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AIBU to ask if anyone dreaded becoming a Mum?

(77 Posts)
SWtoSEGirl Tue 17-Jan-17 19:32:03

I feel terrible posting this - and feel I can't really discuss this honestly with anyone in RL. I'm 31 & my DH is really keen to start a family, to the point of impatience - last year I told him we'd try in a year's time - and here I am.

Children have always been a part of my life plan - but now I am on the verge of TTC, I am filled with dread & fear. I fear losing my independence, losing my identity, & our financial security. I fear we'll never enjoy free time or a holiday again. I know this makes ne a terrible person - but I also can't imagine loving my baby - although I really love my nephews & nieces. I guess I'm terrified of making a lifelong commitment to someone I dont know (ridiculous though it sounds). I often look to the future & just cant picture myself with a 10 yr old or teenager!

I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get where I am & am scared of losing it & of change. I think a lot stems from my DM - she has always wanted me to focus on my career & has never extolled the virtues of having children.

I know I am being selfish, but has anyone else felt this way? Or have advice on how to prepare mentally for a child?

MrsDustyBusty Tue 17-Jan-17 19:35:27

I think you'd be daft not to feel that way. It's a realistic assessment - baby takes over your life in indescribable ways. You will lose a lot and while most parents adore their children enough to compensate, some don't.

On the plus side, chances are you would love the baby more than you can imagine.

Limitededition7inch Tue 17-Jan-17 19:48:22

I cried when I found out I was pregnant with DS. I was 30 and had just been promoted at work, DH and I were earning good money and we had been married 3 years. I enjoyed our long lazy weekends and work hard play hard attitude and really did fear a loss of my life and independence. I hadn't bargained on having my first until I was 32 and saw all my friends around me lamenting how tired they were, etc.

While I'll never get it back, we do work hard to still spend time on our own. I appreciate both sets of GPs are nearby, as is my DBro and DH' DSis and so in that sense we're very lucky in a way that many other people might not be. But most of all I can safely say I love DS in a way that I didn't think was possible and we also have another on the way now. I'm not preaching at you to have kids, but I think your feelings are pretty normal. The first 9 months-year is tough but it does get a bit easier after that as they aren't as dependent on you if you are in the position to have family help.

Most importantly though, you do need to talk to DH about this.

Doobigetta Tue 17-Jan-17 20:37:00

It does NOT make you a terrible person. It makes you honest and normal and responsible. You're only 31, you've got lots of time. It's ok to say if you aren't ready.

Disclaimer- turned out I wasn't ever ready. But I'm pretty sure this is not a situation where "better to regret the things you did, than regret the things you didn't do" is good advice.

NowwhatdoIdo123 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:52:53

You are not a terrible person or selfish! Not at all. You're a normal, balanced person.

You're describing me! I felt exactly the same way as you. I had my first baby at 42 because I just never felt ready. I had a good career, loved my financial independence, freedom, holidays, lazy evenings/weekends just like you.

Tbh life changes so much when you have a baby no preparation can prepare you for it. And it's not just the sleep deprivation. It's the little things, It really is a 24/7 365 days a year job and the loss of freedom and spontenaity is immense. But at the same time it does bring new experiences and a new dimension to your life.

You're still so young I would wait another year or two.

sjd84 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:56:30

I felt exactly the same, could never imagine having a teenager, still can't and my little boy is almost 4. All the things you've said about having children is true, it completely changes your life and there are amazing lows, but also fantastic highs. I have never really liked other peoples children either, however my son is the light of my life, and our family is complete with him.

Talk to your DH, and when you do get pregnant talk to your midwife about your fears, I would say 99% of people will have the same fears

whattheactualflump Tue 17-Jan-17 21:04:35

Firstly - all of those things you fear - they are true. I was also convinced I didn't want to be a mum.

It is impossible to explain what took me from there to here, but it was a conscious change of heart - I really wanted it all of a sudden, was age 31, big career, convinced I would never have them. But now - (age 45 with a 13 year old and a 7 year old) and a I love my children with an all consuming ferocity and feel like my - previously very exciting and fulfilling life pre-kids was like watching a film in black and white and now I live in colour. It isn't for everyone - I have sacrificed everything I believed was important to me and it was a massive leap of faith . I also have people in my life who I adore who have chosen a childfree life and are utterly fulfilled (and richer, more well rested and definitely have more incredible holidays and careers than me). Hard to explain from the other side, and only you know what is right. Maybe you aren't ready yet or maybe it isn't for you - only you can decide and it does have to be something you REALLY want, not him - you.

SWtoSEGirl Tue 17-Jan-17 21:07:33

Thank you for your messages! I feel quite tormented at the moment & grateful to hear not everyone immediately relishes the idea of motherhood.

I feel terrible having made promises to my DH - but he doesn't appreciate the enormity of having children I don't think & certainly doesn't understand my fears. 😟

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 Tue 17-Jan-17 21:14:30

I'm having exactly the same feelings, except I'm 35 so time is not on my side. I love kids but find it difficult to comprehend having my own, even though I always said I wanted kids. I've got a wonderful DP who would make a fantastic dad, I've got a well paid job which is amenable to part time hours if I need, so what's stopping me!? Fear of losing independence I guess. But I know that if someone told me I couldn't have kids I'd be devastated. Crazy how our minds work. Anyway, I 100% empathise with you and am following this thread closely to see what others say!

Allthewaves Tue 17-Jan-17 21:22:10

Apart from all the fears and worries do you really really want to become a mum and have a baby.

It's not for everyone. I never liked kids, no intrest in other people's kids BUT I always knew I wanted my own.

You have to want a baby, having a baby for your dh will just cause resentment

frenchknitting Tue 17-Jan-17 21:41:20

I felt like this at 31. By 32 I felt completely different, and I've never felt a second of doubt from when I made the decision to TTC.

I wouldn't go for it until you are ready.

SWtoSEGirl Tue 17-Jan-17 21:45:31

Softlycatchymonkey - that's exactly it, I'd be gutted if I couldn't have children & children have always been part of my plan, I can't imagine life without becoming a mother - but Im wrapped up in fear of change I guess.

Allthewaves - I hear what you're saying, I have thought a lot in recent months about whether I really want children, it certainly isn't a decision I take lightly - and I do want them. I just struggle to imagine being ready.

SpikeGilesSandwich Tue 17-Jan-17 23:19:04

Don't do it if you're not completely sure, you have to be willing and happy to give up your independence, your time, your sleep, your body for a while, and in my case most of your hair. Having a baby changes your life and your relationship more that you'll ever realise. I wanted one so badly and went through hell to achieve it but it's certainly not easy. I love my DS more than life itself but he pushes me to the edge of sanity sometimes. It's only fair to have a child when you are ready to be the best mother you can be and put its needs before your own every day. You need to talk to your DH and not just go along with ttc because it's what he wants, he's not the one who will have to sacrifice the most.

ArialAnna Wed 18-Jan-17 00:27:24

I felt (and to some extent still feel) like you do, and I'm expecting my first in the next couple of weeks! I'll report back on how it goes wink

jamtomorrow1 Wed 18-Jan-17 08:52:29

It is totally normal and legitimate to feel like this. My husband was desperate to have children and particularly keen to do so before he turned 40. I had always assumed that I would feel broody at some point and went along with it, even though I felt hugely uncertain and anxious for all the reasons you mention, particularly loss of autonomy, fear of the unknown and not knowing if I would love a baby. It became a massive problem in our relationship because I felt under such pressure and felt unable to talk to DH as I thought he'd leave me if I departed from our agreed life plan. I got pregnant two years ago and cried every day, sometimes until I was sick. I had a miscarriage and was upset about it, which made me feel better and like I was having the 'appropriate' maternal reaction - but then I got pregnant again some time later and was horrified by the whole thing, so anxious and this time disgusted by the idea of my body changing. I had a miscarriage again and was relieved. I ended up having an affair, in part because I was being a dick but also because I just couldn't cope any more. Eventually I had a serious conversation with my husband (after he found out about the affair, which is another story) and he said that he'd rather have me and no baby than leave. He had not thought about how much pressure he was putting on me. He is now 41 and has survived without being a dad! But... after two years of not trying, and no pressure, I am beginning to feel that I would like us to have children after all. We are talking about it and planning as a team.

I have gone into probably far too much detail because you should know that other people do feel like this. My advice is to be honest about things to your husband and give yourself a break. You may change your mind. You may not. It's ok to feel this way.

jamtomorrow1 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:00:09

PS I am 34 now and was 31/32 when all of this kicked off so similar age to you now.

corythatwas Wed 18-Jan-17 09:01:39

Not selfish and totally normal- only you can decide if this is a genuine change of mind or a momentary panic. Either would make complete sense: parenthood isn't right for everybody and even people for whom it is right have wobbles.

Another completely normal thing is to have a wobble when you are actually pregnant. I remember lying awake at night in the early months worrying desperately at how I would cope with this intrusion into my personal space: a stranger sleeping in our spare room, taking up space in our living room, being there all the time. Of course, by the time it happened "our" had been redefined to include the three of us.

mum2Bomg Wed 18-Jan-17 09:01:43

I understand this completely and I cried when I found out I was pregnant (still not sure whether it was in a good way or a bad way). But immediately felt very protective which I didn't expect. She is now just over sex weeks old and I can genuinely say that she has made my life complete. You cannot understand how much you will love them and the strength of feeling you will have for them until they're here. I still couldn't imagine having a baby by the time I got to my due date. Now, she's everything.

But...don't rush because you've made a 'promise'. I'm 35 and this was the right time for me. Find the right time for you.

OccasionalNachos Wed 18-Jan-17 09:04:55

Watching with interest. I am 31 and feel similar - have never particularly wanted kids, but starting to feel like I should have them,& would probably be sad if it turned out I couldn't.

mum2Bomg Wed 18-Jan-17 09:05:46

Also, make sure you can talk to him about these feelings - you'll have a whole bundle of new ones during pregnancy/birth/afterwards and need someone who you can tell anything to. Me and DH had a long chat about piles recently 😳

Make sure you're as close as you can be as, once you have a baby, you'll find fault everywhere you can after 2hrs sleep. Although last night she only woke up once - a miracle!

Imamouseduh Wed 18-Jan-17 09:08:45

Isn't there some saying that deciding to have a baby is the same as deciding to get a face tattoo... Don't do it unless you really, really want it because once it's done, it's done!

glueandstick Wed 18-Jan-17 09:13:54

I cried pretty much for the entire 9 months I was pregnant. I have lost all those things and so tired most of the time I don't know which way is up. I desperately miss the 'old me'.

But the giggling, silly things they do and helping a tiny person discover the world makes it a whole load better.

I wouldn't change my baby for the world, but it has taken a hell of a lot of adjusting.

TriJo Wed 18-Jan-17 09:14:43

I was incredibly excited when I found out I was pregnant with DS, I was 31 and newly married at the time, we'd gotten lucky on the second cycle. He's nearly 10 months old and I found out this week I'm expecting #2 as the result of a Christmas oops and I just cried. Your circumstances determine a lot about how you'll feel about it.

DryIce Wed 18-Jan-17 10:03:07

Oh OP, you could be describing me...And I am 32 and 3 months pregnant!

I definitely don't think it is unusual, and for all everyone says kids will change and light up your life - which I am sure is true - for me, now, I don't have that and a lot of the things I do care about and enjoy right now are going to be affected. I think I am allowed to be sad right now about the things I will have to give up or the loss of my current life.

What tipped me over into going for it - and obviously I'm not saying this is true for everyone - but I though about me at my parents age. And I think then I would like to have a family around me. Which means 30s me has to get cracking!

I'm also very comfortable in my life, so the idea of messing with that scares me. But then, so does the idea of it being just then same for decades to come! I think I'm a more practical person, so when it gets here it'll be a real thing and I'll have a new life to figure out. Which I am actually finding easier than the pre TTC navel gazing I was indulging in beforehand!

Blackbird82 Wed 18-Jan-17 10:04:55

If you're not ready then that's absolutely fine. The fears you have do NOT make you a bad person. I felt exactly the same and got married at 26, I didn't have my son until I was 32.

At the end of the day your husband may be desperate but he's not the one who has to go through pregnancy, birth and in all likelihood be the main caregiver!

You need to speak to him again because it really doesn't sound like you want a baby right now and he needs to respect that. You're still young at 31, there is no rush if you decide to wait a few more years.

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