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Low confidence, but DH has such high expectations

(166 Posts)
DogTiredWife Wed 18-Jan-17 22:38:23

I'm a regular on here, however NCed because this post is very personal. I've been married to DH for six and a half years, we have two DC. DH has a good job earns over £150k per year( in a good year teice that). He has always made it clear he wants our DC to go to private school and now our second child is coming up to that age. We live in London. I have been a SAHM for the last five years. I literally do everything at home and am totally financially dependent on him. Before the DC I worked and earned about £32k a year. However when we met I had some debts quite large ones after being made reundant several times, helping my brother during the recession, a bad friendship with an alcoholic friend who I was too weak to say no too and I had depression, and paid for a hiludau with DH. DH works long hours, mocks me, never does anything for the children, and gives me very little money (£1000 a month) I know to some people this is loads, but we live in huge house in London, he eats like a horse and has loads of allergies and expects me to pay for car maintaince, street parking outside the house £220 per annum, food (read fancy cheese, organic stuff), presents for his family usually £50 a pop, phone and broadband, kids presents, dinner parties, clothes, petrol, any handymen or plumbers and it's an old house so stuff goes wrong often. He pays the mortgage and utilities. But I'm not on the house deeds, it's for the most part paid off. He also has a flat he owns and rents out, I manage the tenants. He is never around in the evenings because he is at work I do everything with the kids, I rarely go out in the evenings, I never feel I can count on him on Saturday's he lies in till 11 then likes to go out yo fancy restaurants for lunch. He rarely plays with the kids but when he does he is good but it's easy to be good when you only do it two hours a week. I cook from scratch everyday, do all housework get up with the kids, always put them to bed etc. He is also a heavy drinker and drinks about half to a whole bottle of wine a night. Awhile back he told me he just has a low libido and maybe it will come back but basically he's not interested, I feel hurt but tbh I've gone off him because he humiliates me. I will never be as clever or earn as much as him, but now he says I must get a proper job by September so I can pay one set of school fees, I'm happy to work but I feel division of money is quite uneven if I have to pay school fees probably around £20000 a year when you factor in uniforms, transport and school lunches. AIBU to think this is all a bit unfair. He also has lots of savings, investments and a big pension pot. He cancelled the joint accpunt because he thought I was having a negative impact on his credit rating. When I say joint account he put money in and never used it but kept track on everything I spent and ig I had toask for extra money he makes me grovel, when we opened it he said, if you need more just ask but it hasn't been like that.

Sorry about the long ramble but do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit taken aback about paying one set of school fees? I know I'll still do everything else at home too, I don't know where to start with a job he always laughs at what I say, patronizes me and I hust feel soo useless.

sakura06 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:44:31

That sounds awful. Sorry I've not got any good advice, but YANBU.

DonaldStott Wed 18-Jan-17 22:44:34

Get all financial paperwork together. Go and see a solicitor. Prepare to ltb. You will be a lot better off and ypur life will be easier, not skivvying around after that pathetic excuse of a 'husband'.

Trifleorbust Wed 18-Jan-17 22:45:50

Leave him, he sounds vile.

Ikeameatballs Wed 18-Jan-17 22:46:01

Divorce him. You'll be happier and better off.

lastqueenofscotland Wed 18-Jan-17 22:49:16

I think I have only ever said this once before in my time on MN but LTB

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Jan-17 22:49:30

I would leave him. He brings you nothing but unhappiness. He seems to make it his goal in life to make you unhappy, what's more. Leave him. Get the best solicitor you can (he certainly will) and never live with him again.

Imagine a life without him. Wouldn't it be wonderful?

Gallavich Wed 18-Jan-17 22:49:54

Divorce the fucker and get a job. You'll get enough equity to get a small flat and he'll have to pay maintenance/school fees if he wants them in private school.

Lovewineandchocs Wed 18-Jan-17 22:50:02

I agree with Donald-you'll be much better off, financially and emotionally, when you have got rid of him. A divorce on unreasonable behaviour grounds sounds feasible here-go and see a solicitor asap.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Jan-17 22:50:15

I think I have only ever said this once before in my time on MN but LTB

Which threads are you reading? I say it at least twice a day and have never regretted saying it!

JaxingJump Wed 18-Jan-17 22:50:22

Definitely life would be better without him. You would also get more than £1000/month most likely but not have to pay for his shit out of that.

You are being very badly abused.

kimann Wed 18-Jan-17 22:52:25

Hello! Sorry you feel this way sad - will PM you as my response is going to be super long but I know a little of how you feel, so can relate. Hope you feel better soon. flowers

lastqueenofscotland Wed 18-Jan-17 22:52:30

Imperial I avoid relationship threads in the main!!!

DelphiniumBlue Wed 18-Jan-17 22:53:43

I hope he actually is DH and not DP, so that you do actually have an interest in the house, savings and pension pot.
Sounds like he is very mean, both financially and emotionally.
If you do go back to work ( which I would recommend as you may want to put yourself in a more independent position) it is up to you how you spend your wages. It is not for him to dictate.
I'm guessing childcare costs would come out of your wage packet too?
He's not exactly a prince, is he?
You'd be better off financially without him I reckon. ( Starting point half the marital assets plus maintenance for the children and possibly for you as well, at least for enough time to enable you to find a job/retrain). So what are your reasons for staying with him? He sounds a nasty piece of work, belittling you, abusing you financially and a heavy drinker to boot!

girlelephant Wed 18-Jan-17 22:54:00

This is not a partnership & sounds abusive. Not only do you deserve better but your children will pick up on this as normal.

Please know you deserve more and leave 💐

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 18-Jan-17 22:54:48

He sees you as the maid. This is not a marriage, not a partnership.

Leave him.

AntiGrinch Wed 18-Jan-17 22:54:50

LTB. and it doesn't matter whose name the house is in, because you are married.

School fees are the least of your worries. Just get out with the dcs and have a nice life.

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 18-Jan-17 22:55:04

There is a very, vert straight-forward solution to your woes.

Leave the bastard.

You'll be vastly happier, and better off. Win win.


Wineloffa Wed 18-Jan-17 22:56:31

I think you should leave him too. He sounds like an asshole, you'd be happier without him.

Clankboing Wed 18-Jan-17 22:56:31

Oh no, he sounds financially and emotionally abusive, treats you like a skivvy and is an arse too. You'd be better off back on 32K in the cheaper north of the country, in a cheap rental, sending your kids to a state school. I know it perhaps is easier said than done. Do you love each other?

PovertyJetset Wed 18-Jan-17 22:56:46

Financial abuse.

kittybiscuits Wed 18-Jan-17 22:57:03

He sounds fucking horrible. This cannot be an okay life for you and your DCs.

Catlady1976 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:57:23

You would be far better off without him op. Ltb from me.

DogTiredWife Wed 18-Jan-17 23:00:08

Thanks I think I just needed some confirmation that I'm not being silly, we are married thank goodness, and I know if we do get divorced he will fight tooth and nail. It's scary, I've got a networking thing planned next week and I love the DC to bits, l just need to get a bit of self respect back. I've no idea about getting divorced and have no family except the DC. Writing this has made me cry, I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight.

Freakbag Wed 18-Jan-17 23:01:36

This situation sounds awful. It's like he's just carried on regardless like a single adult.

Leave him!

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