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To feel completely destroyed

(221 Posts)
Itsgettingbetter Mon 16-Jan-17 11:09:04

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

monkeysox Mon 16-Jan-17 11:11:16

Yabu he can still do well in state school

lunchboxtroubles Mon 16-Jan-17 11:13:15

It's tough when something like this happens. But if you wanted to access state school, then surely entering the world of work at the beginning of primary might have put you in more of a position to afford it? do you have any assets - could you remortgage for the fees? would family loan you the money?

Rainbowqueeen Mon 16-Jan-17 11:14:35

Be proud that your son woke up with a smile on his face. You have raised a great kid!
Be proud that you are working hard on your PHd and giving your son a real life example of what hard work and persistence can achieve ( and I'm guessing without a private school background)

Yes it's disappointing and it sucks. Spend a day wallowing and then try to move on. There are plenty of non fee paying schools that your son could thrive at.

flowers and wine for you

IateallthePies654 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:14:45

Yabu, he is bright and has an intelligent, loving mother- he will thrive in whatever school he in I'm sure.

PhilODox Mon 16-Jan-17 11:17:52

If there's one thing I've learned- never "set your heart on" a particular school!
Independent or state, so many factors are at play.

EssentialHummus Mon 16-Jan-17 11:19:58

What's your own educational background, OP?

RedHelenB Mon 16-Jan-17 11:24:03

If he is bright he will achieve at whichever state school he ends up in. Honestly, this mumsnet myth about awful schools is ridiculous. Most teachers love bright, hardworking kids and will go the extra mile for them to ensure they reach teir potential.

WorraLiberty Mon 16-Jan-17 11:28:42

Every child deserves the best possible educational experience, but we all have to cut our cloths accordingly.

You weren't stupid or naive.

You tried - it didn't work out.

Time now to focus on the future and as others have said, if he's bright and enjoys learning, he's bound to do very well anyway.

Megatherium Mon 16-Jan-17 11:39:46

Independent schools aren't necessarily any better than state schools. I hope you've applied for local state schools as a backup?

waitingforsomething Mon 16-Jan-17 11:40:11

I'm really sorry but ywbu to have got your and your DS hopes up about being able to attend a school on a bursary place. This would never have been close to guaranteed.

There are many, many excellent state schools and no doubt your DS will thrive at one of them - especially with the parental support it sounds like he has.

RogueStar01 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:41:48

well good for him for being resilient. Tell him that you'll both work as hard as you can to make sure the state education is fully supported at home and resolve to do that. I'm sure parenting is a lot of the reason people succeed or fail at things - you need to model how he responds to setbacks for him. It's a setback, up your game. I'd be a bit deflated but you needed a more robust plan. When you start working you can spend money on tutors and educational experiences.

lyricaldancer Mon 16-Jan-17 11:43:01

He didn't qualify for any financial assistance at all? Can I ask why? Are there any other schools you could apply to?

CaraAspen Mon 16-Jan-17 11:44:27

If one is clever a state school education is completely acceptable and very much cheaper. YABU.

NavyandWhite Mon 16-Jan-17 11:45:15

I'm really sorry he didn't get a bursary and that he cried, I bet that was pretty heartbreaking to witness.

He sounds like a lovely boy and a credit to you.

Good luck in whatever school he goes to, I'm sure he will do well given the support he has from you.

RogueStar01 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:45:24

i was going to ask, is the bursary thing off the table forever now, and does that mean that's that, you won't be in a position to pay at 13 (because you can move schools at 13, some indys start at 13).

CaraAspen Mon 16-Jan-17 11:45:44

Did your son fail the entrance examinations?

KenzieBoosMummy Mon 16-Jan-17 11:45:56

May I ask how you managed to get a PhD to be fully funded??

Thanks x

Itsgettingbetter Mon 16-Jan-17 11:45:57

Thank you rainbow and lateal

Surely entering the world of work at the beginning of primary might have put you in more of a position to afford it?
Not with paying London rent and other expenses as well as the low level work I would have been qualified to do, hence returning to education.

Do you have any assets - could you remortgage for the fees? would family loan you the money?
Unfortunately not, our home is rented and my family are the opposite of moneyed

If there's one thing I've learned- never "set your heart on" a particular school!
Yes, I see that now. But everyone was positive for him, especially his tutor, a lovely woman, who told me, "it's in the bag". So we believed with all our hearts blush

What's your own educational background, OP?
State and not a good experience. Admittedly though, I am different to my parents and London secondary schools seem much different to how they they were in Nineties.

PlasticBertrand Mon 16-Jan-17 11:46:31

Send him to Christ's Hospital school. Sounds like he'd be perfectt for it and it for him.

Ivanaflump Mon 16-Jan-17 11:46:47

You tried, I am really sorry that it didn't work out. It will be upsetting for a day or too but hopefully you can get him excited about his local school now.
I am hoping that you didn't run the other options down to him in the build up to applying for the bursary.

Headofthehive55 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:47:14

Most people aren't in the position to pay for the educational experience they feel their child deserves. Including ones who already have doctorates too.
However, state schools can work out well. His success will be determined by himself, not the school.

CaraAspen Mon 16-Jan-17 11:47:38

"RedHelenB

If he is bright he will achieve at whichever state school he ends up in. Honestly, this mumsnet myth about awful schools is ridiculous. Most teachers love bright, hardworking kids and will go the extra mile for them to ensure they reach teir potential."

Most? I would say all! Bright kids with a positive attitude are a delight.

sksinfood Mon 16-Jan-17 11:47:59

OP it's gutting.

BUT look who he has as a role model!! Schooling is very important, but remember that you're showing him DAILY that you can do anything you set your mind to.

Did you go to a private school? Is this partly why it feels like a failure?

Ivanaflump Mon 16-Jan-17 11:48:00

*two

Good point about CHS, you could apply for 13+

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