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MIL and being obese

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

YellowBlinds Tue 17-Jan-17 14:59:07

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Scottishchick39 Tue 17-Jan-17 15:02:17

YNWBU, she is taking the piss. Change your locks so she can't just come in when she feels like it and tell her while you are working you are not available to answer the door to her. Your DH should be telling her to stop bothering you or your FIL.

confuugled1 Tue 17-Jan-17 15:04:58

Sounds like it's time for you to get chains on the door to stop her getting in and for dh to have very strong words with her about how you work from home and so he will help and take her to the supermarket when he is not working. Otherwise youbwill need to move away so that you can work properly without interruption.

StumblyMonkey Tue 17-Jan-17 15:06:15

I would say I needed the spare key back for some invented reason and the forget to ever give it back and then would only agree to do things that were genuinely reasonable.

Every other request would be met with "Oh...I am sorry but I'm in a work meeting at that time". Repeated ad infinitum until she learns.

PurpleMinionMummy Tue 17-Jan-17 15:06:27

Yanbu. Stand your ground!

YellowBlinds Tue 17-Jan-17 15:06:33

blush I actually did change the locks last year, for that exact reason under the guise of "security" as we'd "lost a key" but she comes by daily and we couldn't think of an excuse not to let her have an emergency key, and despite delaying 2 weeks to get one cut she just kept on banging the door and rattling the letterbox until I caved.
I've asked her and DH have asked her not to disturb me whilst I'm working, but she just ignore us.

BlurryFace Tue 17-Jan-17 15:07:55

YANBU, and I'd take the bloody key off her and all because she sounds an utter pisstaker and parasite. Why on earth would anyone with their own car want lifts all the time, so they don't have to get more petrol I presume? If she's happy to go through your kitchen cupboards while you're in the house, god only knows what she does when you're on your hols or whatever.

YellowBlinds Tue 17-Jan-17 15:08:20

I didn't think of a chain, I may try that though it won't stop her calling through the gap.
DH actually had a proper sit down talk with her about it (she cried through the whole thing and said I was turning him against her and he didn't love her) which fixed it for about a week, but it crept back again.

YellowBlinds Tue 17-Jan-17 15:09:22

god only knows what she does when you're on your hols or whatever. I didn't think of this confused

harderandharder2breathe Tue 17-Jan-17 15:09:25


Chain for the door. "Working hours" you are not to be disturbed. Have a set time in the week when you'll help her run errands but you can't help outside of that (except in emergencies but don't tell her that bit or everything will be an emergency)

I would leave her alone about her weight but also refuse to accept comments from her about your weight or diet. As morbidly obese myself I am trying to do something about it but bloody hell its hard! I'd never comment on anyone else's weight though, that's just rude and I'm hardly one to talk about healthy eating!

PotteringAlong Tue 17-Jan-17 15:10:42

Can you work somewhere else for a few weeks? Even if it means doing one of these "rent a remote office space" things until she gets the message that you are not available?

OptimisticSix Tue 17-Jan-17 15:10:45

I think I'd put a chain/bolt on the door; tell her your boss has said you seem distracted: and then ignore her trying to let herself in. She should get the message after a month or two... oh also I'd get some headphones and listen to music so I actually couldn't hear her. Make it clear your work time is your work time and then it might be easier to deal with the rest.

WaitrosePigeon Tue 17-Jan-17 15:11:41

Obviously fuck that.

picklemepopcorn Tue 17-Jan-17 15:12:38

Tell her you really need to focus while you are working, so you won't be letting her in. Lock the door using an internal bolt, wear headphones. She'll only do it a few times before getting fed up. Warn the neighbours, if they are likely to be home.

LaContessaDiPlump Tue 17-Jan-17 15:13:27

What WaitrosePigeon said grin

CoraPirbright Tue 17-Jan-17 15:14:44

Why can't FIL ferry her around?

Bluntness100 Tue 17-Jan-17 15:16:01

No you're not being unreasonable. You need to start saying no you need to work and then excusing yourself and going back to it. Let her cry and be hysterical. She will soon tire herself out.

As for the telling uou uour fat thing, I've a friend who does this to me, she is and I'm not, and I also had an acquantance years ago who was genuinely no better than incredibly plain ( and I say that with effort) , made no effort at all, was over weight yet who used to act like she really might be Claudia Schiffer and give ever other woman tips on how to improve her looks. Was weird as fuck. The better looking you were, the more she revelled in telling how to make yourself more attractive just like her as she was so lucky to be naturally blessed and why the other person would need to work harder at it. 🙄

FizzBombBathTime Tue 17-Jan-17 15:17:12

Get a rottie. The barking might put her off

pho3be Tue 17-Jan-17 15:18:06

Christ. Stop giving in to her, stand your ground. Tell her youre falling behind at work so she must not come round duri g working hours , get the key back and tell her why.
Failing that, move

pipsqueak25 Tue 17-Jan-17 15:22:55

change the lock, chain on door, stop taxiing her around, dh needs to talk to her again and lay down the ground rules that she doesn't just turn up when she feels like it,ignore the stupid whining and tears and general emotional blackmail, and arrange when visits are happening.
if all else fails let her yell through the letter box, it'll make her look deranged to the neighbours though grin

Softkitty2 Tue 17-Jan-17 15:24:41

Yes why can't fil do it? Also keep your key in the keyhole so she can't let herself in. Does she understand you work from home?

babychamcherryb Tue 17-Jan-17 15:25:57


Strokethefurrywall Tue 17-Jan-17 15:26:05

Jesus Christ, she's a toddler having a tantrum. Demand your key back and tell her that you will no longer pander to her whims.

Put a sign on the door, a chain across it so she can't get in (in case she's copied your key) and put earphones in whilst you work.

That way you won't be able to hear her whilst she makes a tit of herself on your doorstep.

PovertyJetset Tue 17-Jan-17 15:26:30

Change the locks.
Consider renting a hot desk in an office near by so you are out of the house??

She's taking absolute liberties!

alwaysthepessimist Tue 17-Jan-17 15:26:33

what type of door do you have? On ours if you leave a key in the lock the person on the other side cannot unlock the door, if it is a yale type can you put the deadlock on and basically ignore all the knocking & shouting?

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