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To not send stbxh a birthday card?

(15 Posts)
GoldenOrb Wed 18-Jan-17 22:56:41

We separated last year, getting divorced and not especially amicable. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he was EA.

He's got a "big" birthday coming up. Aibu to not send a card? The kids will send one, but they don't know what to get him as a present either and I'm struggling to help with ideas or really giving a shit in general

littlemissangrypants Wed 18-Jan-17 23:11:24

My ex was horrible and abusive too. I used to help our sons buy him presents and cards. Both sons are teenagers now so buy their own presents for people. We (dp and myself) have carried on buying separate Christmas cards and gifts and birthday things.
In return my partner never got anything and I only got things I was allergic to like nutty chocolates and scented bath things. This year ex didn't even bother with that anymore so we got no gifts and no card. We sent stuff as usual but won't bother next year.
I always tried my best to be nice and treat him as a member of the kids family but now they are older I am done. He's a pretty shit dad too and rarely bothers seeing the kids.
Basically what I'm trying to say is get a generic boring gift if you must but he probably won't do the same back. Do you want to be the bigger person or are you not fussed?

followTheyellowbrickRoad Wed 18-Jan-17 23:21:19

I wouldn't send him one. Not a chance in hell. How old are the children?

flumpybear Wed 18-Jan-17 23:25:12

Fuck him!! .... so no, i wouldn't be arsed!!!

HeddaGarbled Wed 18-Jan-17 23:26:19

Definitely no card from you.

How old are the children? Could they ask him what he wants? Could they just make him something rather than buy him something? Or get some sort of photo gift with a photo of them on? So it's personal but doesn't involve a lot of money or effort on your part.

Lilacpink40 Wed 18-Jan-17 23:28:09

I like flumpy's reply.

MillionToOneChances Wed 18-Jan-17 23:32:51

Let the kids make him something. Decorate mugs with ceramics pens (then bake to fix) or something. You don't need to mark the occasion yourself.

GoldenOrb Thu 19-Jan-17 07:41:54

Ok good, that makes me feel better!

KathArtic Thu 19-Jan-17 08:04:07

Get him a lovely framed photo of the kids (and a partial shot of yourself....an arm or leg or side of your head) grin

Jaynebxl Thu 19-Jan-17 08:08:25

I wouldn't send him a card from me but I would help the dc to mark the occasion. My dm never encouraged my relationship with my df post divorce and it was really hard. So help them get him an ok present and a card just from them.

heidiwine Thu 19-Jan-17 08:40:28

If you take the time to help your children choose an appropriate gift for their dad you are showing them that, even though you and he are no longer together, you are there to help them with the things that are difficult for them. You are showing them that their relationship with their dad is important to you and that doesn't change because you're no longer together. You are also teaching them about giving and the pleasure in giving.

I'm afraid I disagree with the posters who say sod it. As a step parent I have seen the awkwardness (and sadness) of a child who is giving their dad something inappropriate (verging on unkind) and I have seen the excitement of a young child when giving a gift that has been carefully selected (and will be appreciated by the parent).

Here are some options:
- The children could choose a photo of them and him (not one where you've been cut out) and get something done with it - a canvas, a mug, a mousemat - let them choose and they can personalise it with happy 40th daddy (or whatever)
- tickets for a local family thing that they can do together (theatre, outdoor centre etc.) - again get the children to choose from a list (or between two things they really like doing)
- some sort of generic dad merchandise (but not the sexist dad's stinky socks etc stuff)

You might not enjoy doing any of this. You might think that your ex doesn't deserve it (and you might be right) but your children will benefit if you are the better person and if he's a shit they'll know (when they're grown up) that you didn't do anything to actively damage their relationship with their dad.

heidiwine Thu 19-Jan-17 08:41:40

... and of course you don't need to send him a card and you shouldn't if you don't want to!

EveOnline2016 Thu 19-Jan-17 08:44:22

I would from the dc but not from yourself.

I don't think the card companies does a 'happy birthday bastard I glad your from my life' card anyway

MLGs Thu 19-Jan-17 08:46:01

I would (and did) help the kids to choose a present from stbxh in similar circumstances, for their sake not for his.

Obviously not if you think it would lead to, enable, encourage more EA behaviour from him though. If you need to keep away from him completely, so no contact of any kind, then you do that.

Ladygaggia Thu 19-Jan-17 11:04:39

My exH doesn't get anything as he doesn't see or support the kids
I did see on Facebook a card that said

One year older! Still a wanker

Really considered sending it to him for his 50th, but decided against
grin

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