tell him if he doesn't understand it, to go and do some research on what having a baby can do to a woman's body.

It might also help to point out that
1 - You're growing a human
2 - There are no prizes for suffering quietly
3 - you're growing a human
4 - you're married and he should be taking care of dc1 more
5 - You're growing a human
6 - all of MN think you're right

FWIW I have an illness resulting in dizziness, migraines, vertigo and sometimes nausea. We have no dc due to fertility issues and I often feel like crap because of it all. DH actively wants me to be ok, and if that means him carrying something for me, touching me gently in passing, he does it without thinking.

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 19-Jan-17 16:30:35

He sounds lovely, doesn't he? What a mean attitude to you, his wife, who is GROWING AN ENTIRE PERSON. YANBU and he is extremely UR and needs to have the health visitor explain in small words just how much pain and stress and general crapness you are feeling, if he won't believe you about it.

Have flowers and non-nausea inducing cake and also a soothing hug from me, unmumsnettyness be damned.

mumonashoestring Thu 19-Jan-17 16:31:19

He's got you nicely conditioned hasn't he?

You're unwell - potentially requiring him to get off his arse and make things easier for you, or at least expend some effort on being a little nicer to you. But it's easier to dismiss it as 'hypochondria' or 'low pain threshold'. And if you get upset about that, it's dismissed as attention seeking. I've generally found that anyone who finds others 'weak' is usually using that to justify doing nothing to help anyone but themselves.

I suggest you let him do what he's good at - look out for himself - and more or less ignore anything he might need from you. If he complains, tell him you have a much lower 'selfish cunt' threshold this pregnancy and it's unlikely to rise by much once little one is here.

nutbrownhare15 Thu 19-Jan-17 16:35:08

Have a look at for the pgp. YANBU. I agree that he seems very cold. I would be having a serious talk with him about his attitude and ask him if he would like to stay married.

hackmum Thu 19-Jan-17 16:49:12

Maybe you could test his pain threshold by kneeing him in the groin a few times?

When he's doubled up on the floor in agony, you could say, "Oh. Quite low, I see."

pinkunicornsarefluffy Thu 19-Jan-17 16:51:36

Please get yourself some crutches, even though it's not long to go.

I had SPD and it was agonising and it was the reason why I never had a second baby. The consultant actually advised me not to go through it again. I was also induced because of the pain. I quit work 10 weeks early and was on crutches for 3 months before the birth.

If you are 8.5 months, then thankfully there is not long to go, but i would still mention it to your midwife and get it noted on your records as it should be considered when you are in labour.

Thankfully the agony will ease more or less instantly after you give birth, although it doesn't for everyone. I still get twinges now, 10 years on, when I have my period.

As for your "D"H, well he is a dick. I would do as little as possible for him from now on, on the grounds that you can barely walk. I would point out to him that every pregnancy is different and that this has been an extremely difficult one. From now on , look after yourself and let him do everything else.

When I was pregnant, my then DH took over all the washing and hoovering because of the SPD because that is what a caring man does!

The80sweregreat Thu 19-Jan-17 16:55:34

what was his upbringing like? were his parents the sort to think anyone is a wimp unless they were practically at death's door? ( my in laws are like this)
Apart from having a serious talk to him there isn't much you can do really. You need support not criticism. Could you ask him to come with you to see the GP about the pelvic pain? maybe this will convince him that your not making it up ( I know your not, but hearing it from someone else might help him to understand?) I hope he is a bit more supportive when there are 4 of you! ( good luck with the rest of the pregnancy)

PurpleOneWithTheNutIn Thu 19-Jan-17 17:17:06

You are not in any way being unreasonable. Pps have already stated the reasons - you are growing a human and in pain!

My last pregnancy I had the same pain and was on crutches. It was agony. I also had placenta previa and bled twice, was put on bed rest at 20 weeks. I got told to man up and it became like I couldn't say anything as he had it worse, I was making a fuss apparently. He is now my ex. It got worse and worse and it became obvious he didn't give a shiny shit about me.

If he won't listen to you or even pay you any kindness he sounds like a nob and doesn't deserve you.

I hope you can get a physio referral, that helped me.

defoLosingIt Thu 19-Jan-17 19:20:24

Thank you so much for all your kind words. "Cold" pretty much hits the nail on the head to be honest. Just seems to be nothing there any more. To give him credit he is working very long hours at the moment, home about 6:15 and will then do another 2 hours at home every night as studying independently. I fully support this and know it's hugely difficult. However... A little compassion doesn't take much effort or energy. Came to a head once before in November and I told him it can't go on like this but we seem to be back there... I'm tempted to just show him this thread. DS has nits at the moment and I'm also tempted to brush his hair with DH's brush!!!

dontbesillyhenry Thu 19-Jan-17 19:24:09

Sorry to hear this some men almost seem to become a bit jealous and resentful towards their other half during pregnancy. My DH was a bit like this because I've always been a coper he couldn't seem to deal with me being in pain and vulnerable

humblesims Thu 19-Jan-17 19:26:54

AIBU to want to punch him in the face?!?!

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