AIBU to take my daughter out of school before she sees paediatrician(48 Posts)
My dd is 6 she has struggled every day of school since her first day at nursery. She has no friends, is always alone, cries everyday, bites her own arms with stress and is not potty trained in the night and has accidents a few times a week during the day.
We have been told that she needs assessing for autism. The school have sent off a questionnaire apparently we are waiting for someone to contact them back. We knew the waiting would be long but today I was speaking to another mum who is three years into assessments and still doesn't have a proper diagnosis of anything.
My daughter has tried to escape he school, she has locked herself in toilets , she has attacked her teachers and has to be forcibly carried in by 3 teachers which distressed her even more.
We home educate our older son (for different reasons) and also have 3 other school age children .
I just can't imagine 3 years of this. She cried for an hour last night just repeatedly saying my name. She doesn't communicate her feelings well although she has no learning difficulties when it comes to reading and writing.
I can't leave her like this for years, a new school would make no difference the school is great and they do what they can but i can't sit back and see my 6 year old biting herself until she has bruises and do nothing?
The reason I haven't taken her out is that people have advised me to wait until she has had a diagnosis of something to remove her as it is done through school but I can't wait forever for that can I?
Aibu to take her out before then and try to get help elsewhere ? Or am I making things worse?
Poor little mite. I don't know anything about this sort of thing, but someone will.
If you are happy to home school her then she does not need to be in school to get a diagnosis. However a good school would put in support based on need, even without a diagnosis - how are the school supporting her now?
Can she still continue to be assessed by the medical professionals once you remove her from the Nursery?
How old is she? My last two children never went to school till they were 5. If she's this stressed I doubt she'd be missing anything.
Your poor DD. Won't the school do anything without a diagnosis? Would they accept you having her part time (flexi-schooling) such as she goes in mornings only? She might settle or be able to cope with less.
I'd take her out. I'd also be following up assessments so she gets the benefit. They shouldn't be dependent on school attendance.
Barbarian I would love to have her home but I just worry that any possibility of help is then gone.
The school at the moment are just keeping with her teacher - who she likes slightly better than other people. So the teacher had to go into other classes she goes with her and they call her the "teaching assistant".
I mean attending a school rather than home
With my son he was struggling with one area only (reading and writing as he has dyslexia) we removed him and started focusing his days on this plus special tuition etc.
He is at age level for reading now and his writing. (Still not great!) but has improved to the point where at least you can read most of it.
With dd her problems are numerous although not academic! So I feel like it's a different kettle of fish!
Squinkies - she is turning 7 this year. So is in year 2.
Having a diagnosis is unlikely to change anything if the school already do everything they can and she still can't cope. It is not done solely through the school, they can start the process, so can a parent. Yanbu, take her out if you feel that's what's best.
Whoever told you or inferred assessment can only be carried out via school is talking nonsense. It is a medical diagnosis. There are vast numbers of HE children going through the process.
My dd was taken out before assessment nd diagnosed, she sounds very similar to your dd (though my dd is less hot on learning). Home ed has seen a different girl, she has made her first friends, happily goes to ballet with a smile. Frankly I was prepared to accept she wouldn't be diagnosed home ed, I was surprised. I was asked to fill in the school questionnaire as an educator and listened to BUT I think they were impressed that I was a Senco/ teacher locally- I heard another mum moaning how the same team would only listen to a nursery saying their child was fine (and he's blindly obviously classically autistic!)
Take her out. You can still push for your GP to send her for assessment and the school can still do a report. But you are ramping up her anxiety and that's not good for her mental health. I have two with autism one was home educated I never got him to go back the other I found a school he loved tiny classes and wonderful support so he went to school. Take her out for now and work on getting her assessed.
I thought it was a medical diag so not school dependent. I'd also say school attendance at 6 is not the be all and end all of life and to just keep her home. If she's so upset she's crying for three hours just repeating your name, just remove as many stresses as you possibly can for her at the moment.
YANBU at all! She is clearly unhappy. You don't have to wait for a diagnosis to justify yourself. Home school her like your other DC. Homeschooling produces amazing results anyway from what I've observed.
I have AS and would've done so well being homeschooled. I spent school days being miserable over bullies and not much learning happened there - I self taught many subjects at the peace and privacy of home. Homeschooling rules.
Sorry - one hour of crying. Still sounds awful for you both.
First of all take what you hear from other people with a pinch of salt. 3 years since what? Since she first asked for an assesment? How often does she chase the various professionals? Either her child has some very complicated needs, or she hasnt been able to navigate the bureacracy to get him to the right people.
I think there are 2 issues here. The immediate issue of keeping your dd safe and the longerterm issue of assesment.
Start a journal. Who gave you the questionnaire? Whats it called? When will you by contacted and by whom? These are the questions you need to ask at every interaction.
After every phonecall note down the time date person and what was discussed and agreed. Where possible communicate by email.
A gp appointment would be a good place to start if you havent already done so.
I think a meeting with the teacher and senco is the first place to start to see how you can work together to make school less stressful for dd. Im not sure what help is available but maybe half days? Pictograms with feelings on?
Have you taken any other action before this?
Take her out. She's clearly suffering and miserable.
Can you home school? For a while at least? I'm the furthest thing from an expert but un-schooling might really benefit her and break the cycle of stress.
Fucking hell, just take her out! Poor lass. No child should have to be trapped in a place every day that that makes them deeply unhappy!
The people who said she should stay in school until diagnosis are talking bollocks. Your GP can refer you. My DD was home ed when I asked for the assessment referral, and actually I think we had an easier time because of that. No school to hold up the process/give conflicting information/press their own funding or whatever agenda.
Take her out! I left my Dd3 in school until she was 12, she had a diagnosis of Asd from when she was 9 and still didnt get any help.
We still see a paediatrician there is no reason why that would stop just because she isnt at school, our paed is quite supportive of home ed!
Take her out but dont deregister. Then if you decide to HE, the LA still have a duty of care to offer her a suitable place and support. If you deregister the LA deem you to be electively HE and walk away from their statutory duty of care. If you can demonstrate that HE is the only option then there is a teeny possibility you might get additional support at home. Im sure yiu know all this anyay, sorry!
Have you applied for DLA? You should.
We did this when ds4 was the same age. Also just before an autism dx. He never looked back and then had a very happy childhood and has learned loads!!! and has socialised with people of all ages (saying this with tongue in cheek for the inevitable doubters). My boy would lie in bed at night and say he wished he were dead - it was heartbreaking to hear and all that talk stopped when he left school. he did keep on wetting the bed for ages but at least we had more time for washing in the mornings.
Take her out. I took my ds out pretty diagnosis. He was assessed and diagnosed whilst home ed.
Twinkle I am sorry I am not sure what DLA is ?
I have just phoned the gp and have a telephone appointment tomorrow (she said do that first so I don't have to list my Dds issues in front of dd).
If the gp is supportive and can refer separately from the school dd won't be going back.
It's kind of sad I do actually love the school although I have taken 2 of 5 children out! It's just that 2 of my children just don't seem to fit he mould
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.