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To be concerned if my adult son stays out all night?

(95 Posts)
bumblebee50 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:26:05

My 25 year old son still stays at home. He went out last night and text me about 2am to say he was staying at a friend's house and wouldn't be back until today. My husband didn't know he had text as he was asleep. Now this morning my DH notices DS hasn't come home. I asked him if he wasn't concerned that he hadn't come home. His response was that he's an adult. Are men wired differently? If my DS hadn't text me to tell me he wasn't coming home I would have been worried sick. As it is he always messages me to tell me if he's going to be really late otherwise I would text him. AIBU?

user1477282676 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:27:33

Oh bless you. He's 25! You're lucky he's still texting you.

What would you do if he moved out tomorrow? Would you expect him to text you every time he goes out to let you know he's back at his flat or something?

madcatwoman61 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:29:00

YABU - he's an adult

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 15-Jan-17 11:29:10

I don't blame you for feeling like this and I know when my son is 25, 40, 50, 60 (if I'm still around when he's that old) I will always worry about him.

When you say he "stays" at home, do you mean he visits but lives elsewhere? If he doesn't always live with you now, how often are you in contact with him? Do you worry all the time?

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Sun 15-Jan-17 11:29:28

At 25 I would find it stifling to have to message my plans about a staying out etc.

It obviously works for you and your son though so yanbu but neither is your husband for not being worried.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 15-Jan-17 11:29:34

My eldest ds is 21 and lives away at university. When he comes home and goes out he always texts me to say he's leaving town, be it 2.00 am or 5.00 am.

I would be worried if he didn't text me and I didn't know where he was , adult or not .

Obviouspretzel Sun 15-Jan-17 11:30:30

Assume OP is Scottish, most Scottish people say 'stays' where English people say 'lives'.

corythatwas Sun 15-Jan-17 11:30:34

I have a 20yo dd living at home and I consider it perfectly normal that she should sometimes stay out all night. Most of her friends are at uni in other parts of the country; their parents aren't keeping tabs on them, so it would seem rather unfair of me to do it on dd.

Otoh I would however consider it very rude if she, or anybody else living in this house, did not let me know if they were not going to be back. It would worry me to think I had not brought her up with good manners. But then your son did- so, no problem.

Nothing to do with being a man or a woman imho; it's about whether you can recognise that your lo is now an adult.

Cloeycat Sun 15-Jan-17 11:32:15

I'm 25 and leave in a different country to my parents. When I'm staying at theirs and go out for a night out I'll always text my mum if I'm going to stay out later then usual or stay the night elsewhere. Surely it's normal when you are staying at someone's house to do so?

Occasionally I feel bad if she responds as it means I've woken her up at an ungodly hour but she says she would prefer that to waking up in the morning and worrying until I get in touch.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 15-Jan-17 11:32:58

OP is worried about her son's whereabouts and if he's OK - totally normal at any age.

If OP was telling her 25 year old son he couldn't go out or couldn't stay out all night, that would be a problem.

It's not unreasonable to feel like this. How many of us will stop worrying about our kids as soon as they hit 18 and become an adult?

wifeyhun Sun 15-Jan-17 11:33:39

YABU I think, I had been left home for 7 years by the age of 25.

I guess when they live under your roof thought, it's probably normal to be concerned.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 15-Jan-17 11:34:27

I don't blame you for worrying. I think you worry no matter what age they are. I think you have a lovely, considerate son, letting you know he's staying out.

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 11:34:47

I think yanbu, it isn't unheard of for drunk men to fall in streams etc on the way home and I don't see male/ female makes a difference.

To the poster who would find it 'stifling' to live with someone who actually cares about them live on your own then! I suspect the OP's DS likes that his mum loves him and just doesn't want her to worry because he is caring and considerate.

Floisme Sun 15-Jan-17 11:35:46

Sounds normal to me. When my son's back from uni, I always ask him to text me if he's not coming home. It's not like I quiz him about where he is or who he's with! And if I was house sharing with a friend, I'd do the same.

TealGiraffe Sun 15-Jan-17 11:36:09

Yabu hes a grown man! Its nice that you worry about him but you have to remember hes not a child anymore.

Personally i would assume 'staying at a mates' actually meant "ive pulled and im off back to theirs".

I spent a lot of time 'sleeping at sarahs' at a young adult living at home. grin

bumblebee50 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:36:37

Just to clarify, my son still lives at home. He left when he was at Uni and lived in a flat and of course I didn't need to know where he was all the time. If he had his own flat I wouldn't know what he was up to and wouldn't expect him to text me. However, he doesn't often stay out all night and if he does he lets me know.

TealGiraffe Sun 15-Jan-17 11:37:06

And tbh he sounds considerate if he text you.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Sun 15-Jan-17 11:37:30

I did live on my own from the age of 16, not sure what that has to do with anything though Basic since I also said the op wasn't bu confused

corythatwas Sun 15-Jan-17 11:37:38

It is possible, you know, to love somebody and care about their wellbeing and still be able to sleep at night while they are staying at a friend's house.

If I couldn't do that, dd would feel guilty every time she went out: that would not be a good way to live. She is living at home through no fault of her own, and I want her to feel she can still have a normal adult life.

AgentProvocateur Sun 15-Jan-17 11:38:31

Yes, men are wired differently. My adult DS stays at home with us. He can stay out for nights on end, but he texts each night to say he's not coming in. It will be at least Day 3 before DH asks if I've heard from him!

corythatwas Sun 15-Jan-17 11:38:38

But letting you know is exactly what he should be doing, OP, and what you should equally expect of any member of your household.

bumblebee50 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:39:01

Although I worry about him I'm actually quite liberal - I too am assuming he pulled, which is fine. I have allowed my other son's girlfriend to stay often and my other son is gay and I have also allowed his partner to stay, although that's a whole other post!

OneWithTheForce Sun 15-Jan-17 11:39:14

It took my mum a long time after I moved out (at 19 and with a child of my own) to stop asking me to let her know when I got in. Even after work I had to text her to say I was home.

JustHereForThePooStories Sun 15-Jan-17 11:39:20

If expect an adult in the household to advise if they wouldn't be home on a night they were expected to be. It's just common courtesy.

ShatnersBassoon Sun 15-Jan-17 11:39:26

YANBU. Most parents would have at least a niggling worry if their son or daughter did something out of character like stop out without any word.

Your husband didn't say you were unreasonable though did he? He may well have also been concerned but decided not to let it show in case it made you panic.

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