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Feeling very pressurised about playdates aaarrgh

(32 Posts)
user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 18:58:23

Hi, my dd 4 goes to pre-school & is thriving she absolutely loves it, she does 3 activities a week & has a sibling who is 2.7 years (15 months between dd1 & dd2). For the past year a mum at the playschool has been very persistant about playdates (detest that word), last year we went twice & I found it very stifling, she hovered over the girls who just wanted to play with the toys insisting they colour, "play kitchens" play dollies I just wanted to say just let them be.... She started waiting for me after school saying what way will we do playdates this week so I nipped it in the bud... Dd1 has her activities, sister & other lovely kids on our road & I felt I was being railroaded into having to do a meetup weekly.
Fast forward to September & dd1 had been talking about the little girl (who btw is absolutely lovely) her mum asked for a playdate & I said sure as dd1 chatted about her at home.. The playdate went well & I invited them to our house the following week, I said around 10.30 would suit us as DD1 has dance in the evening, she said I do my weekly shop around that time would 12 suit, I said the girls have lunch then but 12.30 suits me, at 11.55 her & her dd arrived, she said I hope you don't mind we're early, thought we would give the kids more time to play, my dds were just sitting down to their lunch!!!! She stayed for 2 & 1/2 hours despite my heavy hints that dd has to get ready for dance.
After that again it was back to what suits you for a playdate this week, she wouldn't take no for an answer. DD2 & I really enjoy waiting for dd to come out of nursery but for a few days we didn't get a chance to even give her a hug as this lady insisted on pushing her daughter on top of dd & insisting they walk holding hands together...! DD1 got sick of that & started running along with the little boys on our road...
The lady then started waiting in her car & when she could see me & dd2 walking along she would get out of her car just as we were walking past, after 4/5 days of this I started leaving extra early so I was the first at the school gate... her pattern changed too so now I'm back to being just on time...
Today after the school collection, she was waiting for me at the gates, She asked were we free for a playdate on Thurs I said no as dd is very busy with her activities & I am very busy with my work (I work from home) so we are having as relaxing a week as we can, then she said well why don't we go for a coffee then before the school pick up... I said I can't as dd2 has a music class
I am at the end of my tether, my girls really enjoy each others company & play so well, as there's only 15 months between dd1 &dd2 they are fantastic friends so I like them having their special time, I want time with my kids myself, they play really well with the neighbourhood kids & have lots of spontaneous playdates. I also don't have anything in common with this mum & all the playdates we have had were quite uncomfortable with just small chat. AIBU to feel pressurised, ambushed & cornered... I have nothing against playdates but this mum wanted a weekly scheduled date & just won't take no for an answer... Vent over.

Ilovecaindingle Tue 17-Jan-17 19:02:34

How about an agreed monthly date? Gives her more time to apprehend other victims /guests in the meantime!! Then you can stop picking the kids up in disguise and skulking behind parked cars etc.

Chippednailvarnishing Tue 17-Jan-17 19:04:38

Maybe just grow a pair and say that you can't make playdates for the foreseeable future and close her down when she's forcing her daughter on yours.

Magzmarsh Tue 17-Jan-17 19:06:06

It's very difficult to deal with someone who doesn't pick up social cues and won't take no for an answer. You can stay polite but you're going to have to be firmer saying no to her and perhaps try engaging some other parents in conversation so she realises you and your dd aren't her exclusive friends. If she still doesn't take the hint just keep distant and cool. In her own way she's being rude and not taking your feelings into consideration so don't feel too bad about steering clear.

user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:07:35

It's still too much... She is quite odd, her dd was invited to a little boys birthday party in preschool & the mum made such a fuss over going as it was the little girls first invite from the playschool, the little girl went & had a great time. Her daughters birthday was the following month but the little boy whose party she attended wasn't invited as the mum only wanted girls which I thought was odd, the kids are 3 &4...

Seeline Tue 17-Jan-17 19:09:36

Thanks for the invite - tomorrow afternoon would be great as we have the bug man and the man about the rats coming to sort out the problems....
Ooh yes - we could pop over now - I was going to treat DDs hair, but I'm sure nits aren't as infectious as people make out....

grin

user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:13:08

Pressed soon too quickly, I have been saying we're very busy dd has her activities, needs downtime, I'm very busy with work etc but she still won't take no for an answer... It really annoyed me when my daughter came out of playschool & I didn't get a chance to even give her a kiss & hear about her day as she insisted her daughter held dd1s hand (which dd2 always did!!!) as I said after a couple of days dd1 decided to join the little boys ahead so I ran on to keep up with her... She has older children in secondary school & apparently she was very pushy with both of them about playdates/sleepovers etc & alienated herself with neighbours & other mums due to her pushiness (that could be taken with a grain of salt though, I don't like to listen to heresay..)

MistyMinge Tue 17-Jan-17 19:14:40

I would just keep saying no we're busy. She'll get the hint eventually, maybe grin

Presume your DD starts school in September. Are they likely to be in the same school? If not then I really wouldn't worry about coming across as rude.

No way could I be arsed with weekly meet ups. I wouldn't do that with really good friends let alone someone I didn't have much in common with.

user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:15:21

Heehee Seeline I love it to quote Donald Trump this lady is a bit of a germaphobe (her dd is not allowed go to playcentres/playgrounds in case she falls, outside in case she gets dirty etc...)

bumsexatthebingo Tue 17-Jan-17 19:15:21

I feel for you op. She sounds a pita. I would just keep dodging if she won't let the child come round without her.

user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:21:03

Well that's exactly it Misty we don't have enough time to meet up with the people we love & want to spend time with not to mind being ambushed into a weekly "playdate"sad They won't be going to the same schools which is great so I don't have to encounter the mum but dd1 really likes the little girl so it's a pity. DD1 has other friends from the playschool (with lovely mums!!)who will be going with her. Tbh I wouldn't let dd1 go without me, I feel the woman is very pushy on the playdates eg insisting they do colouring then comparing their colouring, all dd1 wanted to do was play with the toys with her friend & my dd2!!!!

user1473882712 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:59:02

Just rereading the replies, thank you for the advice feeling a bit more positive, my dh's motto is never explain never complain so he feels I should just say we have plans & leave it at that... He saw her waiting in the car outside the playschool until we approached technique she was using & agreed it made him feel quite uncomfortable..

user1473882712 Mon 23-Jan-17 18:52:48

UPDATE: Well last week after I said we were busy etc & dd is too tired after preschool & activites for too many playdates & likes down time with little sis etc the next couple of days she pretty much ignored me which was fine, I just smiled & said hi... However today (I still time my school runs so I arrived as kids were coming out) she crossed the road all smiles & was like so how are we fixed for a playdate this week, does Thursday suit, I said no as my mother was visiting she said Wed so & I said that didn't suit either as my dd's were having an outing after preschool... She said oh we'll leave it until next week so!!!! I said I need to run to collect dd I'm not sure of our plans for next week yet!!!
What is wrong with this woman?!!! The sad part is that my dd & her dd (who is lovely) get on very well & play so nicely. I just don't want to & dd does not need weekly playdates.. Can't understand why she doesn't get the hint, she is so pushy.... I'm an introvert who enjoys time on my own with my girls & really feel she's overstepping my bounderies, feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing...

TheWitTank Mon 23-Jan-17 19:01:04

I had a similar situation with a persistent mother and said that DD wasn't comfortable with playdates at the moment and wouldn't be having any for the foreseeable future. Its best to just be blunt rather than skirting around the issue. I continued to be polite but when asked again said 'no, sorry'. She eventually latched onto someone else.

7SunshineSeven7 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:04:20

She sounds like a PITA. Just tell her you are busy and can't arrange anything, if she tries to talk just walk past and say ''sorry can't stop, got to go!'' and scramble away, I'm sure she'll move onto someone else soon.

user1473882712 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:07:59

It's horrible Wittank, I just feel she's totally overstepping my bounderies, I love the school run & hate this whole rigmarole of "timing" the runs because of her, I will probably have to be blunt as you said next week... It's crazy that every week she asks us around to theirs, does it not dawn on her that she is the one asking every single week & we don't reciprocate?!!!

user1473882712 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:12:46

Thanks Sunshine7, it's hard for her to find someone else to leech onto as she only wants her "princess" playing with girls so has no interest in the boys.. The other mums with girls have older kids so they have their excuses of school runs etc... My dd is same age as hers & dd2 is 16 months younger so we are the perfect targets! I did think she had got the hint last week when she was ignoring me so tbh she caught me off guard today when she brightly enquired how we were fixed for a playdate then when I said we were busy she didn't skip a beat & said we can do it next week!!!! The mind boggles, so annoyed!

TheWitTank Mon 23-Jan-17 19:13:58

I feel your pain! You do need to be a bit brutal and brusque unfortunately. Don't give excuses -just a no, sorry with a smile is fine. If pushed, just say firmly that you are not doing playdates for now. Keep moving on the school run and be busy on your mobile or chatting with another parent.

icelollycraving Mon 23-Jan-17 19:23:35

Ds is 5. He's only ever been to one play date. blush I figure he spends all day at school with kids,as well as wrap around club 3-4 days a week, football on a Saturday,parties etc. I massively struggle with the mum thing.
The one he went to was a mum who asked me every week for about half a term including texts & fb messages. I had a feeling she is v much of the keeping a mental note to get you to reciprocate. He went he had fun, I thanked her & that was it. When I did a party for ds I let her bring her little girl too. She tried dropping her off with me at the party and looked genuinely surprised. Her dd is about 1.
Sorry I went off on a tangent there. I keep thinking I should do play dates.
Maybe say to this woman something like oh I'm going to have to disappoint you again for this week, we are really busy. If we are free for a play date, I will let you know but I don't think that'll be for sometime.

icelollycraving Mon 23-Jan-17 19:24:26

Basically like ever.

MillionToOneChances Mon 23-Jan-17 19:28:20

I find the best way to deal with this is to accept a playmate for '3 weeks on Tuesday' so it's sorted but spaced out. If you want your dd to play with her dd.

user1473882712 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:30:09

That's exactly it icelolly, she's 4, has 5 mornings of preschool, has dance, music & gym & a sister 16 months younger, cousins & plenty of little friends on the road who are happy to play spontaneously & pop in & I, I don't want to be caught into these scheduled playdates!!! Often heard about pushy mums on here & always thought it was a myth now that I have encountered this lady know they truly exist!!!

icelollycraving Mon 23-Jan-17 19:35:13

You could say that your dd just doesn't play dates so you aren't planning any at all.

2cats2many Mon 23-Jan-17 19:41:05

It does get easier once they start school, because the patents aren't invited to playmates. They just pick them up at the end!

happypoobum Mon 23-Jan-17 19:51:42

I agree with PP, although you are probably worrying about not being rude, by giving excuses each time you are giving her false hope.

This isn't your fault at all - she is really pushy. I would say no, we aren't free, sorry. Don't explain or give details, just NO. When she says, what about XYZ, just smile and say No.

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