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AIBU to expect ex-H *not* to say things like this to the kids?

(7 Posts)
AliceInUnderpants Sun 15-Jan-17 10:41:01

For context, we have one child with diagnosed ASD, who internalises anxiety, and one child currently being assessed with CAMHS who has 'significant anxiety'.

A couple of weeks ago I booked a holiday to Majorca with the DC, also paying to take one of my parents along as an extra pair of hands. This holiday will be our first abroad (except DLP) and their first flights, so has been built up over a long period of time.

The kids are all worried now, as last week their dad decided to tell them that many children get kidnapped abroad and are never found again hmm

I discussed it with him this morning, and he "just wanted to warn them to be careful", and is "anxious about them going away". I said that this isn't about him, that his careless words have a huge effect on our children, ad that he should have discussed any concerns with me, not the children. I may now have 10 months of anxiety from the children because of his comments. He reckons he told them about it now "so they have time to forget about it before they go".

AIBU to expect him to not act like this? The kids are 8 and 11.

(He has previous for saying things to the kids, walking off without making sure they understand, and I'm left having to deal with the fallout of them trying to process it.)

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:48:51

YANBU that he's out of order. I have no idea how you would prevent him from making such stupid comments, though. Does he understand their anxiety issues? Does he understand how it affects them daily?

Next time perhaps don't tell him your plans so far in advance. It's sad to not be able to be open with him, but if he's going to make such a mess perhaps best he doesn't know til much closer.

haveacupoftea Sun 15-Jan-17 10:51:09

YANBU. Stupid twat.

Katy07 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:53:45

FFS! It's Majorca, and you don't say things like that to any child, certainly not to ones with serious anxiety issues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! angry
I can see why he's ex.

neolara Sun 15-Jan-17 10:57:48

It's a pretty peculiar thing to say to your dcs even if they don't have anxiety. Is your ex worried this might happen to the dcs?

AliceInUnderpants Sun 15-Jan-17 11:01:09

No, he does not understand their issues at all. When he said that it was because he was "anxious" over them going away, I pointed out that feeling anxious and having anxiety problems are two very different things. He said if he went to the doctor he would get diagnosed with anxiety too. He didn't agree with me that if he suffers anxiety problems, he should have more of an insight as to why saying this to the children was a Bad Idea.
He has no understand, or respect, for their MH issues at all, has never been to an appointment - CAMHS, GP, OT, school, psychology - for either of them at all (this has been our [me and kids] lives for the past 8 years).

I pointed out to him that he doesn't make these comments when I take them away in the UK - where statistically more children are abducted or assaulted - or indeed in everyday life, where I am their main carer. I told him that if he has genuine concerns about my ability to look after them abroad, there are steps he can take through court to prevent it. He wouldn't though, because that would mean having to be proactive and not just shooting his mouth off.

AliceInUnderpants Sun 15-Jan-17 11:05:35

neolara I'm doubtful that he has genuine concerns. The situations he puts the children into on a regular basis would not fit with any thoughts of anxiety over their well-being. It's more likely he a) is jealous that I am providing them with this opportunity, b) is still bitter and resentful towards me despite that we have been separated for 8 years, or c) just once again opened his mouth without thinking through the consequences of his brain-fart.

FWIW, I do suffer from anxiety, and see a psychologist, but would never entertain the thought of projecting my anxieties onto the children. Hence why I am paying to provide an extra pair of hands to come with us, and have researched and planned as much as possible to prepare both me and the children for this holiday.

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