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To stop him seeing our children?

(15 Posts)
MommieMommyMom Sun 15-Jan-17 14:17:36

I haven't done it yet, but I'm seriously considering it.

We had an agreement that he could/will see the children on Sundays.
He pops in during the week whilst they are still at school, like this is still his home and tries to hug me and just talk to me like nothing happened and we're the same as we were.
He rarely spends time with the children at all, and has said in the past, when we have broken up before "I can't have you then I don't want them"

He was supposed to be here an hour ago, and he hasn't turned up, his phone is off.
The kids we're really looking forward to seeing him.

I really want to just stop the contact until he can grow up and be consistent for them. And I'm thinking that in stopping contact and telling him the reasons why, it may give him a little wake up call. Well, hopefully.
I honestly don't think he cares.

I actually feel really hurt and I want some stability and consistency in our lives, with or without him seeing them.

When he lets them down it really cuts me up... the children don't seem to be too upset, but obviously they're affected, and selfish as it sounds I think it affects me more than it affects them.

I am trying to heal myself and I can't deal with this, I do realise how incredibly selfish it sounds because I admit I want to do this more for me, but I also need to get myself right in order to care for them properly and not stay awake at night angry and confused.

I've tried talking to him... I just feel that this is just another way he's trying to manipulate and control me.

I haven't done it yet, or mentioned it or even considered it.

Can someone please just give me a little advice as my head is all over the place.

Sorry if I don't make too much sense, my head is a mess.
Thank you

Cherrysoup Sun 15-Jan-17 14:25:02

So whose name is on the deeds? He shouldn't just be casually popping in, hugging you etc. If he is sincere about not wanting the DC if he can't have you, then there's not much you can do, you can't force him to have contact if he's not bothered. I find it horrendous that he feels this way, but you can't make him do it.

donners312 Sun 15-Jan-17 14:25:58

I have the same problem and feel the same as you - I want to know is no Dad better than a shit one?

3 weeks ago i decided to stop all contact (well he only saw them twice last year) and conclude it all about controlling me and messing me about.

I really don't know but totally relate to your comment about you needing to focus on the kids and stop having sleepless night etc - doubt very much these "dads" are!!! and so it is very frustrating to just feel messed about even if like you say the children are not that bothered. how old are you DC?

Ilovecaindingle Sun 15-Jan-17 14:29:09

Tell him you will have to set up a proper contract drawn up through mediation - if he doesn't keep to it then it will stop until he takes you to court.
If he doesn't keep to it there is no way to force him but at least you will all know where you stand.

CannotEvenDeal Sun 15-Jan-17 14:32:33

My dss doesn't see or speak to his biological mother. She was inconsistent/dishonest, regularly inebriated and emotionally abusive so dh and I had to draw a line (I have PR too).

When we told her in 2013 to either stick to her word or stay away she blocked our numbers and moved on.

Says it all really.

MommieMommyMom Sun 15-Jan-17 14:33:02

My kids are 11, 10, 4, 3 and 6 months.
The house is in both our names.

I feel like ignoring his calls (mans changing the locks. I'm so upset.
My eldest just asked me "is dad even coming today" and I fight know how to answer.

He has family abroad, part of me wants to tell him he's going there for an emergency just so I can answer the "where is dad" questions but I know it's not right.
But I can't exactly say your dad doesn't care.

donners312 Sun 15-Jan-17 14:38:32

I know it is really hard - i have started telling my children to look at what people do and not listen to what people say.

I have also battled with protecting the children but lately have been telling the truth so i would say "no i don't think Dad is coming, I'm really sorry but what shall we do so it doesn't spoil our day" and then take them swimming or out somewhere?

it stinks!

CannotEvenDeal Sun 15-Jan-17 14:39:32

But I can't exactly say your dad doesn't care

The sad thing is that even if you don't say this, they're working it out for themselves sad

donners312 Sun 15-Jan-17 14:40:22

and you can't say he does care. his actions prove he doesn't!!!

PoundingTheStreets Sun 15-Jan-17 14:41:14

There's an increasing body of research to show that inconsistent contact is worse than no contact at all.

Rejection hurts. When you're forced to relive it week after week, rather than start to recover from it, it leaves permanent scars.

The danger is that you set your children up for a big fall as you allow the inconsistency to continue and inadvertently make it worse by trying to protect your DC and tell little white lies or chase up the X to attend. When you no longer intervene/protect, all that happens is that he shows his true colours and lets them down with a bang. If their expectations are realistic in the first place, this is not impactive.

As a mother with care, you don't have anyone chasing you up to make sure you remember to do essential parenting tasks. You don't come in built with a filofax and a certain degree of emotional nurturing skills just because you have a vagina - how insulting is that to the dads (and step parents and adoptive parents) who DO live up to their responsibilities and love their children properly? Separated or not.

There is a difference between obstructing contact and not taking on responsibility that the other parent should be meeting themselves. I echo the suggestion that you tell him he cannot just 'drop in' and that contact should be at a set, consistent pattern as this is what is in the best interests of the children (one-off events notwithstanding etc). If he turns up when you're not expecting it, tell him it's not convenient. You don't owe him an explanation. He'll either get the message or drift away entirely. If he does the latter, sad to say the DC are probably better off without him, as the damage this does will be less than the damage he could potentially do by treating them like this throughout their lives.

I don't know how long you've been separated for, as it's quite often the case that people behave like twats in the first year or so following a serious relationship breakdown. This doesn't make them genuinely bad people or terrible parents, although they can certainly be guilty of bad parenting while going through this phase. In most cases it stabilises. It can leave scars on all concerned, but not insurmountable ones and healing takes place once sense and responsibilities prevail. Let's hope your X falls into this bracket. flowers

KayTee87 Sun 15-Jan-17 14:43:33

Yanbu op flowers

If the house is also his then you're not allowed to change the locks unfortunately. You need some legal advice.

MommieMommyMom Sun 15-Jan-17 14:48:59

I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to the little ones.
I've never been so hurt and lost in all my life. I just want my kids to have a dad who cares about them and it actually kills me to know he is using them to hurt me. I can't be with him anymore, he hurts my soul but then I feel (and I know I shouldn't) that if I reject him then I'm forcing them not to have a dad.

I'm also seriously wondering if no dad is better than a crap one.

I'm ok, I have my own job, my own money, financially I can take care of them on my own but I can't be their dad. And I can't be a good mom when I feel the way I feel every time he lets us down (actually I feel it constantly, but then it just amplifies when he does this)

I don't want him anymore, I deserve better. Finally after all these years I believe I deserve better. But I'm so cut up and confused over what's best for my kids.

CannotEvenDeal Sun 15-Jan-17 14:50:41

I'm also seriously wondering if no dad is better than a crap one.

Yes x 1000

Italiangreyhound Sun 15-Jan-17 15:17:16

So sorry this is a horrible situation. I have not been in this situation but I would just like to say, please have some counselling just for you, to help you move on.

Can you get mediation to sort out contact and to ensure that if does not use he contact times to see the kids then it changes to reduced it no contact?

In terms of kids I would also say please do not lie to them or lie on his behalf. If you say he haa gone abroad or something and he turns up , ef in your road or whatever, the children may feel they cannot trust you. Even if you are lying to make it easier for them and even if you tell them this is why you said it

Lying destroys trust.

Please also do not make excuses or create reasons why he is late, has not arrived.

IMHO please also do not join the dots for them, e.g. this means that or whatever.

Let the facts speak for themselves. Be there to comfort your kids. They will know they can trust you.

flowers

PoundingTheStreets Mon 16-Jan-17 14:17:31

Mommie please don't get caught up in this negative cycle of believing that only 1 mum + 1 dad is the correct way to ring up a child. What children need is stability, love, attachment and good parenting. Our cultural history means that the nuclear family is the traditional/most common way of achieving this, but it is not the only way. Not so long ago, the Children's Society won report into parenting concluded that actually nuclear family parenting was nowhere near as good as say the extended family (all things being equal) - somehow that didn't make the same splash in headlines as al the negativity you hear about single parents, etc.

Truth is that a stable single parent family is a far superior environment in which to raise a child than that of a dysfunctional two-parent family.

Quite often those who are negative about single parents tend to have negative views about women as well (sadly often the mothers themselves). Many have been brainwashed into thinking only fathers can do x, y z. It's not true. Mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, friends - all can offer a child positive role modelling, secure emotional attachment, two-way trust, the chance to learn and develop new skills. What counts is the behaviour of the people your child has in their life, not who that person is.

I'm raising my DC without their biological father in the scene. My cousin - who has now made a world name for himself in his field, is happily married and is genuinely well liked by all he knows - was raised by a single parent. Children do not need a father to grow into happy, healthy, socially adapted adults. They need decent people in their lives of whatever description, all pulling together and creating a favourable, committed nurturing environment. That can be mum or dad, together or apart.

What a child does NOT need is a so-called parent who actively sabotages that child's attachment development, levels of trust and who exhibits really poor role modelling.

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