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To expect DP not to attend other events on out birthdays?

(87 Posts)
oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:14:08

Hi all,

My DP and I have been living together for over a year and I have a DS, who my DP fully supports eventhough he's not his, of which I know is very commendabe.

My issue is that my DP was invited to a Stag do (of one of his friends cousins that he hasn't seen in years) this would happen to fall on my DS's birthday weekend (my DS stays with his father every other weekends are limited for us). I said I felt quite hurt that he'd even considered going, as we had spoken about holding a little birthday celebration that weekend with close family and friends (but not set anything in stone). We both work full time and my DS goes to nursery 4 days a week. So by the time we get home etc it's too late to have a gathering.

We are also doing some serious saving to buy the house we rent and I don't think spending £400/500 on a stag weekend for a distant friend is money well spent......especially when we are considering whether or not to go on holiday ourselves..

We came to blows (on text, which I know isn't convienient) as he then asked if he could attend a sporting event on my birthday (which also happens to be Mothering Sunday).

All of these event dates came up within the same 24 hours and i'm just perplexed that my DP would rather spend time with his friends/sports people on the days which i think are quite important.

AIBU to kick up a stink? I also did drop a clanger and asked him (in true hot headed text style) if my DS was his...would he have stil considered going on the stag do? I know I shouldn't have because it would probably feel like a stab in the dark as I've never questionned his love for my DS, but I'm totally perplexed that birthdays/mothers day doesn't resignate as important family time to my DP.

Sorry for the long post, but wanted you all to have the full picture. Thanks for any advice. X

Katy07 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:28:24

I can understand him not thinking Mother's Day is important (not his child and it's more a commercial thing anyway) but I'd have thought that he could consider your DS's birthday worth choosing over a not-cheap stag do, though maybe he figures others would see it odd him being there? (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt suggesting this - I'm not convinced). And then to prefer a sporting event over your birthday?! He's not doing himself any favours. Is it an event that means he'd be absent most of the day or just a couple of hours? If it was a couple of hours and he'd organised something special for afterwards then fair enough. But a long event and nothing organised - will he be comfy sleeping on the sofa?!!

PurpleMinionMummy Wed 18-Jan-17 09:34:25

I think ya being a bit u.

You didn't set in stone any plans for your ds birthday w/e.

I think the holiday/saving for a house argument is irrelevant. You're either saving for the house or you aren't. A case of 'its not fair you go on a £500 stag do if it means we don't get a family holiday' is a fair point though

I think the jury will be out on the birthday/mothers day thing. Some wouldn't mind and will say yabu, some will say you are not bu. It depends on his exact plans too.

SalemSaberhagen Wed 18-Jan-17 09:36:07

Mother's Day is also the OP's birthday.

SalemSaberhagen Wed 18-Jan-17 09:36:38

Oh ok, you both noticed that. Ignore me grin

WhyOhWine Wed 18-Jan-17 09:41:21

So my thoughts:

1. I wouldn't mind about mothers day. I would just do something with my DC. On occasion DH has done something with his mum on mothers day and DC and I have celebrated separately.

2. I wouldn't really mind about my birthday, as long as it was recognised in some way. Similarly DH never expects a big fuss on his birthday. However, I know some adults feel more strongly about celebraitng adult birthdays and would be annoyed by this.

3. the combination of it being your birthday and mothers day does, though, affect my view a bit, i..e i tihnk that makes it worse than if it was just your birthday or just mothers day.

4. If the stag do was for a close friend or family member, I would be ok with this given that your DC is young and ownt remeber this birthday anyway. However, in the circumstnaces you describe i would be very annoyed, both in relation to the cost and DC's birthday.

user1484317265 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:42:09

I think you're being quite controlling. He has to ask you for permission to make plans, rather than act like grown ups and discuss and make plans together?

I don't see what Mothers Day has got to do with anything, you aren't his mother and its not really an event. Your birthday, well if you want to make plans for it, do that, don't just hoard the entire weekend just because.

A sensible approach would be to have one day as a joint birthday celebration for you and your son, and the other day he can make his own plans. Whether you as a couple can afford his events is another separate manner. But you do have to chill out and stop having text rows and foot stomping about your day etc.

oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:45:58


It is a case of wondering whether we can afford a family holiday this because of hard house saving.

cushioncovers Wed 18-Jan-17 09:46:03

Mothering Sunday is also The ops birthday!

oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:55:43

I'm not how I am being controlling when he does do his own thing and make his own plans. He has been abroad on a stag do, numerous sporting weekends/every week, skiing holiday, numerous nights/days out etc

Mothers day is only important as my birthday weekend falls on the same day. He will be playing sport on the Saturday, just expected a day together on the Sunday to both visit our own mums and celebrate my birthday for the day (not the entire weekend).

user1484317265 having those separate days would be amazing if we could actally have that one day to do that where my DP was at home, that's the point!

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Jan-17 10:00:25

So who is actually doing the saving for the house?

Your DP seems to be acting a bit like a single man.

DoJo Wed 18-Jan-17 10:09:00

When you say 'birthday weekend' do you mean you and your son's birthdays both actually fall on weekends?

oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 10:09:59


Supposed to be both of us (we have joint acc) but I seem to have to be the one to reign things in......AKA nagging he doesn't monitor finances, so ultimately it's down to me to ensure its done.

Not sure about the single man statement.....but sure as feels lonely from my end sometimes!

oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 10:12:00

Our birthdays fall on different weekends....

Mine (and mothers day) falls on my DPs sporting weekend. My DS falls on the stag do weekend. Both 2 months apart. But invites have come for both in the last few days.

alltouchedout Wed 18-Jan-17 10:14:15

Not bothered about my birthday or Mothers Day. Massively bothered about the dcs so I would be really pissed off if dh chose a stag do over their birthdays.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Jan-17 10:15:45

I'm sorry, but my immediate impression was that he considered himself to be a single man, too.

OddBoots Wed 18-Jan-17 10:17:27

The date of the stag do is not (in my opinion) as important as the cost in the situation, there is no way my dh would think about going to distant friend's stag when we weren't even sure we could afford a family holiday.

As far as the sporting event, would he think about cancelling his Saturday sport the day before to spend a family day then instead? If so, would that be okay with you?

FetchezLaVache Wed 18-Jan-17 10:20:46

DP wanting to go on stag weekend of good friend the weekend of your son's birthday when money is no object = fine, IMO.

DP wanting to go on stag weekend of total random the weekend of your son's birthday when he is already being a bit shit about saving the money you are supposed to be saving for the house and the cost of weekend equates to the family holiday you won't be getting due to said saving drive = not fine.

He IS living like a single man, in the sense that he sees his money as disposable rather than potentially for the savings pot for the good of the family unit.

Hannah4banana Wed 18-Jan-17 10:21:43

I work shifts and sometimes get kept late so we rarely celebrate on the actual day even at Xmas. Can you pick another date and make it a special second birthday and spoil your son when he is there. We both do a lot of socialising seperately.

Mistletoetastic Wed 18-Jan-17 10:22:02

I would let him go on the stag as long as he did a celebration with DS too, I would check that he thought that it it was affordable though before agreeing to it. I put my foot down to an overseas stag for my husband but it was due to medical issues (his), he has since agreed that I was right.

Same for your Birthday TBH, is the sporting event on the Saturday or Sunday? if Sunday then could you still do a brunch or an late Roast lunch somewhere? or celebrate Saturday, Friday Monday etc?

Its not really a Birthday weekend or Mothering day weekend? they are single days. I had a Birthday on Monday and we celebrated with having friends on Sunday, I cooked a roast.

re the sporting event is this something that you would be interested in? I know that I am in the minority but I would love going to Rugby, Football, Motorsport.

FetchezLaVache Wed 18-Jan-17 10:23:39

Or to look at it another way - if the boot was on the other foot, would you consider spending £500 on the hen weekend of a friend's cousin you hadn't seen for years, knowing that that amount of money would either pay for a week's holiday for all three of you or go a good way towards saving for your deposit?

TENSHI Wed 18-Jan-17 10:25:21

Why not say birthday dates mean a lot to you as is saving for your holiday and then leave him to decide.

No point arguing about it really as action speak louder than words.

Make plans for him not being there and so if he is it will be a bonus.

ailPartout Wed 18-Jan-17 10:27:09

Mothers Day and birthdays are unimportant to me. I wouldn't really mind if it was for a specific thing like a stag.

Only you know the real state of your finances. £500 is a lot of money though.

You were very unfair with the comment about your son. DP deserves an apology for that.

oliversmummy21 Wed 18-Jan-17 10:27:53


The sporting event is for the weekend and will more than likely require an overnight stay away (more expense). I have managed to persuade my DS father for me to have my DS on the Sunday (being mothers day and my birthday) so would rather he be around for the Sunday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 18-Jan-17 10:28:27

I'd be pissed off too.
It's clear that he's putting his own wants ahead of any other consideration, and that doesn't really bode well in general.
Is he usually a person who remembers birthdays, does cards, presents etc.? Or is he one of those for whom "birthdays don't really matter, they're just another day" - lots of men (and some women) like that. IF he's like that, and you're not, then you're going to have years of this sort of shit anyway - reminding him about special events and so on and him scheduling other things on those days because he "forgot" - so I think you need to sit down and have an actual discussion with him about why these days are important to you and therefore he, if he cares about YOU, should care about them being important to you as well.

If he doesn't agree, well. Years of this sort of shit to follow.

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