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To not help adult son any more?

(5 Posts)
joystir59 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:59:24

It is complicated but I will try to summarise. My 36 year old son is an alcoholic who loses job after job. He is ok until he gets paid, when he drinks himself stupid and goes in to work smelling of drink or incapable of working. He is not from this country- we met him when he was8 years old and living on the street in non-EU country and placed him in residential school there, and spent following ten years going back and forth to support him and spend time with him in school holidays. We tried to adopt him but neither UK or his country would help, and we didn't have money or influence.
He now lives here but is still going through home office loops to get permanent settlement. The Immigration Court recognised him as our son, but he has to apply every few years for ongoing right to remain.
Its fair to say he's had a difficult life- lost parents and siblings when he was very young and this meant that when we met him he was already emotionally damaged, and although he was a delightful boy he experienced terrible black moods and his behaviour at times was horrendous.
But- it is also fair to say that he has been given many opportunities and we have both turned our lives inside out to give him them. I'm not expecting gratitude but I am not young- I'm 60 this year and ex husband is 63. We are tired. EX H has health problems.
TBH I stopped intervening in his life before he came to the UK- I already recognised that he was not able to benefit from the opportunities he had been given as he was already drinking his way through everything that was arranged for him. I felt it was time to step back and let him deal with things himself- he as 19 at this point. EXH arranged eventually for him to come to the uk.
DS does nothing to address his drinking. He takes cash in hand jobs which don't help his case.
He will not be able to get through the Home Office process without a great deal of help and a lot of money. Ex H allows DS to drink in tne house and even buys him drink- we've argued about this a lot.
AIBU to be passive now and not turn myself inside out yet again to help?

Mumzypopz Sun 15-Jan-17 11:12:54

I think you have given him enough, you need to back off now, there is very little you can do for him that will make a difference.

Trifleorbust Sun 15-Jan-17 11:20:27

Difficult one. I don't think I could ever stop trying to help my child from drinking herself to death. I am also unconvinced that there is anything you can do to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Is he not your legal son? Do you see him as your child?

joystir59 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:25:34

Trifleorbust He is my son. He is also 36 years old and I have tried to help him as well as my OH. Because he is an alcoholic the only thing he is loyal to is drink. He has done things to me, OH, and people in my ex H's family that are the opposite of loving. He wears everyone out. Stealing, being verbally abusive- he is nasty when drunk. We have tried. He doesn't want to stop drinking. How can you help him then? My ex H makes it worse IMO by allowing him to drink in his house and by helping him with every mess he gets into- so he loses nothing by drinking.

Trifleorbust Sun 15-Jan-17 11:38:44

Sounds like you have your answer then.

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