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Gender weirdness. This is so U

(88 Posts)
monkeymamma Wed 18-Jan-17 14:24:11

So I am foolishly thinking about DC3. Someone stop me please. One thing that I feel is holding me back from trying for a hat trick (there are so many good reasons) is gender weirdness. Not how I feel, but how other people feel and their weirdness, I guess.

I have DS1 and 2, they are the best kids I can imagine. I love having boys, to the point that I think I might want to shoot the first (or 100th) person who did the 'oh poor you, three boys!' if I had another boy. I seriously know people who talk about women with 3 boys in hushed, horrified solemn tones, as if this is literally the most tragic thing to ever befall someone. Also as if the women themselves have been irresponsible, fecund and thoughtless in bringing a family of 3 brothers into being. I'm not exaggerating this one little bit. It's ridiculous.

On the same note I am not sure I would be able to handle having a DD for exactly the same reason. I could not bear to expose my two adorable DS to the crapola people would spout about 'oooh you must be so relieved!' 'A girl, thank goodness!' as if the kids I already have are not the biggest blessing there is. As if any kids regardless of gender are not basically the best gift in the world.

I'm sure there will be plenty of replies of 'don't let them bother you/why do you care what other people think/have the family you want', but frankly, they would piss me off. They did when DS2 was born ('oh poor you' - erm, no, lucky me, you dickhead).

I guess my AIBU is, in the context of there being a number of pros and cons to having a 3rd DC, AIBU to let other peoples gender weirdness count as a reason not to do it? Surely IABU. Just tell me how much.

FlyingElbows Wed 18-Jan-17 14:26:14

Why on earth would you waste a second of your life giving a shit about this?

corythatwas Wed 18-Jan-17 14:28:46

Seriously, the times you or your dc will have to listen to gender crapness (if ever) is going to be such a tiny part of the sum total of having another child, of being that other child, of having another sibling, that I would not base any decision on this. Sounds like you're grasping at straws because you can't make your mind up about the only question that matters: DO YOU WANT ANOTHER CHILD OR NOT?

Well, OP- do you?

user1484317265 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:28:48

It's really annoying for a few minutes, but that's all. IT's a terrible reason not to do it.

MrsKoala Wed 18-Jan-17 14:29:33

YABU. I have 2 boys who i adore and got pregnant with a third baby. I was secretly hoping for a boy for all the reasons you said. Then i found out i was expecting a girl and got lots of relieved comments, which was irritating and at first i was secretly disappointed blush . But she is here now and oh. my. god. we all love her so much. Especially the boys. She is worth every single stupid comment (which we all bat back at people). If she had been a boy i would love her the same and tell everyone to fuck off. I do get defensive of my boys, but i would never let peoples comments stop me having as many children as i want.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 18-Jan-17 14:30:12

Ive never understood all that "poor you 3 boys. Children are a blessing. Gender is irreverent. Boys are adorable. Well you know that yourself.
I'd be furious if someone said to me after being graced with such a beautiful baby " poor you".

monkeymamma Wed 18-Jan-17 14:32:13

cory ha ha you're right YES I DO!!!!!

Mmmm, babies. Dammit!

But seriously... it pissed me off for more than a few minutes when people did it with DS2. Not enough to make me not want him though, the scrumptious little blighter.

So by that logic... we should have another, right?

Bluntness100 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:32:29

You're seriously making a decision on whether you would like a third child based on this?

I'm sorry but that's a very weird way to decide something so major based on something so minor and insignificant.🙄

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 18-Jan-17 14:32:45

I remember talking to a mum who had 4 boys and she was pregnant with her 5th child, and someone asked her. Are you hoping for a girl this time, and. Her reply was "No. I want another boy. I'm used to boys. I wouldn't know what to do with a girl

TheNaze73 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:32:48

In the grander scheme of things, I think it's irrelevant, surely?

monkeymamma Wed 18-Jan-17 14:34:18

Mrs Koala I think you know where I'm coming from.

I think I just need to develop a very assertive way to greet these types of comment, because I am still upset with the times my DS1 had to hear 'oh you must want a girl this time' when I was preggers with his brother.

IAmAGnu Wed 18-Jan-17 14:34:21

I have one of each and would quite like a third. All I get from people is "oh lucky you, one of each, you are all done now!"

What if I am not done? What if I want another? Nobody told me I was just collecting a set!

MuseumGardens Wed 18-Jan-17 14:36:16

Not what you want to hear but i would just try and change how you respond to it. I have two girls and when the youngest was a baby a man asked whether she was a boy or girl. I said girl and he said "Never mind, you might have a boy next time." I just found it funny as it was such a silly thing to say and I am happy with my girls so didn't let it bother me. Obviously if they were rude in such a way that your boys would understand then say something to put them in their place.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 18-Jan-17 14:37:12

The weirdness will last all of 0.5 second and is easily ignored. I don't think people mean it anyway, they're just looking for something to say, and "you bred. Well done" probably sounds a little PA. The only thing differentiating newborns is their genetalia really, so people make conversation about that.

Don't let it away your decision making.

People who actually "keep trying for a girl/boy" are very few and far between I think. It's a bit weird.

Bluntness100 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:39:01

>>I am still upset with the times my DS1 had to hear 'oh you must want a girl this time' when I was preggers with his brother.<<

How many years ago was that? I'd say it was fairly unusual to be still upset. Whenever I've heard people say stuff like this it's generally they are trying to make conversation.

Soubriquet Wed 18-Jan-17 14:42:07

You're going to have the perfect the "oh do fuck off" look.

Good luck OP

I'm desperate for another one but can't really have one. The risk of me being permanently disabled is too high. So dh has a vasectomy booked tomorrow and it's killing me

MyWhatICallNameChange Wed 18-Jan-17 14:47:00

I still get the rage when I think of the people who told me my darling newborn baby must be a disappointment and that they were fed up with boys and I should send him back, and he's 9 now! And my 5th boy.

One of the comments was from a stranger and one was from family who were obsessed with me having a girl (there are plenty of girls in the family, not like they're missing out, just not from me!)

It's bloody annoying, and no doubt if I'd had a girl it would have been all about what a relief that I'd finally got one as if that was the only reason I had that many children, therefore making out my others were a disappointment.

None of them were a disappointment, I never cared if I had boys or girls, I planned to have that many children.

Punch them. Punch them all. (Joke! Maybe.)

Closetlibrarian Wed 18-Jan-17 14:48:39

You are desperately clutching at reasons not to have a third, aren't you? Yes you are. You know you are.

Go on, just do it. You know you want to. One more won't make any difference grin

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer Wed 18-Jan-17 14:51:25

I think its a bad reason not to have another child

However

I was very relieved when we tried for dc3 that i already had a boy and a girl so people wouldnt say "oooh are you trying for a (insert sex here), third time lucky" grin

Bear2014 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:51:42

Soubriquet flowers

OP People are mental but don't let that put you off. How old are your DC?

I'm pregnant with number 2, finally after over a year of IVF and miscarriage. People just want to know if I would prefer it to be a boy or a girl. I know it's innocent enough, but do they really think I give a flying f* after what we have been through?!

Soubriquet Wed 18-Jan-17 14:55:49

Thank you bear smile

mintthins Wed 18-Jan-17 14:55:55

I have three of the same sex. They are teens now, but I never tire of saying "Yes, we had been hoping for a puppy third time round" whenever anyone spouts the stupid sex crap. It irritates the hell out of me, but the puppy comment always shuts it right down.

downwardfacingdog Wed 18-Jan-17 14:57:11

YABU. However many kids you have and in whatever combination, you will get numptyish comments from people. Just let them wash over you. I have 3 boys and 2girls and get comments about having too many kids. When I had a boy and girl as my first two DC I was told I 'could stop now'. Friends with 1 child get comments about that. I have several friends with 3 boys and I'm sure they probably get some silly comments, but they are very happy with their boys and not 'trying for a girl'. I think as long as the gender weirdness doesn't come from you it will have little to no impact on your boys. My DH is the only boy with three older sisters and my MIL still goes on about how delighted they were to finally get a boy - now THAT is damaging!

Mrsfrumble Wed 18-Jan-17 14:58:40

I'm the youngest of 3 and the only girl. I think everyone has always assumed that my parents really wanted a girl, and if DB2 had been one I would not had have existed. A family friend even said so much to me over Christmas.

But a few years ago I was chatting to my mum after finding myself unexpectedly pregnant with DC2, saying how surprised I was as I was still regularly breastfeeding DC1. She said "oh I know, that's what happened to me too". I cast my mind back to her telling me how long she fed each of us for, and realised the "accident" can only have been me! I had a very happy and loving childhood BTW, but it was a bit of a shock to learn that I wasn't a carefully planned attempt for a much wanted daughter after all...

My point is that you can't stop people making assumptions! Just grit your teeth and tell them "No. We're having another because we want another baby!"

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 18-Jan-17 14:59:51

I read your post whilst watching The Tudors OP.

My first thought was "how times change" grin. You'd have been an absolute hero for "producing" three sons back then wink.

Seriously though, I was in your position and I'm sure nobody believed me when I said that I would be genuinely happy to have a third boy. I also had a lot of the "oh you must be so relieved, a girl to complete your family" comments when DD arrived.

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