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Aibu to be put of by funeral dress codes?

(62 Posts)
Funnyfarmer Mon 16-Jan-17 21:52:28

Back in November a mum from school tragically passed, I didn't know her to well but felt I would like to pay my respects at her funeral. Just as I was about to get ready I got a text saying the family have requested people are to wear bright clothing. I opened my wardrobe and had nothing bright in my autumn/winter wardrobe even if I had the time to dig out my summer clothing they are just that summer clothing It was a burial, I would have been freezing. I don't know her family and felt I may have percived as disrespectful if I turned up in dark clothing, so I decided not to go. Today I attended a funeral where everyone was asked to wear a Manchester United kit! Luckley this time I had few days notice and managed to borrow a united tracksuit 3 sizes to big, if I hadn't managed to borrow one would I have been expected to buy one? On Thursday I'm attending another funeral where everyone has been asked to wear rastapharian/Jamaican style clothes. I hope I'm not coming across disrespectful because I really don't mean too but it really is putting me off attending peoples funerals who otherwise I would like to pay respect too

PickAChew Mon 16-Jan-17 21:56:34

Giving as much notice as is feasible is the issue, here.

If you don't have a full outfit fitting a particular theme, or don't feel comfortable with the idea of such an outfit, it's fine to wear something small fitting with the theme, eg a scarf or even a brooch.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington Mon 16-Jan-17 22:00:20

I have black trousers and a black dress and heels that are funeral ready. Bright clothes would be fine too. But I'd definitely be at a loss at a Man Utd or Rasta dress code however! grin

But I'm sure there'd be plenty of other people there who'd be in trad funeral gear so I wouldn't worry too much.

PimmsIsMyDrinkOfChoice Mon 16-Jan-17 22:05:40

For first funeral I would have worn autumn / winter colours and the brightest scarf I owned. Or borrowed one.
I don't know anyone to borrow a Man U strip, so I would wear a red Jumper.

I personally would prefer that people turned in whatever rather than stayed away. I wouldn't think not following that sort of dress code was disrespectful

Servicesupportforall Mon 16-Jan-17 22:10:08

Fucking help that's 3 funerals in 3 months!

WorraLiberty Mon 16-Jan-17 22:10:18

How very strange that this should happen 3 times in such a short space of time.

Generally, this sort of thing is just a request and not everyone ends up taking part.

TigerInTheSnow Mon 16-Jan-17 22:11:21

I think when people say 'bright clothing' they just mean not to wear traditional, black mourning wear eg black suit etc. But if there is an unusual dress code, I'm sure no-one is going to look askance if you turn up in normal clothes, they will just appreciate you coming to pay your respects. Just don't turn up head-to-toe in black with a veil on!

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Mon 16-Jan-17 22:17:34

I don't get this themed funerals/weddings.

BubbleButtBarbie Mon 16-Jan-17 22:21:28

Every time we have been asked to wear theme we tend to still go in formal respectful clothing. For me personally it's part of the grieving process. No one has ever mentioned a think and you will often find quite a few attendees still in traditional funeral garments.

Also I'm sorry you've had so many funerals recently flowers

TitaniasCloset Mon 16-Jan-17 22:24:00

Well they say things come in threes, seems extremely unlucky though!

I imagine that for the first funeral just an ordinary outfit would have done. For the other two I'm sure they don't expect everyone to wear that, again I just would have worn what I had. I think its ridiculous though to ask for fancy dress at a funeral. The first request for no black and cheerful outfits I can understand but the other two are just ridiculous. If close family want to wear a foot ball kit or whatever that's up to them. Unreasonable to ask all the funeral goers though.

CommunionHelp Mon 16-Jan-17 22:24:21

I've never heard of anything like this before.

but it really is putting me off attending peoples funerals who otherwise I would like to pay respect too

Not too many I hope, OP. However, if this trend continues, and you don't have the right clothes, then YWNBU to wear something from your wardrobe.

Mungobungo Mon 16-Jan-17 22:27:39

I've sadly lost several family members in recent years and we have specified for people to wear non-funeral colours if they feel comfortable. For us it's more about injecting some lightness into the funeral and trying to make it into a celebration of someone's life rather than a gloomy affair.
If you'd attended one of my relative's funerals in formal, black, I'd still have appreciated that you'd made the effort to come and pay respects to the deceased so don't be put off by dress codes. They're usually there as a way of someone indicating a less formal atmosphere and allowing a more relaxed feel to the proceedings. Go in what you feel comfortable in, in that case.

Love51 Mon 16-Jan-17 22:34:53

I think bright clothes originated at children's funerals. Parents would feel that they wouldn't want an all black funeral for their child, as the child wouldn't have felt comfortable at that kind of event. Then those bereaved of adults felt the same, and as there was a precedent, felt comfortable to request that.
The last funeral I attended, the widow changed her mind loads of times in the run up as to who should wear what. Given that she had just lost her husband, we agreed with everything she said. Even when some instructions contradicted the other ones. You support people as best you can.

Tootsiepops Mon 16-Jan-17 22:36:57

I've also lost all my immediate family. Three funerals in four years - I couldn't tell you what anyone had on at any of them. I only cared that people loved my family enough to attend.

QueenofLouisiana Mon 16-Jan-17 22:38:21

I went to a funeral where the request was Man U colours. I simply wore my bright red coat over a dress. The congregation wore all sorts- from full kit to scarves. The family understood we were acknowledging their little boy's favourite team.

Funnyfarmer Mon 16-Jan-17 22:41:19

Thanks everyone. Hopefully the rastapharian one will be the last one for a while. Today if I wasn't asked to drive for realitves I really would have considered not going again. But some of the older mourners was in traditional dress, some just wore a united pin (wish I had done that) feel a bit better about Thursday now and don't feel like I have to dress like rasta mouse.

honeylulu Mon 16-Jan-17 22:45:25

Almost all my clothes are black so I'm stuffed if it's a no-black dress code

WetsTheFinger Mon 16-Jan-17 22:57:04

Put off?? It's a funeral not a party.

Funnyfarmer Mon 16-Jan-17 23:00:01

Not a party? Thanks for that would have been embarrassing if I'd turned up with my balloons answer streamers

ThornyBird Mon 16-Jan-17 23:01:50

I genuinely can't remember what people wore at my Dad's funeral - except red socks for my kids - I really do think that the fact you have turned up is what matters.

But I could be in the minority.

brasty Mon 16-Jan-17 23:18:57

Personally I don't like the idea of celebrating someone's life. I go to a funeral of a close relative or friend because I am grieving and it is part of the process of saying goodbye.

GilMartin Mon 16-Jan-17 23:21:49

.I always took 'bright colours' to mean not black and still dress formally, I don't rush and buy an Hawaiian shirt.

At my funeral I want black, I want veils and and old codgers with black armbands. I want a headstone with weeping angels clutching a cross. And you can all bloody greive as well. Full on Victorian style if you don't mind, 6 months in deep mourning at least. We will not be having any celebrations of my life or bright colours, as they make me look drawn.

I want it bloody miserable and austere, just like my grandparents funerals were. You know how to comport yourself at a funeral like that.

GilMartin Mon 16-Jan-17 23:30:57

Joking aside, there's nothing wrong with solemnity and formality at a funeral and marking an important event with a degree of dignity. Obviously people should have the funeral they want for their nearest and dearest, but I don't like the way novelty fancy dress has become the default. Maybe I don't wish to remember the life of someone I knew by getting dressed up like it was a stag do in Man United kits or whatever.

BackforGood Mon 16-Jan-17 23:40:07

I'm not keen on the whole 'bright colours' thing at funerals, but try to understand that it's not about me, and will wear a bright coloured cardigan or jacket or scarf or something. I've never come across a "wearing something football team related" though, and hear what you are saying about being uncomfortable.
As others have said though, when I've had to arrange a funeral for close family members, we have appreciated that people have come, so just go in what you have rather than not going because of the request.

Although I hope you don't have any more funerals to go to soon OP !

Crowdblundering Mon 16-Jan-17 23:41:13

It's wrong but Hawaiian shirt is making me giggle grin

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