should i say yes you have offended me?

[Mossop17]

ok story so far: i have a very unreliable friend (has rescheduled 14 times for one meet up, we live in the same town), who recently got engaged. At the engagment party we were told guests had to pay for the food. We were not told before hand and only found out once we were there, and were not impressed. The wedding invite has arrived and is mid afternoon and kids not invited, its on a school day so would mean lots of organising for childcare and DH taking a days holiday to be there, so we decided not to go. She then questioned were we away and would we like to go just to the evening party, ive told her we are away but we arent, i dont want to fork out outfits and gifts to go to a wedding where i will only know the bride and DH and feel like being asked again is to make up numbers!

Ive been invited to the hen meal, i wont know anyone else there and my MIL is coming to stay that day to help us with childcare over the weekend as me and DH are going away for the night, so ive said i cant go. loads of others arent going either as we were on a group chat thing.

Ive now had a message asking if she has offended us, id love to reply with yes how can you invite people to a party and tell them on the invite that there will be food and then expect them to pay for it once there! to make things worse it was her fathers pub! or shall i just go with a no everythings fine response! argh am i being unreasonable for feeling peed off at this? wwyd??

[EweAreHere]

I think you should be honest with her.

Tell her you are her friend, but it was incredibly rude to invite people to a party, and then tell everyone they'd have to pay for their own food once they were there ... and in her own family's pub to boot! It was like they were making a profit on her party. That's not a party.

And now she expects people to attend an afternoon wedding on a weekday, when people work. Not easy for most people to do, so might not be willing, especially after the 'party' that wasn't really a party.

I imagine she's had a lot of 'nos' to her wedding/evening party.

[Cheerybigbottom]

If you are honest with her it may give her some time to change plans, if a lot of people are replying no to her hen party and wedding she may in the long term appreciate the opportunity. However, I think she will shoot the messenger.

[steppemum]

hmmm, the thing is, the first thing (having to pay for food) and the rest are unconnected.
She is asking if you are offended because you aren't going to the wedding, and the hen do, nothing to do with the engagement party.
Or are you so cross over the engagement party that you aren't going to the wedding?
i dont want to fork out outfits and gifts to go to a wedding where i will only know the bride
this just sounds a bit mean. She just wants people to come to her wedding!

[steppemum]

agree the engagement party was pretty bad form. Has it annoyed everyone that much that they are backing out of the wedding?

agree about telling her weekday wedding just doesn't work.

[WellErrr]

Yes.

But it's about much sacking off her whole wedding over it.

[Starlight2345]

I am not sure I would bother...You don't feel close enough to go to her wedding so can only assume you are not close enough she will want to hear the home truths from and listen.

[Aderyn2016]

I'd ditch her anyway. She sounds like a crap friend, flaky and expecting other people to finance her events.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Difficult. I wouldn't say everything is fine, but wedding planning is not the time when you want to hear 'You're a flake who made me pay to come to her engagement party and I don't want to put myself out any further for you' either.

I always go when I see this on here, but...... you don't sound like you like her tbh. Keep it vague and fade out.

[JaxingJump]

I personally think you have been a terrible friend to her subsequent to the etiquette faux pas she made with the food at the party issue. You've made quite an effort to avoid celebrating her hen and wedding with her. I'd personally be quite offended that you very obviously couldn't be bothered.

She shouldn't have sprung the party food on you.....how did it happen by the way, was there stuff out and then she asked you for s contribution? Or did you order food thinking it was provided as it was a party? To be honest if my friend had an engagement party that was a sit down meal I'd expect to pay for myself.

[BillSykesDog]

When you say 'pay for the food' what form did this take? Did they lay on a buffet especially for the party and ask for money before you ate? Or was there no food at all at the party unless you bought off the pub menu?

[dollydaydream114]

But the reason you don't want to go to hen do or the wedding is because you have other plans and/or can't sort childcare, right? That's not really connected to the food issue at the engagement party - even if the engagement party hadn't been weird, you would still probably not have been able to make the wedding and still wouldn't fancy the hen do much, right?

I think I would be inclined to say 'No, not offended - but we already had other plans that we can't really change, sorry' and leave it that.

I'm not really sure why you're friends at all to be honest. If you don't have any other friends in common and you feel like you're only being invited to the wedding 'to make up the numbers', you're obviously not particularly close and perhaps the friendship's just run its natural course.

[Mossop17]

the party food was a BBQ and you had to buy a ticket for x amount of items, there was no mention of this on the invite, we would have still gone if we had known, but to find out when you are already there did annoy us. We are not particularly close and have no mutual friends. I wouldnt say ive gone out of my way not to go to the hen meal or the wedding. The hen falls on a weekend im busy and the wedding is a school day and not overly local to us so collecting kids and depositing them elsewhere isnt an option. They were also upset that they arent invited. Also if you are invited to something and say sorry i cant make it, would you expect to be challenged on that?

[unfortunateevents]

I would respond and say that you are genuinely away for the hen party and that is why you cannot attend but it may be that some others are not attending because they are wary of more unexpected expense being heaped on them as happened at the engagement party.

[PigletJohn]

Certainly don't say "no no everythings fine." It's not up to you to lie.

You can say "sorry, it turned out not to be suitable" or you can rant on, it's up to you.

[Bluntness100]

I wouldn't no, I'd assume the charge for food was due to finances, maybe they thought they could afford it and worked out they couldn't. As for the weekday wedding, I don't think uou can criticise that, if she wants to get married on a weekday it's her call and if she is saying no kids, again, her call, just say no she hasn't offended you, but you are struggling with child care and have anither arrangement. You don't sound like you like her anyway.

[FilledSoda]

If you tell her everything she might apologise and then you will feel like maybe you should make an effort to go to the wedding or evening do.
That isn't really a helpful scenario for you.
Say nothing and everything stays how you want it.

[Mossop17]

thanks for all responses i will explain im busy on the hen so cant make it, and stick with my original story for the wedding, ill suggest meeting for a coffee at some point to catch up

[girlywhirly]

I would be wondering, if I'd been to the engagement party and was also invited to the wedding, whether guests would be expected to put their hands in their pockets for food at the reception!

OP, you are entitled to refuse an invitation, for whatever reason you choose. It isn't any of the brides business why you can't attend her hen or wedding.

You are away for the hen do night, truthfully. I'd say to her sorry we can't attend your wedding as we already have plans; but has she considered that a midweek wedding, no kids allowed will be difficult for lots of people because of childcare and getting time off work issues? And that some people might wonder whether they will need to pay for their own food at the reception?

If she decided to change the wedding date to a week-end and allow DC, would you be more inclined to attend?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I would go with:

Offended? No, not offended. I presume you're asking me this because I have chosen not to attend your wedding or your hen night. I mean this kindly but you are not the centre of my world. I can't attend these events because there are other things in my life that have priority.

Your hen night coincides with my MIL coming to help me with childcare, as you know DH and I are going away that weekend. I consider it very rude to have her come to help me and I'm not there, I'm out. SO I'm choosing not to be rude to my MIL and to spend that time with her.

Your wedding is midweek, on a school day, kids not invited. So we'd have to arrange time off work, childcare for the kids - when we looked at the logistics it just couldn't be done. So, we declined your invitation.

However, since you bring it up, there are a couple of things that have annoyed me recently. I would have appreciated knowing in advance that I was expected to pay for my food at your engagement party before actually getting there. Thankfully I did have enough money on me. Also, we finally got together for a catch-up on dd/mm/yy. Are you aware that you rescheduled that get-together FOURTEEN times before it actually happened? That did leave me feeling that I was very low down in your priorities.

So, although I cannot be there for your wedding, please know that my best wishes and thoughts will be with you both on the day.

Lots of love, Mossop17

PS Hope we can get together once you're back from honeymoon


You might not feel comfortable with that third paragraph, but IMO if she's informed that particular behaviours piss people off, there may be a chance that she won't do it again. Depends on whether she's thoughtless or just a git.

[pipsqueak25]

sorry but tbh, in a lot of ways she doesn't even sound like a friend ! she has let you down in the past, doesn't communicate with you very well, makes you feel that you are making the numbers up unless i've got my head up my backside i don't get why others are commenting the way they are, dolly, makes sense imo

[Megatherium]

Another one here who wonders whether she's chasing you up because she wants you to help pay for reception.

[lovelearning]

loads of others arent going either as we were on a group chat thing.

Mossop17, rather than gossiping, why didn't you say it to her face?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

PP saying that these things are unconnected, they're not though. With people like this, little things add up to you feeling that you dont really want to put yourself out for them.

She probably wont connect the bad feeling of being cancelled 14 times with you not wanting to make the effort for her wedding, because she hasnt clocked on that if you treat someone else as being of no importance often enough, they will start to treat you the same way.

"Not offended but slightly surprised that you expect me to put your events as top priority when you have never treated me with the same respect. FYI, it was very bad form to tell people on the night that they would have to pay for food at your engagement party. Its accepted that either you pay for the food, you dont have food or you at least warn people in advance that if they want to eat then they will need to pay. Best of luck with the wedding."

She will be mortally offended and you never have to see her again. Job done!

[Chewbecca]

Assume you wouldn't have gone to wedding even if kids were invited though as they'd be at school?

I wouldn't go mad listing every slight she's done but I would say simply sorry and

• can't make then hen as DH and I are already out that night
  
• can't make the wedding due to timing/location

[JaxingJump]

This is clearly not a friendship.

I would expect to be challenged by a friend if I declined both their hen and wedding and didn't call up at the same time to tell them I was gutted and explain clearly why we couldn't make it. I'd expect both me and the friend to be disappointed. I would also definitely attend the evening. You just don't want to shell out for an outfit or a gift, that is clear.

So it's totally fine not to want to go and not care enough about this person to go, your choice, but don't dress it up as you are too offended to go because of the engagement party.

I would call her and apologise for missing her big day and give a very good reason why you can't make the hen, the wedding or the evening do (lie if necessary). I would also send a gift.