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To not invite father to my wedding

(40 Posts)
Indigo89 Mon 16-Jan-17 16:50:20

My parents are still together despite my dad's alcoholism and selfish behaviour. I have always disagreed with his lifestyle but have a civil relationship with him for the sake of my mother who I adore.

I only go back to my hometown 2 or 3 times a year but when I do he is always drunk or fails to turn up to meet me, out drinking instead. He disapproves of the fact I'm not getting married in my hometown and our strained relationship has broken down completely with him sending me abusive drunken texts calling me selfish for the location of the wedding. He hasn't had a nice word to say about the wedding from day one but I was willing to suck it up and tolerate him walking me down the aisle etc for the sake of the family but his recent insults, heavy drinking and not turning up when I'd driven down the country to see him have been the final straw and I don't want him to walk me down the aisle- he's not been any kind of father or been a feature in my life so why would the biggest day of my life be any different, especially given his recent behaviour. After months of no contact he text me to tell me he's invited 8 of his friends, who I don't know, to my wedding. When I told him there weren't enough room he replied that he wouldn't be coming at all if that was the case.

I now don't want to invite him at all because he is petulant, a drinker and doesn't support me or the wedding- I cannot trust him not to ruin the day but I know my mum is caught in the middle.

What do I do?

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 16-Jan-17 16:55:09

Personally I think you would be mad to invite him.

sparechange Mon 16-Jan-17 16:55:27

You are being totally unreasonable to not want him there.

Does he generally bully or control your mum? Is there any risk of her being kept away by him?

sparechange Mon 16-Jan-17 16:55:56

Totally reasonable! You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest
Sorry for the typo blush

ILoveDolly Mon 16-Jan-17 16:57:11

I don't think he has done anything to merit an invitation. If there's a chance he will spoil the wedding then absolutely do not invite him. How will your mum handle that though?

MolyBoly Mon 16-Jan-17 16:57:24

Don't have him there. If he doesn't know the exact date or venue don't tell him.

Indigo89 Mon 16-Jan-17 16:57:47

He will throw his toys out the pram and she often goes along with him to keep the peace so I am worried that she may not come either rather than live with his drunken whining about it for the rest of time

HecateAntaia Mon 16-Jan-17 17:01:28

I wouldnt invite him.
There's a very high risk he would get drunk and ruin your wedding.

If your mum sides with him that's sad but it's her choice.

If the price to pay for your mum's attendance is your drunken father kicking off then maybe that's too high a price.

EatsShitAndLeaves Mon 16-Jan-17 17:03:42

Your mother needs to take a look in the mirror.

If she wants to remain married to this waste of space then that's her decision.

I know you love her, but if she refuses to attend because your father won't be there then I would be upset but prefer that to him ruining the day.

She cant keep backing your father and expecting you to suck it up like she does.

What does your fiancé think? It's his day also and I'd be worried about your father making a scene in front of his family.

Mummamayhem Mon 16-Jan-17 17:04:32

It would be sad if it meant your mum didn't then come.

Is there a risk he'll just show up? Could family take 'control' of him in a way at all? Ie steer him away from the bar or the lime light and take him home as early is acceptable?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 16-Jan-17 17:06:57

Don't invite him, it's a no brainier, he will ruin it for you and make it all about him. Just invite your mum! Do you think she will come. She might be able to treated him, bit does not mean you have to live with her decisions.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 16-Jan-17 17:07:02

I'd be mortified if my dad turned up at my wedding drunk or got drunk there so if your dad was mine I wouldn't invite him.
It's your mother's choice whether she goes or not.
But hopefully she'll see the light and grow a pair.
What age is your Mum ?
Have you siblings for support?

CaveMum Mon 16-Jan-17 17:07:04

Don't invite him. Just because he is your dad it does t give him the god given "right" to walk you down the aisle or have any involvement in your day. To be honest it sounds like he'd probably ruin the whole day anyway.

Do you have a sibling or another family member who could walk you down the aisle? My best friend's sister walked her down the aisle recently as both their parents were deceased.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 16-Jan-17 17:08:17

Support your mum, if she's not ready to leave there is nothing you can do.Still I wod never have him at my wedding.

Ginkypig Mon 16-Jan-17 17:08:35

Your mother is entitled to keep a relationship with him but you are just as entitled not to!

Your relationship with your parents are individual and I think you and your mum need to have a chat about that because she should be able to support you in your decision to not want keep this relationship going just as you do in hers to continue it.

As for the wedding do not invite him. As an adult if he can't behave at the very least civilly then he can't come it's that simple! His attendance is not a right it is a privilege!

ThinkPinkStink Mon 16-Jan-17 17:09:11

Don't invite him! No way! I'd also brief the best man / ushers to keep him out if he turns up.

It'd be really sad if your mum can't come, but she's a grown up and she's made the decision to stay with someone whose behaviour isn't socially acceptable, so she'll either find a way to come alone or not (and you can celebrate with her some other time).

I'm sorry you're in this position - my father was an addict too, and a complete liability.

Indigo89 Mon 16-Jan-17 17:09:22

My partner hates confrontation and thinks invite him to keep the peace. But he's never seen my dad when he's drunk and doesn't understand the years of drink related incidents I've put up with through my childhood. He's only seen my dad tipsy at Christmas and in good spirits so I don't think he harbours the resentment and disappointment I do.

CaveMum Mon 16-Jan-17 17:09:47

Is it a church service or a civil ceremony? If in a church technically you can't stop him (or anyone) coming in, but if it's on private property you can ban him from the venue.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 16-Jan-17 17:10:29

Don't invite him, but be prepared for you'd mum not to come too.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 16-Jan-17 17:10:42

*your

EssentialHummus Mon 16-Jan-17 17:13:02

He'll likely ruin your wedding OP. Don't do it.

Indigo89 Mon 16-Jan-17 17:15:14

If I address the invite just to my mum he will know the location and time and may decide to binge and turn up and kick off.

There will be lots of burly men who could escort him away but I would hate for this to have to happen. It would ruin the entire day.

ImpetuousBride Mon 16-Jan-17 17:15:51

My mom was this way with my dad, always keeping the peace while being walked over by him.

You do what's best for your special day - if your parents' absence would really hurt you, try to work it out with them (although your father inviting HIS friends without even consulting you is extremely insensitive and selfish).

If you feel like you can cope without one or possibly both parents and still enjoy your wedding, it's simple: ditch your dad and let your mom make her choice.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 16-Jan-17 17:16:54

Just text her the invite, or e mail. O would not want him there at all, what a nasty piece of work.

Arthur2shedsJackson Mon 16-Jan-17 17:20:20

Given that even moderate social drinkers can and do get drunk at weddings where the booze is free-flowing it is really asking for trouble to ask an habitual drunkard even if he is your father. Don't take the risk of him blighting your special day - you will never get it back and it strikes me that he has foregone any loyalty you may have once owed him.

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