to uproot us to my DMs as I feel DPs effort wont last?(5 Posts)
Sorry this is long.
Recently returned to work after an extended maternity leave (DS had some health issues from birth). A few weeks before my return, things came to a head between DP & I - I broke down in tears, feeling overwhelmed after over a year of being the 'default' parent/housekeeper etc on very litle sleep (DS is poor sleeper due to health probs), no time for myself, and no time as a couple (in over a year we had sex just once!). I'd brought this stuff up many times over the year but despite the promises, nothing ever changed and I stupidly muddled on as always 'been a coper'/the organised one. I think the stress (and probably sleep deprivation) of realising this couldn't continue had gotten to me - while DPs day to day routine/nights out/hobbies had changed very little after DS was born, my life/routine had changed in ways that would not be sustainable on returning to work.
It had obviously been building over time, but it just felt that there was suddenly huge distance between us. Anyway, I found a good nursery for DS, and he settled well but wHen I did restart work, his health deteriorated again and he had to go to hospital - as usual DP 'couldn't possibly' take time off to look after him, so after just re-starting, I had to take 2 weeks off work. Again we argued about this. Again he made promises, but this time I felt like I couldn't believe him. I was even thinking of leaving (though no idea how I'd cope) and so (probably wrong of me) without discussing with him I looked into moving nearer to family for support (my DM). My DM has a large house and could accomodate all 3 of us comfortably, as well as provide support with DSs health issues. The only problem was, despite looking, I haven't yet found a nursery as good as where he is now, that I feel confident/comfortable with in his supporting his health needs (am not even sure if I'm just being PFB about it all).
DP, to his credit, although annoyed with me for doing this without talking to him, has maybe actually realised (this time) the reality that Im not actully coping and has started doing more, both in the house and with DS. He says he doesn't mind what we do and seemingly genuinely wants to do 'whatever it takes' to make my life easier - even if that means moving in with my DM. As usual though, he has left the decision of what we do up to me - and I feel conflicted. On the one hand, he seems to be picking up some the slack and I feel that 'giving up' now and accepting help from my DM would be the wrong thing to do. On the other, I can't help feeling like a mug, who is going to be let down again (and struggle to keep my job if I contantly need to take time off for DS).
It is possible that your planned move has given him a kick up the arse. But - if it were me I would have lost so much respect for him by now. And without respect, I could not love . I'm guessing this is why you "felt like [you] couldn't believe him."
"I feel that 'giving up' now and accepting help from my DM would be the wrong thing to do."
Giving up on your marriage? Only you can decide if this marriage is worth sticking with. But please, I see this a lot on MN - women feeling they can only end a relationship if they have given their partner every chance available and then some. You are not obliged to bend over backwards giving him chance after chance. It is not 'giving up' - it can be just plain realistic.
If you want to give him another chance, then it has to be a limited one, not something he can stealthily push the boundaries on leaving you "feeling like a mug". For example , a three-months 'trial period', during which he will take the time off work for your son's medical needs not you. And yes, first strike and he's out .
I think he has to do more just some housework. He has to convince you to trust him again, and he may not be able to do that. Trust is hard to regain, which is why he was a fool to lose yours.
He seems to be pulling his weight now. I'd give him the benefit of doubt...
You didn't mention what your work and his work is and sometimes, in certain roles it can be indeed a lot easier to take time off than in others.
I certainly would not want to move into my MIL's home. You wouldn't be a parent/child family unit anymore and you wouldn't live in your own home either. This can totally change the dynamics. I find it actually a strange desire that you want to move back in with your mum.
Wouldn't finding a flat/house near home a better solution if you really need her on a day to day basis?
That's it exactly. I don't believe him as I don't think I respect/trust him anymore. It feels different - being brutal, I'm not even sure if I do love him anymore. And yes, it does feel like I've been disappointed and 'given up' hope of him reliably pulling his weight. I can't do it alone. But then am I being too harsh? He is making some effort now. And moving away would mean he has an excuse to do less as DM would help me out instead. Yes I agree it doesn't seem like a 'healthy' option at all to move in with her but that was her offer
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