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To tell ex friend the baby probably isn't his?

(27 Posts)
Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 21:53:59

An old friend has a child who the friend insisted probably wasn't his. Everyone told him to stop shirking his responsibility and thought it was an excuse. I've stayed in touch with the baby's mum and they just posted about the anniversary of something and said this event was two weeks after she split up with old friend (the day she told him she was pregnant which she stated as the 3rd of January) but I've just realised that the baby was born on the 4th of November... i feel like a terrible friend but the baby isn't actually his is it? Should I tell him I have realised this and try to build bridges? I wasn't one to have a go but we have drifted apart since all this happened as it caused rifts in our friendship group and I didn't stand by him as I felt it wasn't my circus or monkeys at the time.
Aibu to get involved now? Or is it still none of my beeswax?

Mammylamb Tue 17-Jan-17 21:59:55

Surely he can work it out for himself, or get a DNA test. They may have had sex after they split? Anyway, I would keep out of it

harderandharder2breathe Tue 17-Jan-17 22:02:39

Stay out of it. Interfering will never end well

Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 22:12:26

I'm fairly certain they couldn't have had sex after as he left the country as planned the day after she told him and he stayed at my flat that night for his leaving party that she didn't attend. He raised the idea that she was trying to keep him in the UK but we just assumed he was being a dick.
How do I even apologise? Or is this something he couldn't forgive?
She has refused a DNA test and he doesn't pay for the baby. He's also not named on the birth certificate (apparently) but tells everyone the baby is his and she hates him for leaving her... not a day goes by without her public hatred of his deadbeat dad status and now I feel like it's gone too far. Even his own mum has fallen out with him because she feels she has a grandchild she hasn't seen (baby's mum sent a letter about pregnancy but refused to let his mum see the baby until old friend steps up and sees the baby/pays for the baby).
I don't want to do anything major but maybe just say to him I'm sorry and would like to reconnect if he'll be able to forgive me. I was thinking about it today for some reason and then this happened and it's sort of reinforced that I've been a shit friend. I feel terrible.

FrogFairy Tue 17-Jan-17 22:17:15

How much time has passed? Was this just last year or has it gone on for years?

Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 22:22:10

The baby is 2 now so ita been a few years

honeylulu Tue 17-Jan-17 22:23:25

So she told him she was pregnant in January so must have got pregnant December at the latest. Baby born November ...11 months later.
And you think you need to explain it to him?

Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 22:26:59

Honey it's not that he's stupid but I don't think he's seen a picture of the baby or even asked about the birthday. He might know but another friend saw him and said he had asked if the baby was okay and the friend told him he'd have to grow up and ask the mum himself.

Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 22:28:47

I think maybe he just doesn't have the info to match the dates up and put two and two together.

Oofimanoeuf Tue 17-Jan-17 22:29:07

But I wouldn't know for sure unless I spoke to him

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Tue 17-Jan-17 22:29:56

Does he even understand how babies are made?

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Jan-17 22:33:15

So is that he already knows it's not his, but you and all your friends didn't believe him?

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Jan-17 22:33:49

And you won't to tell him you know he's not the father (rather than tell him he's not the father)

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Jan-17 22:34:07

Won't = want

RunWalkCrawlbutMove Tue 17-Jan-17 22:35:04

But you don't need to tell him the baby isn't his because HE KNOWS AND HAS BEEN SAYING IT ALL ALONG! It is the rest of his "friends" who should be told. Not him.

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Jan-17 22:37:28

I don't understand. She told him she was pregnant on 3rd Jan (2014)...before she was pregnant??

puglife15 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:40:41

Yes he clearly knows the baby isn't his but he might appreciate you acknowledging it. Maybe send a note to him apologising and acknowledging you were wrong?

allchattedout Tue 17-Jan-17 22:42:30

I don't get this either. So she told him she was pregnant in January 2014? Then pretended to be pregnant until she actually got pregnant which at the earliest would have been February 2014? That makes no sense at all. And as he says he doesn't think the baby is his, then I don't think you need to tell him. This all sounds very strange.

Mrsmadevans Tue 17-Jan-17 22:46:01

no point op leave well alone love

RubyFlint Tue 17-Jan-17 22:48:24

Leave well alone. Nobody will thank you for getting involved.

RubyFlint Tue 17-Jan-17 22:49:39

X post grin

hoddtastic Tue 17-Jan-17 22:54:47

are some authorities waiting to go back or is half term really early this year?

AcrossthePond55 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:57:28

I'm sure he can count to 9.

If you want to acknowledge to him that you now realize that you were not a good friend to him during that time, by all means do so. But don't do it in a tittle tattle way. Don't say "I just want to let you know that I now know that XXX isn't your child". Just say "I want to apologize for not being a supportive friend during (time period). I should have been a better and more trusting friend" or something similar.

Mrsmadevans Tue 17-Jan-17 22:59:39

Rubyflint grin

RebootYourEngine Tue 17-Jan-17 23:01:13

I agree with pond if you want to contact him that would be the best way.

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