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Schoolfriend just asked my daughter to steal for her

(45 Posts)
SundialShadow Thu 19-Jan-17 08:04:11

I am raging!

I just heard my daughter on the phone to the girl she walks home from school with.

Basically the other girl was telling her to go into school early and steal a scissors from the art room for this girl to use in maths later.

Apparently another 3rd girl lost the scissors after she borrowed them to open a stuck zip. They are special left-handed she cannot just use any other conventional pair as a replacement.

Scissor girl has a lot of form for turning up in lessons without the right books, pens and other equipment.

In the school they both go to, stealing is an excludable offence.

I have told my daughter in no uncertain terms to go nowhere near the art room and that real friends do not ask you to steal for them, no matter what.

There is another dynamic at work here in that she is finding it difficult to make the same sort of caring friendships she was used to before she went to primary school and is a little bit lonely so willing to take up with "friends" who are really not that at all.

What would you do? Complaining to the school or this girls parents seems a bit over the top.

Trifleorbust Thu 19-Jan-17 08:12:39

It does. 'Stealing' from other kids at school isn't on the same level as taking scissors for Maths. This is more like borrowing school equipment. Your daughter obviously shouldn't do this but it is not really 'stealing' in terms of the intent behind it.

SundialShadow Thu 19-Jan-17 08:16:58

If the intent is so innocent, why isn't scissors girl doing it herself? It's because she knows bloody well that being caught in a room that she is not supposed to be in pilfering school equipment will get her excluded.

Lilmisskittykat Thu 19-Jan-17 08:25:48

It's stealing exactly for the reason op says. If it was borrowing you would ask the owner

Trifleorbust Thu 19-Jan-17 08:34:43

SundialShadow: I'm not saying she isn't being sneaky. I just don't see it as stealing as such.

BarbarianMum Thu 19-Jan-17 08:38:47

I can see why you are worried but I remember this sort of not very healthy friendship being reasonably common at this age (egging other people on to shift was a favourite hmm). It's an age when kids are very heavily influenced by her peers.

You need to have serious words with your dd about boundaries and saying no to friends (no use saying they are not really her friends imo because likely they are, they must have shitty boundaries too). And reinforce her self confidence in any way you can - it's a horrible age for thinking that you are not as good/trendy/fashionable/popular/mature etc as other people.

BarbarianMum Thu 19-Jan-17 08:39:19

Egging other people on to shop lift

WhiteCaribou Thu 19-Jan-17 08:44:13

While totally agreeing that it is very wrong to try to persuade your daughter to do anything that, even if it's not stealing in the strictest sense, is obviously against school rules - the other thing I don't understand is why anyone desperately needs left handed scissors. I'm left handed and I've never in my life used left handed scissors, never had any trouble using ordinary ones (in fact I wasn't aware they existed).

Clandestino Thu 19-Jan-17 09:16:00

So the third girl lost a pair of scissors and her friend wants your DD to steal another pair so she can return them to the lender like nothing has happened?
Btw, I'm left-handed and have always used the normal scissors.

Nemosnemsis Thu 19-Jan-17 09:29:50

We used to always nick stuff from the stationary cupboard and so on. I'm not saying it's right, but it's not in the same league as stealing from shops or fellow students etc. I'd have a word with your dd to make sure she knows to refuse this and all future similar requests, and leave it at that - as long as the other girl accepts no means no.

SundialShadow Thu 19-Jan-17 09:30:33

Thanks for the info about left handed scissors not being necessary. Being right-handed, I just presumed that they were a necessity for lefties.

What happened is that left handed scissor girl (LHSG) loaned her scissors to another girl so she could pull down a stuck zip. My daughter was one of the group of girls in the general area while this was going on.

For some reason this morning, LHSG rang my daughter asking her to sneak into the art room and steal her another pair of scissors in time for maths or LHSG would be in trouble for not having the right equipment.... again.

I suggested my daughter brought a spare pair of scissors to school to share and that is where the whole "she needs left handed scissors" came out

SundialShadow Thu 19-Jan-17 09:35:15

I had the chat this morning to tell her that good friends do not ask you to steal or do things that will get you in trouble.

Would Cee ask you to steal? (Good friend at another school)
Would you ask her to steal?
So if LHSG asks you to steal, is she a good friend?

I feel shit about the whole thing.

WhiteCaribou Thu 19-Jan-17 09:35:51

As an aside on the subject of left handedness - the only specially produced thing I've ever found actually necessary is a left handed (or dual sided) potato peeler. The blade on a right handed one is angled wrong and won't cut. A left handed cheque book is handy but not necessary. As far as I'm concerned anything else specially made for lefties is a money making excercise for the producer.

WhiteCaribou Thu 19-Jan-17 09:40:18

Forgot to add That although you obviously feel bad maybe this, a relatively low key incident as opposed to shoplifting/drugs/alcohol etc, is a good life lesson for your DD on how so called friends can try to manipulate you and how to deal with it.

SundialShadow Thu 19-Jan-17 09:48:32

I feel bad because this girl has seen something in my daughter that makes her realise she is so needy for friends in her new school she would do something like this.

I also made my daughter cry whilst telling her this person was not a good friend knowing she feels lonely in her new school.

As an aside, you should.enter the medical profession. Got cancer? Never mind, you have your legs/arms/head.grinsmilegrin

fruityb Thu 19-Jan-17 09:53:39

My mum had to use left handed scissors and I've used left handed notebooks and check books as I found it difficult to write in others.

I had a girl like this at school try to get me to do stuff for her. A firm no and a get lost worked eventually.

kaitlinktm Thu 19-Jan-17 09:59:29

I am beginning to see why so many kids used to think it was OK to steal equipment off me when I was a teacher, even though I paid for it myself. Obviously it only counts if you take it from a friend or a shop. hmm

WhatchaMaCalllit Thu 19-Jan-17 10:00:36

Aside from the stealing/borrowing aspect, what am I missing that scissors would be used during Maths class?

I'd do whatever I could to persuade my daughter that if she were to do as her 'friend' asked, I'd be so disappointed with her and would find it very hard to stop myself going into the school and having a word with her teacher (form teacher/year head) letting them know what I know.

Hopefully your daughter will be independent enough to realise that doing as her 'friend' has asked is wrong and she wont do it.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Thu 19-Jan-17 10:02:14

You should remind her what Dumbledore says to Neville Longbottom, OP - it takes courage to stand up to our enemies, but even more to stand up to our friends ( or something like that!).

The scissors thing isn't great, although I agree with PP that it's not the worst thing. It sounds like your DD realises that now.

My only concern would be that she knows you really don't want her around this girl anymore, so if they do stay friends at school and the girl requests something like this again, she won't feel that she can tell you about it? Maybe make it clear you won't be cross but you want to support her to keep being true to herself? Just a thought.

corythatwas Thu 19-Jan-17 10:02:30

"I feel bad because this girl has seen something in my daughter that makes her realise she is so needy for friends in her new school she would do something like this."

I wouldn't worry too much about this: this girl didn't actually get it right did she? Your dd preferred not to steal. So no reason to treat this particular girl as an oracle imho.

Besides, most people go through a vulnerable stage sooner or later when they might well be perceived as needy: even if it was right, it doesn't mean it will last. Dd found it difficult to make friends in Yr 7, but did a lot better after that. I was lonely in secondary, but had a much better time in Sixth Form. What would have helped me at the time was somebody to point out that these things go in phases and a bleak patch doesn't define you forever.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer Thu 19-Jan-17 10:03:12

Hardly stealing, I'm assuming the scissors will stay in the school no harm done it's a pair of scissors ffs.

WhiteCaribou Thu 19-Jan-17 10:04:30

Was the "got cancer?" remark addressed to me? Please don't think for one second that I'm belittling your feelings or those of your daughter, I'm sure you are both really upset by this and if your daughter is struggling with friendships it must be a horrible shock to her. I think (hope) you've misunderstood me. What I was trying to say is that although this is obviously very distressing, as she gets older she may find situations where she is under pressure to do things which could have more serious consequences and if this experience teaches her something about how manipulative people can be and how to be aware then that might just be a little bit of silver lining in a very difficult situation.

neolara Thu 19-Jan-17 10:04:59

It's possible that the asking girl is not a major criminal in the making, but is just a young girl who has got herself in a bit of a situation who lacks the necessary problem solving skills to deal with things appropriately. Obviously asking your dd to nick / borrow the scissors is a bad idea. However, kids often pursue bad ideas because they lack the imagination to think of better ideas, often because no-one has taught them problem-solving skills.

There's an approach called social problem solving where you ask kids to generate lots and lots of different ways to deal with particular problems. For example, in your situation, ideas might be: ask you dd to steal the scissors, own up to the teachers, tell her mum and ask for help sorting this out, buy some new scissors from her pocket money, offer to pay the school back 10p a week, etc. Then you ask the child to think about the advantages and disadvantages of all the ideas. E.g. - if you did ask dd to steal the scissors what might happen? Dd might be caught and excluded. If this happened, dd will hate "asking friend" and friend would also get into trouble. Friend might also be excluded. Friend's mum will be furious. If friend asks dd to steal the scissors and dd's mum overhears, dd's mum will go mad and possibly ban dd from talking with friend etc. Then ask them to consider if the proposed action is a good idea and one that is worth pursuing. Do similar for all the other solutions. Once all the ideas have been thought about, choose the best one.

WorraLiberty Thu 19-Jan-17 10:08:05

I suggested my daughter brought a spare pair of scissors to school to share and that is where the whole "she needs left handed scissors" came out

Which would be an immediate exclusion in many schools.

BarbarianMum Thu 19-Jan-17 10:11:50

Really Worra? Why?

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