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Not to allow Ds to be ring bearer?

(48 Posts)
hellooscar Wed 18-Jan-17 18:34:55

My partner brother is getting married in may this year.
They have asked that are DS (1) there ring bearer at the time I was happy with this and agreed.
Other Christmas we stayed with the in-laws and partner brother was also there. Other the period of three weeks the brother was spiteful towards are DS on two occasions.
On both occasions he did the same thing which made DS cry and then laughed at himangry.
I may be overreacting but it has really annoyed to the extent that I don't even want to be in the same room as the brother (haven't seen him since).
I don't particularly want to go to the wedding at the moment but feel like we upset other family members that haven't done anything wrong. This is due to other stuff that has been going on for last year. A lot of really petty behaviour.
So how do I go about saying that DS won't be there ring bearer?

originalmavis Wed 18-Jan-17 18:36:15

How old is he?

hellooscar Wed 18-Jan-17 18:37:26

My Ds is 14 months.

paxillin Wed 18-Jan-17 18:39:13

14 months? Mine would as likely have eaten the ring as handed it over. I'd decline on those grounds.

originalmavis Wed 18-Jan-17 18:40:41

He's a bit little to do it really. It will be very stressful on the day just keeping him clean and entertained, let alone do 'this job's.

I assume your bil hasn't got kids/has much experience with kids so didn't know he was being a jackass for teasing a toddler to the point of tears.

HecateAntaia Wed 18-Jan-17 18:40:55

Does your partner agree?

If you and your partner don't want your son to be your partner's brother's ring bearer then you could say we aren't going to allow it because you have shown that you enjoy upsetting our son and that's not acceptable to us.

Or you could say you have decided your son is too young.

Or you could have a chat with him beforehand and talk it through. Maybe he wasnt being spiteful but stupidly thought he was 'playing'

Or let your son do it then come away

TaliDiNozzo Wed 18-Jan-17 18:41:54

I think saying your DS is too young is perfectly valid. What did your partners brother do to your DS, and what did you say to him? Surely he must realise it's not okay.

PotteringAlong Wed 18-Jan-17 18:41:56

14 months?! No way would I give a wedding ring to a 14 month old and expect it to get there in one piece.

PotteringAlong Wed 18-Jan-17 18:42:30

Well, actually, I wouldn't expect him to break it in half, but you get my gist grin

hellooscar Wed 18-Jan-17 18:48:12

He will be around 18 months at the wedding.
He doesn't like kids and makes this clear hasn't gone near him till this happened actually. However at the time it happened DS was happily playing by himself so there was no need to do what he did. He approached DS.
The fact he doesn't have kids is why I didn't say anything the first time round and which is why I was more annoyed the second time when he did the exact same thing and then laughed again.
I think I could've ignored it if it was just the once as well.

DearMrDilkington Wed 18-Jan-17 18:51:47

What did he do to upset your ds?

sonyaya Wed 18-Jan-17 18:54:39

It is totally up to you. If our siblings didn't want their children to play a role in our wedding we would be fine about it - they're not performing seals and wouldn't want them to be scared or uncomfortable doing something for the sake of a cute photo!

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 18-Jan-17 18:57:04

What did he do? My answer is dependent on that.

Bantanddec Wed 18-Jan-17 18:57:21

Just decline, I'm sure they can find someone else to be ring bearer.

Soubriquet Wed 18-Jan-17 19:01:02

What did he do to upset a 14 month old so much?

But yanbu

He's a bit young. Don't think I could even trust my almost 2 year old as he stills puts everything in his mouth

hellooscar Wed 18-Jan-17 19:07:33

He went other to wear he was playing and blocked him into a corner and didn't let him out when he tired to get past him. Even when he was crying he didn't let him past. Only moved when I went to go and pick DS up. He didn't hurt him which is why I think I'm overreacting.
My partner also didn't agree with what he had done and had to leave the room as he was annoyed. However he won't say anything. Which I think would've solved this problem.
The whole having DS as ring bearer I think is just for show as they don't interact with him at all and his brother will happily push him away if he comes up to him. My partner feels we should just allow him to be ring bearer so not to upset anyone.

GrumpyDullard Wed 18-Jan-17 19:08:59

My DD was nearly 2 when she was my DSis's bridesmaid. It was a very formal do and DSis got really annoyed with my DD for fidgeting and not doing as she was told. She looked cute in the photos, though!
Toddlers have the attention span of a goldfish, so it's ridiculous expecting them to do anything sensible. I should have declined, but she was my first, so I didn't really know what to expect. And DSis didn't have any DCs so she didn't know either.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 18-Jan-17 19:09:01

18m is too young to be a ring-bearer so there's your out.

What does your DP think?

DearMrDilkington Wed 18-Jan-17 19:10:42

Was he mucking about pretending he was going to tickle him? Or just keeping him stuck in the corner for the fun of him?

FatOldBag Wed 18-Jan-17 19:12:33

Of course say no. Why on earth would you let your ds anywhere near someone who upsets a 14 month old and thinks it's funny?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 18-Jan-17 19:13:13

Doesn't matter what the BIL was doing. He did something , it made the child cry. He was a twat to do it again. I'd be saying no to ring bearing.

pipsqueak25 Wed 18-Jan-17 19:13:36

for christs sake just say no if you aren't happy about it this bloke sounds a knob anyway.

Strongmummy Wed 18-Jan-17 19:13:58

Not sure you should've agreed in the first place as being a ring bearer at 18 months is far too young. I wouldn't necessarily say he can't do it based on what your brother in law did (which was stupid) as the ring bearing will last all of 5 mins if that, but I might remind your brother in law that he's very young and that it might be better to choose someone else.

BakeOffBiscuits Wed 18-Jan-17 19:14:33

There's always a pain in the arse uncle who thinks its funny to "tease" a young childangry

I wouldnt want your son to be a ring bearer either. Just say you've had second thoughts, when you agreed he wasnt as mobile. Now he's running around he cant be trusted with the ring, or to be where he's supposed to be. That should do it!

hellooscar Wed 18-Jan-17 19:19:23

Just keeping him stuck in the corner he wasn't saying anything to him just using he's arms and legs to block him from moving. Then just started laughing when he was crying and carrying on doing it.
I don't think he was doing it to play with him at all. I would've of been quite happy if he was trying to play with him as he hasn't show any interest in him.
I'm happy to say he's two young and decline to be ring bearer just don't want to cause any disagreements between two brothers.
Although if he was my brother I would've said something about it already.

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